Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Sean Pertwee, Dominique Pinon, Rick Warden, Oscar Pearce, Jennifer Lim
Directed by Johannes Roberts
Distributed by Lionsgate Home Entertainment
When Evil calls, don’t answer. Let it go to voice mail. If you have Verizon, let “The Network” deal with it.
I’ve sat through a lot of shit. More than I care to recall. From toothless zombie movies to flaccid torture porn and everything in between. I’ve done so countless times. Why, you ask? Sometimes I honestly don’t know. It’s like I have some inner calling that makes me watch it all. But this? I’m not even sure if When Evil Calls is what could be considered an actual movie. I’m just sitting here at a loss. Stymied.
Let’s start at the beginning …
From looking at the DVD box, I figured this to be an Asian knock-off timed to coincide with the abysmal yet strangely amusing One Missed Call remake (review here). I was wrong. First off, this is an English film from our friends across the pond who with the import of this drivel have proven their hatred for us.
Once the ball gets rolling, we’re introduced to a babbling school janitor played by an ever-so-slumming Sean Pertwee. Apparently the old coot has some tales to tell. Twenty of them in fact. That’s right … twenty. Mind you the film itself is only seventy-six (of the longest) minutes total. What we have here is a piece of shit made up of numerous vignettes that are each between one and three minutes long with Pertwee popping up in-between each to spew horrendous Crypt Keeper-esque dialogue during the wraparound tale that is so ridiculous it’s embarrassing to watch.
So what is this trash about? Who fucking knows. What I gathered was this — After some ludicrous mumbo-jumbo having to do with a demonic clown, each teen in some school gets a text message informing them that they’ve been granted a wish. How spooky. Ponder that if you will. A text message. So what if the tagline on the box reads — “The Voice of Terror”! Whose voice? Are we to believe these unlucky students are being stalked via cellphone by a pissed off Speak-and-Spell from Hell? What the fuck?!? Keeping with the stupidity of the situation, our kids text their wishes back, and the poorly rendered digital effects hit the fan. It’s hard to successfully put into words how unbelievably bad this subject matter is handled. Director(!) Johannes Roberts should never ever be allowed near a camera again. This makes One Missed Call look like the fright-fest of the century!
What you’re reading here is probably going to be one of the shortest reviews I’ve ever written. Sure, I could sit here and rip When Evil Calls apart in all sorts of humorous ways, but honestly, I just can’t get by my overall disgust. The stench of ineptitude exuded by this one-note, shit-out, steaming, failure-pile of cinematic travesty is actually keeping my spite at bay. Anyone who’s read anything that I have written can attest that this is no small feat.
In short — Fuck this movie. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just gonna go and sit in the dark for a while.
End of review.
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1 out of 5
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