Reviewed by Melissa Bostaph
Starring Joshua Breeding, Bay Bruner, Michael Capes, Kate Huffman, Jamie Marie, Leslie Patterson, Lisa Sproul
Directed by Schumacker Halpern Overdrive
Distributed by Trinity Home Entertainment
From the cheesy homemade cover art on the DVD to the sporadic, handheld opening sequence and epileptic beginning credits, everything about Bachelor Party Massacre screamed, “Hate this movie!” Yet, I found myself morbidly curious about the rest of the film as soon as the two jackasses in charge of throwing their buddy a last hooter-filled hoorah before his impending nuptials opened their mouths. The weak story and ridiculous acting teetered on the edge of atrocity, but between the dialogues, relationships between the characters, sharp-witted views on marriage, and the fact that the bachelor palmed his fiancé’s face to get her off of him had me glued to the screen with shameful anticipation.
I then watched as the lamest bachelor party in the history of the universe unfolded. It was not unlike witnessing the awkward first sexual experience of a drunk virgin in a blackout. This poor film fumbled with buttons, got its shirt stuck on its head, missed the hole more often then not, and blew its load in the first few strokes. Like the sympathetic date not exactly sure of what I could do to ease the wounded ego floundering before me, I stayed between the sheets of embarrassment and humiliation, and allowed the pathetic attempts at a proper performance to continue … and laughed … I laughed a LOT!
Who wouldn’t laugh if they walked in on a bachelor party with four losers, no food, no music, and no strippers? Well, there were stippers … strippers who don’t strip? When it came to these hired honeys I of course expected hefty girls with cottage cheese asses and boobs that tucked into their beltlines, but was pleasantly surprised that the girls in this film were almost palatable. That was until they actually started “stripping”. Or should I say wiggling and grinding and popping a random boob shot here and there to feign that they may actually know what a stripper does. Alas, the teacup titties were only used as a tease and stayed hidden for most of the film.
Something that should have stayed hidden and did not was the killer. She is revealed far too early in the film, and honestly her only true victim was the film itself. Her performance single-handedly murdered an otherwise enjoyable crappy film. The movie is stupid there’s no denying that fact, but it is a fun stupid that is reminiscent of bad 80’s slasher flicks. Unfortunately, when you throw in an overacting blonde who tries too hard to be a female “I Know What You Did to Freddy Krueger,” your movie instantly turns to shit. Especially when you have her recite some of the most poorly delivered idiotic one-liners over the freshly killed corpses.
The filmmakers would have been better off if they would have stuck with the feel of the first kill in the film. That’s the one where the killer stays hidden from recognition and doesn’t open her vapid blonde mouth. Honestly, the rest of the film was decent. The intentional bad acting and respectable effects could have carried this campy slasher easily if it wasn’t for the tenacity and diligence of the killer. The film self-destructed every time she hit the screen.
Taken in its entirety though, Bachelor Party Massacre makes for a relatively pleasant comedic, slasher film that could easily double as a “What NOT to do when throwing a bachelor party for someone you like” guide. I’m not exactly recommending the film, but if you ever find yourself staggering around the rental store in an alcohol induced stupor, you may want to give it a shot.
3 out of 5
0 out of 5
Discuss Bachelor Party Massacre in our Dread Central forums!