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Monster (2008)

Monster reviewWritten by The Foywonder (?)

Starring Sarah Lieving, Erin Sullivan, and a bunch of Japanese people

Directed by Eric Estenberg


Uncle Creepy here. I know it might seem unusual for a Foywonder review to be starting off with me addressing the readers but then these are unusual circumstances to say the least. Foy hasn’t actually written a review of Monster, the Asylum’s “found footage” mockbuster of Cloverfield set in Japan. I wasn’t kidding when I said these were unusual circumstances. I’ll just let this bizarre email I received from a friend of Foy’s explain the situation.

Hello there. I know you’ve done the Foycasts with him so I figured you were the guy to send this to. Foy is a friend of mine. The other night we were going to hang out for a few hours. When I got to his place he told me he had just watched this movie called Monster and wanted to record some notes while it was all fresh in his head. He owns a voice recorder device and sometimes records his thoughts on movies he’s just watched to transcribe later when he writes the review. He says it help him get finished quicker.

I didn’t think anything odd about when he went into his room and shut the door to record his audio notes until I started hearing him yelling a lot. I knocked on the door and asked him if he was okay. He said “Yeah!” I left him be but then I heard more yelling and what sounded like someone banging a wall. I knew something was wrong. He’d locked the door and by the time I got it open he was gone. I’ve no clue where he went. The window was open and he was gone.

The audio recorder was on his bed and he’d scribbled on the wall: “NO PLOT. NO DRAMA. NO SUSPENSE. NO MONSTER. NO POINT. NO MORE.” I think he wrote it in his own feces. I thought this might be an elaborate joke on me until I actually listened to what he had recorded and … I think he really has gone insane. One of these movies finally broke his brain and he ran off into the night. It was bound to happen sooner of later. Look at the movies the guy watches all the time. This was inevitable.

I haven’t seen or heard from him in a day and am legitimately concerned that he’s wandering around out there somewhere completely whacked out of his mind. I figured I’d send this audio recording I found to you to do with what you will. I’m off to check the local mental institutions in hopes that he had the good sense to check himself in somewhere to get help. I’ll keep in touch and let you know if and when he turns up.

Man… We just recorded the new Foycast the night before and he sounded fine. I’ve listened to this “found audio” that may very well be the last time we ever hear from the Foywonder and he really does sound like a guy on the verge of snapping. He’s joked with me in the past that he believed the reason The Asylum were named such was because their films are so bad they’ll drive you insane. It sounds like this time it may have happened for real.

Since this could very well be the final Foywonder review and because Monster sounds like it’s so bad it can drive men to madness I’ve made the editorial decision to share with you this unbelievable audio recording. I must warn you that you might find it disturbing and contains language that makes it NOT SAFE FOR WORK! I’m not even sure this is safe for anyone under any circumstances…

Since we’re required to give the film a knife rating I just went ahead and picked what I think he might have scored the movie based on his deranged tirade. We’ll hopefully hear from Foy soon so that he can give it his own score. I just hope he’s alright. Keep him in your prayers.

Listen to the amazing audio recording of Foywonder’s review/psychotic breakdown of The Asylum’s Monster by…

  • Clicking here to download the Monster review as an MP3
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    Comments

    Steve Barton

    You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never, ever choose to be.