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Colonel Kill Motherfuckers (DVD)

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Colonel Kill Motherfuckers!Reviewed by Kryten Syxx

Starring Andrew Varbel, Tanya Fox, Jonny Jonny, Erik A. Williams, Timo, Kevin Strange and Joshitsuo Montoya

Directed by Kevin Strange

Distributed by Hack Movies


How does one even start to review a film titled Colonel Kill Motherfuckers? It isn’t an actual horror movie in the typical sense. There’s no real horror to be found, but there’s plenty of gore, profanity and nerdiness. This is a conundrum…

Colonel Kill Motherfuckers is a tale of revenge. A psychopathic Army colonel has been discharged from the service and is accidentally killed by a giant lollipop (!). His grotesque witch of a mother brings Colonel Kill back to life and sends him to eliminate those motherfuckers! At the center of this whole mess is a group of role playing friends who just want to get fucked up and laid. Ah, the American dream! Too bad the motherfucker they just killed is back to kill those motherfuckers. Fuck!

Colonel Kill Motherfuckers (click for larger image)And that is the basic plot of the film. That plot combined with a low budget should instantly spell disaster as we’ve seen countless times before, but everything somehow works out in the end. While watching this movie part of the brain says “fuck this is bad” while the other side thinks “they actually tried to entertain us and it works … who would have guessed?!” That is why the entire affair is perplexing to me. How does one decide if this film is good or not?

Colonel Kill Motherfuckers (gotta love saying that title) is so over the top in its humor and vulgarity that it appeals to the inner sicko each of us pretend doesn’t exist. That little beast will break loose when you start seeing fat trannies getting eaten out, salads being tossed and two dudes jerk off to “National Geographic” magazine! How the hell could you not want to watch this? There’s even plenty of geeky references to RPGs, horror pictures and Buffy. All the bases are covered for most basement dwellers and Internet addicts. All it lacked were jokes about herpes.

What I was surprised with was the quality of the performances from most of the actors. In most low budget productions, even the ones that attempt humor, you’re pretty much getting what you paid for. In Colonel Kill Motherfuckers there’s actual comedic timing and a pretty witty script that far outweighs the whole “shot on my camcorder” look of the pic. Remember that little word we usually bring up when talking about Indy movies? Talent.

Colonel Kill Motherfuckers made me sick and slightly aroused at the same time. Bravo! There’s talent here in this movie. Check it out for yourself and see.


After watching the screener many times, I started to wonder what else Hack Movies could do to make the actual DVD a better sell than it already was. For about $10 those motherfuckers pack a whole lot of motherfucking stuff into one motherfucking disc! Holy shit!

In the world of indy horror filmmaking it is pretty rare for anyone to put out a disc that is bursting with special features that rival most big budget Hollywood DVD releases. Most of the time we’ll see a few bloopers and maybe a commentary, but director Kevin Strange and his gang loaded Colonel Kill Motherfuckers with everything under the sun!

First let’s look at the three feature length commentaries. The cast commentary is comprised of most of the actors from the film and something is always going on. There’s also a lot to be learned about getting your woman into anal sex.

The technical commentary pretty much matches its title. The Hack Movies crew fill us in on how they used amazing CGI to create everything, even the lighting without being a total fuck-up like George Lucas.

With the director’s commentary I’ll leave you with this: Strip Magic the Gathering.

The Behind the Kill vignettes are a collection of behind-the-scenes videos showing how the Hack Movies gang created and pulled off their gorier kills. It’s quite interesting what people can pull off with no money. There’s better body mutilation here than in all of Experiment in Torture‘s whole $25,000 budget! What the fuck?!

Bloopers, ah nothing beats a blooper reel.

Like I said before, the Colonel Kill DVD is a steal, so why the hell haven’t you picked one up yet? Head on over to Hack Movies and order your copy today.

If you want to learn more about Kevin Strange and Hack Movies, check out intreview with him!

Special Features

  • Intro and Outro with director Kevin Strange
  • Cast Commentary
  • Technical Commentary
  • Director Commentary
  • Behind the Kill Vignettes
  • Bloopers
  • Falog Music Videos
  • Trailers and Teasers

    MOVIE

    4 out of 5

    SPECIAL FEATURES

    5 out of 5

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    Mom & Dad Review – When Parental Protection Goes Horribly Awry

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    Starring Nicolas Cage, Selma Blair, Anne Winters

    Written and directed by Brian Taylor


    The love of one’s parents is something that can propel an individual to not only personal, but professional heights as well, and that’s not to say that the aforementioned love should be taken for granted, either. The reason why I’m making this statement is that you never know when that love could turn to blind, unrestrained rage, and you as the child could be forced to save your own life from those very people who raised you – enter Brian Taylor’s ultra-black comedy, Mom & Dad.

    Josh (Zachary Arthur) and his sister, Carly (Winters), are your typical American children: generally oblivious to the life around them provided by their progenitors, and when a mysterious and unexplained virus causes all parents to turn violently towards their kids, it’s the youngins that are the ones being stalked, sometimes with horrific results. What gives this film a tremendous sense of “oomph” is the fact that there really isn’t a whole lot of time spend on useless build-up. Taylor’s style of balls-out direction is no truer on display here as the parental duo of Nicolas Cage and Selma Blair as Brent and Kendall Ryan is one of cinematic gold. Cage, who on the normal is an actor that harnesses his bat-shit nuts style of character portrayal until it’s time to fully unleash the beast – well, consider this performance off of the friggin’ chain! It’s clear from the get-go that the relationship between the folks and the kids isn’t entirely the most drama-free and devoid of subtle hostility.

    Some of the scenes of various attacks are a bit tough to take at times, and although the film was created in jest, it’s still the shock factor that carries this one to the finish line with the audience kicking and screaming all the way. One scene inside a newborn delivery room had me shifting in my seat, and for that to happen is pretty damned impressive, and I’ve seen some rather demented shit over the course of my years. The film does get a bit disjointed at times, but order is restored when the mayhem returns in full-force, and Taylor’s action-film resume shows through with psychotic camera-angles and dizzying arrays of brute force from some characters. Blair and Cage didn’t exactly come off doubtless as a couple, and maybe they would have been better set as a separate-working tandem, but the two nevertheless provided some real entertainment once their switches got flipped (well, Cage’s switch never really has an “off” position in this movie).

    In the end of it all, Mom & Dad is the textbook definition of a “mindless movie,” and that’s not meant to be a negative in any fashion – I absolutely loved it from beginning to end, and this one is meant for a viewing with the kiddies to gently remind them what could happen if they ever get out of line (wink, wink).

    BUY IT NOW!

    • Film
    3.5

    Summary

    Ferocious, frenzied and ultimately fun, these parents certainly aren’t to be f**ked with!

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    Drag Me to Hell Blu-ray Review – Scream Factory Tops This Double Dip With Tasty New Extras

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    Starring Alison Lohman, Justin Long, Lorna Raver, Dileep Rao

    Directed by Sam Raimi

    Distributed by Scream Factory


    After jump-starting his career in horror, Sam Raimi branched off into different genres – western, drama, thriller – before getting called up to the big leagues for Sony’s Spider-Man (2002-2007) trilogy. Fans who had hoped for a return to the ol’ splatter days had a 17-year wait until that moment finally arrived with Drag Me to Hell (2009). Raimi had been kicking that script around for close to a decade, even offering it to Edgar Wright at one point after realizing he didn’t have the time to see it through. Once the dust settled from a public spat-of-sorts between Raimi and Sony over the direction of a proposed “Spider-Man 4”, however, suddenly Sam found himself with a whole lotta free time and the desire to work on something “smaller”. The script he and his brother, Ivan, had written all those years back now fit perfectly within the wheelhouse of Ghost House Pictures, a production company Raimi launched with longtime producer Robert Tapert in 2002. Armed with a bigger budget (~$30 million) than he had for any previous horror film, Raimi still kept the scale small and (surprisingly) lightened up on the gore, making a more accessible film that still retained his trademark style.

    Pasadena, 1959. A Hispanic family brings their son to see Shaun San Dena (Flor de Maria Chahua), a medium who specializes in demons and malevolent spirits, claiming the boy has been hearing voices after stealing a gypsy’s necklace. Before anything can be done the ground opens up and the child is literally dragged down into the fiery depths. Cut to present day, where we meet Christine Brown (Alison Lohman), an ambitious loan officer hoping to score that big promotion to assistant manager. She just has to impress her boss, Jim (David Paymer), and prove her abilities over Stu (Reggie Lee), a new co-worker gunning for the same position. Christine gets a chance to show she can “make the hard decisions” when elderly gypsy Sylvia Ganush (Lorna Raver) pays her a visit, looking for a loan extension on her about-to-be-foreclosed-upon home. Christine defers to Jim for advice, but he lobs the ball back into her court for the final decision. Thinking about that coveted promotion, Christine refuses the extension. Despite Mrs. Ganush’s on-her-knees pleading, Christine stands firm.

    Later that night, while leaving work Christine is attacked by Ganush and the two women have a knock-down drag-out brawl that ends with the haggard old liver spot snatching a button off Christine’s coat and imbuing it with a curse. Christine is able to make out the word “Lamia” before passing out. The next day Christine and her boyfriend, Clay (Justin Long), have a chance encounter with Rham Jas (Dileep Rao), a soothsayer who warns Christine that she has been beset upon by an evil spirit. Clay is skeptical but Christine hears his words and all but confirms them after seeing bizarre hallucinations and being attacked by the demon in her home. An attempt to appeal to Mrs. Ganush and have the curse lifted fails when Christine learns the old woman recently died. Rham Jas offers to have Shaun San Dena (Adriana Barraza) perform a séance to trap and kill the Lamia but, really, the only sure way to be rid of the curse is for Christine to “gift” the accursed object (her button) to another – and that person will befall the same horrific fate.

    When I first caught this in theaters I remember my only real disappointment was not Raimi’s lack of excessive gore but that so much of it was done using CGI. While there are several visceral, completely disgusting gross-out gags that were achieved with practical effects other moments, such as when the anvil drops on Ganush’s head, look like SyFy-level computer work. The kind of ingenuity that would have been used to pull of these effects is a large part of why Raimi’s early work is so beloved. Maybe the lure and ease of CGI is just too great? A similar thing happened to Peter Jackson, too. At least the tangible moments here are uncomfortably nasty, like Ganush’s frequent “gumming” of Christine’s chin… and all the gross crap she spits into her mouth. There is a lot to love; enough to outweigh the few moments of mediocrity. It’s just slightly frustrating as a fan because it’s clear where improvements could have been made. Still, bad CGI isn’t the film’s biggest problem…

    …it’s the acting. Alison Lohman seems like a very nice young woman and I have no desire to criticize her to death, but she doesn’t have any range. Her entire performance as Christine is monotonous and generally flat. Emotions come across as directions read off a page; nothing feels true. She isn’t bad enough to sink the entire film but it was glaring during this, my fourth or fifth time watching the film, where it became very apparent. Also, I usually like Long but he’s just kinda phoning it in here. The climax when he’s yelling out “Oh god!” on the train station platform is bad on a level only Ryan O’Neal could understand.

    Christopher Young kills it, though. The man behind one of the greatest horror scores of all time, Hellraiser (1987), delivers with the goods. His main theme is reminiscent of “Danse Macabre” and the entire soundtrack vacillates between devilish strings and powerful, overwhelming compositions. The sound design was a highlight of this film (how often is that noticed enough to garner praise?) and Young’s score propels it to the fiery depths with glorious results.

    Raimi has only done one picture since Drag Me to Hell, 2013’s Oz the Great and Powerful, and although much talk has occurred about potential vehicles nothing is set in stone as of yet. Hopefully, once he does jump back into the fold it’s with something akin to this fiendish little gem and not another bloated CGI epic.

    Universal’s previously issued Drag Me to Hell on Blu-ray, with both cuts of the film occupying a single BD-50 disc and sporting an outdated encode. Scream Factory’s release spreads those versions out onto two discs, with each getting its own BD-50. The 2.40:1 1080p image isn’t a major leap in picture quality over the last edition, but videophiles will pick up on the improved black levels, tighter contrast, and lack of obvious compression issues. The picture is clean, blemish-free, and nicely detailed with strong color saturation and a proficient reproduction of the theatrical experience.

    As with the Universal disc, expect to find audio options in English DTS-HD Master Audio with both 2.0 and 5.1 surround sound tracks included. As mentioned, Young’s score soars in lossless, providing a tense, immersive experience for viewers. Rear speakers are used frequently, especially during scenes involving the Lamia, and viewers can expect to hear demonic noises and scattered sound effects from every corner of the room. Dialogue is never lost in all this chaos, though, and voices are always clear and easy to understand. Subtitles are available in English.

    DISC ONE: Theatrical Cut

    “Production Diaries: Behind-the-Scenes Footage and Interviews with Cast and Crew” – Occasionally “hosted” by Justin Long these offer up a glimpse into the production via fly-on-the-wall and on-set video.

    “Vintage Interviews”, featuring additional chat time with Raimi, Lohman, and Long.

    Two TV spots and a theatrical trailer are also included here.

    DISC TWO: Unrated Cut

    “To Hell and Back: An Interview with Actress Alison Lohman” – The actress sits down to look back on the film she made nearly ten years ago.

    “Curses!: An Interview with Actress Lorna Raver” – This old lady is so adorable, talking about how she knew little of the project until she was fully committed and then learned it was such a horrific role.

    “Hitting All the Right Notes: An Interview with Composer Christopher Young” – The man behind the brilliant score has plenty to say about his working relationship with Raimi, as well as how he wrote the outstanding soundtrack.

    A still gallery can also be found here.

    Back to (mostly) basics and dripping with the signature style fans had missed for so long, Raimi came back in a big way with “Drag Me to Hell”. Nearly ten years on the film still holds up just as well, although it is robbed of additional pathos due to wooden acting. Regardless, this is just what fans hoped to see Raimi pull off once again and he does not disappoint.

    Special Features:

    Disc One:

    • NEW HD master of the theatrical cut taken from the 2K digital intermediate
      Production Diaries – with behind-the-scenes footage and interviews with co- writer/director Sam Raimi, actors Allison Lohman, Justin Long, David Paymer, Dileep Rao, Lorna Raver, special effects guru Greg Nicotero, director of photography Peter Deming, and more… (35 minutes)
    • Vintage interviews with director Sam Raimi and actors Alison Lohman and Justin Long (33 minutes)
    • TV Spots
    • Theatrical Trailer

    Disc Two:

    • NEW HD master of the unrated cut taken from the 2K digital intermediate
    • NEW To Hell and Back – an interview with actress Alison Lohman (12 minutes)
    • NEW Curses! – an interview with actress Lorna Raver (16 minutes)
    • NEW Hitting All The Right Notes – an interview with composer Christopher Young (17 minutes)
    • Still Gallery
    • Drag Me to Hell
    • Special Features
    4.0

    Summary

    Back to (mostly) basics and dripping with the signature style fans had missed for so long, Raimi came back in a big way with “Drag Me to Hell”. Nearly ten years on the film still holds up just as well, although it is robbed of additional pathos due to wooden acting. Regardless, this is just what fans hoped to see Raimi pull off once again and he does not disappoint.

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    Suspiria U.K. Blu-ray Review – Argento’s Masterpiece In Stunning 4K Clarity

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    Starring Jessica Harper, Stefania Casini, Flavio Bucci, Udo Kier

    Directed by Dario Argento

    Distributed by CultFilms


    Although the 40th anniversary of Dario Argento’s seminal giallo masterpiece Suspiria passed only last year, plans for that milestone had been underway for years. Unbeknownst to all but the most diehard fans, restorative work was ongoing for a long while, most notably under the masterful eye of Synapse’s Don May, Jr., leading up to a grand unveiling of the all-new 4K picture that had been perfected and tweaked endlessly. That version of the film toured across the country at select events, giving fans an opportunity to watch Argento’s colorful classic with a picture more vibrant and full of pop than ever before. Even the original English 4.0 audio track from 1977 was restored to its former glory. Between all of the loving care Suspiria received, as well as the wealth of Argento reissues on Blu-ray, this is a good time to be a fan of his early works.

    There are, however, actually two 4K restorations that were done for Suspiria; one, by Don May Jr., while the other was performed by TLEFilms FRPS in Germany. This is the same master used for home video release in Europe and Australia. Fans have viewed and picked apart both transfers, though you would have to be one of the ultra-purists to enter that debate and engage anyone willing to discredit either image. The job done by Synapse is extraordinary and the same can also be said for the work done by TLEFilms. This release by CultFilms features the TLEFilms restoration, making it either an attractive alternative to Synapse’s (currently OOP) steelbook release or a nice supplement for fans who wish to own both 4K versions.

    Suspiria has been viewed and reviewed and discussed an endless amount of times and there are no undiscussed criticisms or introspective viewpoints I am likely to offer that haven’t been made before. Argento has long been an example of style over substance and Suspiria is his most emblematic work in that regard. American Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper) arrives in Germany at a prestigious all-girls dance academy late one rainy night. Girls have mysteriously vanished from the compound in recent days, with more to follow. Suzy is coldly greeted and frequently uncomfortable during her stay. Eventually she uncovers a plot involving witchcraft and murder. The story is less thrilling than the ride, which is a kaleidoscope of horror. Argento uses every trick in his bag, from inventive camera movement to ingenious framing, and the use of colored filters to evoke a mood so many have attempted to replicate.

    The real interest many will have with this review is in regard to the picture quality. As I said before, the 2.35:1 1080p image provided by TFEFilms’ exhaustive restoration work is nothing short of astounding. This looks like a film that might have been made last year, never mind over four decades ago. The image is razor sharp, exceedingly clear and completely free of blemishes, dirt, debris, scratches, fluctuations, and jitter. The picture could not appear more stable, with the contrast rock solid and coloration a thing of beauty. Primaries leap off the screen with vibrancy even longtime fans will admit is a shocking surprise. Watching this picture in action is a true treat. Detailing is exquisite, revealing every little nuance in Argento’s framing. Simply put, this is a flawless image that ranks among the upper echelon of reference-quality Blu-ray transfers.

    Similarly, the audio is no slouch with options available in both English and Italian, each receiving both a DTS-HD MA 5.1 surround sound track and an LPCM 2.0 option. The multi-channel track is the clear winner here, proving a deep, immersive audible experience that completely envelops the viewer in both Argento’s world and Goblin’s phenomenal score. Seriously, the soundtrack for Suspiria has never been as unsettling and overpowering as it is here, filling every corner of your home theater room with a palpable sense of dread. Subtitles are, of course, available in English.

    Please note: this release is locked to Region B, meaning you must have a compatible player to watch the disc.

    This release also features different bonus material from the Synapse release, with an emphasis here placed on the restoration process. Completists may want to add this disc to their collection because it not only offers up a different-but-equal a/v presentation but also a new collection of bonus features.

    An audio commentary is included, provided by film critics/authors Alan Jones and Kim Newman.

    “The Restoration Process” is a nearly one-hour piece that examines every step along the way in bringing Suspiria back to such stunning life. Technical talk abounds here; definitely for fans who want a glimpse into the nerdier side of making movies look pretty again.

    “Argento Presents His Suspiria” is a new interview with the director, who surprisingly doesn’t seem sick to death of talking about this film yet.

    “Fear at 400 Degrees: The Cine-Excess of Suspiria” offers up critical appraisal of the film’s visual style, featuring interviews with critics, theorists, and others involved in making the film.

    “Suspiria Perspectives” offers up more in-depth discussion of the film, covering both this feature and similar Italian pictures made during that era.

    A DVD copy of the feature is also included. The two-disc set sits within a slick, shiny embossed slipcover with the film’s logo in metallic silver. It’s kinda sexy.

    Special Features:

    • The Restoration Process
    • Argento Presents His Suspiria
    • Fear at 400 Degrees: The Cine-Excess of Suspiria
    • Suspiria Perspectives
    • Audio Commentary
    • Suspiria
    • Special Features
    3.5

    Summary

    Looking better than ever before, Cult Films’ release of this giallo classic is welcomed as both a more affordable (current) alternative to the U.S. release and as a complement to it, since this edition has a slight variation in picture quality and a selection of different and insightful bonus features.

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