Monster (2008)

Monster reviewWritten by The Foywonder (?)

Starring Sarah Lieving, Erin Sullivan, and a bunch of Japanese people

Directed by Eric Estenberg

Uncle Creepy here. I know it might seem unusual for a Foywonder review to be starting off with me addressing the readers but then these are unusual circumstances to say the least. Foy hasn’t actually written a review of Monster, the Asylum’s “found footage” mockbuster of Cloverfield set in Japan. I wasn’t kidding when I said these were unusual circumstances. I’ll just let this bizarre email I received from a friend of Foy’s explain the situation.

Hello there. I know you’ve done the Foycasts with him so I figured you were the guy to send this to. Foy is a friend of mine. The other night we were going to hang out for a few hours. When I got to his place he told me he had just watched this movie called Monster and wanted to record some notes while it was all fresh in his head. He owns a voice recorder device and sometimes records his thoughts on movies he’s just watched to transcribe later when he writes the review. He says it help him get finished quicker.

I didn’t think anything odd about when he went into his room and shut the door to record his audio notes until I started hearing him yelling a lot. I knocked on the door and asked him if he was okay. He said “Yeah!” I left him be but then I heard more yelling and what sounded like someone banging a wall. I knew something was wrong. He’d locked the door and by the time I got it open he was gone. I’ve no clue where he went. The window was open and he was gone.

The audio recorder was on his bed and he’d scribbled on the wall: “NO PLOT. NO DRAMA. NO SUSPENSE. NO MONSTER. NO POINT. NO MORE.” I think he wrote it in his own feces. I thought this might be an elaborate joke on me until I actually listened to what he had recorded and … I think he really has gone insane. One of these movies finally broke his brain and he ran off into the night. It was bound to happen sooner of later. Look at the movies the guy watches all the time. This was inevitable.

I haven’t seen or heard from him in a day and am legitimately concerned that he’s wandering around out there somewhere completely whacked out of his mind. I figured I’d send this audio recording I found to you to do with what you will. I’m off to check the local mental institutions in hopes that he had the good sense to check himself in somewhere to get help. I’ll keep in touch and let you know if and when he turns up.

Man… We just recorded the new Foycast the night before and he sounded fine. I’ve listened to this “found audio” that may very well be the last time we ever hear from the Foywonder and he really does sound like a guy on the verge of snapping. He’s joked with me in the past that he believed the reason The Asylum were named such was because their films are so bad they’ll drive you insane. It sounds like this time it may have happened for real.

Since this could very well be the final Foywonder review and because Monster sounds like it’s so bad it can drive men to madness I’ve made the editorial decision to share with you this unbelievable audio recording. I must warn you that you might find it disturbing and contains language that makes it NOT SAFE FOR WORK! I’m not even sure this is safe for anyone under any circumstances…

Since we’re required to give the film a knife rating I just went ahead and picked what I think he might have scored the movie based on his deranged tirade. We’ll hopefully hear from Foy soon so that he can give it his own score. I just hope he’s alright. Keep him in your prayers.

Listen to the amazing audio recording of Foywonder’s review/psychotic breakdown of The Asylum’s Monster by…

  • Clicking here to download the Monster review as an MP3
  • Clicking here to subscribe to the Dread Central podcast! (iTunes)
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  • Steve Barton

    You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never, ever choose to be.

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    *US Residents Only .
    • EricBoyd

      He’s as craz-against this film as Tom Cruise is crazy-for Scientology (Hurry guys, use up your one ‘Cruise is crazy’ reference before he goes into hiding for another few weeks…)

      “funny in a sad way”

    • Foywonder

      “Leave the humor to other people, Creepster. ;-)”

      I thought it was a rather humorous response myself.

    • Terminal

      Leave the humor to other people, Creepster. 😉

    • Uncle Creepy

      Goddamnit Foy, I didn’t buy your LOL! It felt forced!

    • Terminal

      Foy, I love ya.

    • Foywonder

      That response wasn’t moany. It was bemusement. Did you not notice the LOL at the end. I’m amused by the criticsm. Perhaps I should have used 🙂 or :)~ instead of LOL.

    • Terminal

      Well, you know me, I LOOVE to be thorough. I hadn’t even seen your moany response until I went to re-read your reviews, curiously enough. Smile and the world smiles with you, right Foy?

    • Foywonder

      Terminal, the guy who took over an entire month to respond to something I’d long since forgotten that I was never actually upset about really doesn’t need to be telling someone else to lighten up.

    • Terminal

      Apparently Foy. Don’t take the “criticisms” too seriously, I was just remarking how it sound. No wait: DON’T TAKE THE CRITICISMS TOO SERIOUSLY!! I WAS JUST… REMARKING HOW IT SOUNDS! LIGH-TEN UP!! BUG OUT OF ASS, FOY!!

      There we are. Ow, strained my throat.

    • Chainsaw


    • Foywonder

      I love the fact that some of you are suddenly feeling compelled to critique my voice acting in an audio review that was never ever meant to be taken seriously by anyone. You know why my rage sounds forced? Because it was. LOL

    • bludgeoner

      I agree about the forced rage bit.
      You sound weird Foywonder, then again I’m Australian – who DOESN’T think I sound weird in the US hehehe.
      I dunno – I’m going to check this movie out just so I can laugh at it with my mates (beer).

    • Terminal

      Foy, I have to say, I didn’t buy your rage. I loved the review, but the rage seemed too forced.

    • Terminal

      No! No! No! It didn’t happen! No! It didn’t happen! Two cunts in front of a camera for ninety minutes being chased by sounds! No! Think of “Cloverfield,” Terminal, think of “Cloverfield”…

    • Tsotha-lanti

      What was the last remotely serviceable movie the Asylum had their fingers in? “Invasion of the Pod People”? It does appear at they have been going downhill in terms of quality within the last year, as if they peaked with “Transmorphers”.

    • Mr. Dark

      ‘Keep him in your prayers’ may be the single funniest line UC has ever written. I have no idea why, but UC saying that in this context about this person after this review just cracked me the hell up.

      Mr. Dark
      Part-Time Dread Central Gaming Guy
      Full-Time Freelance Smartass

    • thedudeabides

      I rather enjoyed Monster. It was horrible beyond belief, but I laughed and made fun of it non stop. I had a great time watching it.

    • hellbilly_drp

      Too late, Uncle Creepy. Netflix shat Monster into my mailbox yesterday and the damage is done. Fortunately for me (if not the Foywonder), sanity is kind of like virginity… when it’s gone, it’s gone.

      Being too much of a pussy to actually claw my own eyes out, I opted for some light weight skeet shooting. Now, if only I can find the 00 buckshot option under the Netflix Report Problem link…

    • Kyle Reese

      We all saw that coming, well not the the breaking Foy’s brain part.

      I’m not even particularly excited for Cloverfield to be honest, though the reviews have been positive – just never caught my interest.

      Get well soon.

    • Tsotha-lanti

      Foy sounds REALLY angry.

    • Terminal

      This is fantastic.

      Foy is always thinking of great ways to write a review.

      Good job, guys. I’m expecting a shitpile, myself.