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Alien Agent (DVD)

Alien Agent DVD (click for larger image)Reviewed by Kryten Syxx

Starring Mark Dacoscos, Billy Zane, Kim Coates and Emma Lahana

Directed by Jesse Johnson

Distributed by Allumination Filmworks


The fate of the whole human race hinges on a sole warrior from an alien planet, a lonely trendy girl and plenty of Canadian wilderness! That is pretty much the extent of Alien Agent’s plot. Sure, there’s more about an alien race that seeded our planet millions of years ago and Billy Zane playing two roles … but that’s not important. What does matter is that this film has a R rating but nothing that warrants it!

Mark Dacascos plays our lone badass who must stop his fellow aliens from conquering Earth, but along the way he befriends former Power Ranger Emma Lahana, and a pointless romance starts. This misguided plot point also gives way to pointless side boob nudity that never fleshes itself out. Yes, that is the major problem with the picture … no boobs.

Alien Agent is rated R, but why? The violence is pretty tame with only minor wounds and no real graphic bloodshed. So there had to be gratuitous amounts of nudity, right? Nope. For no good reason the audience is treated to many nipple near misses that add nothing to the story. Usually a shower scene is the perfect time for someone to be killed off camera or just plainly a tool to keep us watching, but neither of those applications fits.

Alien Agent DVD (click for larger image)Why must we be tormented by titties we cannot see! Why, God?!

We did get an ass though. Whoever was body doubling for Emma Lahana was nice enough to shake her bare cheeks for everyone and then broke our hearts by letting the camera only get a centimeter away from her nips before the scene cut to Mr. Dacoscos laying shirtless on a bed. What kind of Nightmare on Elm Street 2 BS is that?!

*Goes to YouPorn for an hour and returns*

Ah, much better. Now, let’s talk about the movie itself. Alien Agent isn’t a bad film at all. The acting is about what you’d expect out of something we’d see on Sci-Fi, but the action is solid and Mark Dacoscos kicks some solid ass with his martial arts. Even Billy Zane entertains in his dual roles of local country idiot and leader of the alien siege. If only he was given more to do than look bored through a majority of his 15 minutes of scene time.

As far as the plot is concerned, I cannot really remember what was about aside from the brief synopsis above. There were sparkly things that looked like raving brine shrimp that helped regenerate the aliens’ wounds, but that’s as deep and memorable as it got.

Alien Agent DVD (click for larger image)The story is totally forgettable as is the location. The Canadian woods and country settings are beautiful but don’t really fit in with the science fiction setting and gun-toting bravado. It isn’t until the last scene that we get to see where this picture should have really been shot. Oh well, at least it has been left open for a sequel if anyone cares for it.

What this DVD could have really used were some extras. Apart from the naked ass, there’s nothing to make this the sort of thing you should pick up in the store if it’s on TV. There’s no commentary, featurette or even a lame stills gallery. What the hell, man? No one bothered to shoot footage of Mark D. practicing his fight scenes? What about the setting up of all the explosions we see?

Well, unless you’ve got a thing for side boobs or Billy Zane looking plain, there’s nothing here for you. Move along.

Film
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3 out of 5

Special Features
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0 out of 5

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Mike Phalin

Since 1997, Michael Patrick Phalin has been a contributing writer to various websites including Dread Central, iMockery, Bloody Disgusting and KrytenSyxx. During the early 1980s, Phalin's love of the movie industry was fueled by the VHS tapes he found during his time spent at the video rental store his mother worked at. Rather than attending a daycare regularly, young Michael would form a tower of tapes with interesting cover art and go watch each one, the very first of these being the original 'A Nightmare on Elm Street.' From that point he was hooked on horror and the process behind creating special effects. In his twenties, Mike met Steve 'Uncle Creepy' Barton and was soon aiding the horror website Dread Central with film reviews. As the site grew in popularity, Phalin soon started writing news stories and conducting interviews on a daily basis. After a few years, he decided to take a break from writing to focus on other opportunities. After moving to a beach community with his wife Michelle, both were cast to appear in the final season of A&E's home improvement show 'Fix This Yard' in 2013. This event rekindled Mike's love of the entertainment industry. Between the time he spends being with his family, Michael continues to contribute to Dread Central both with writing and photography. In his mid-thirties, Phalin took up oil painting after being inspired by an episode of Bob Ross. Pieces of his artwork and photography can be found on his Tumblr and official website.

  • Kryten Syxx

    I like the bottom side boob pic. The dude looks terrified of it.

  • Rorschach

    Does THAT sideboob turn you on? It shouldn’t. That’s MY sideboob.

    🙂