Reviewed by Melissa Bostaph
Starring Jackie Vernon, Loren Schein, Al Troupe, Marla Simon
Directed by Wayne Berwick
Distributed by Anthem Pictures
Don’t let the glorious title lure you in to the trap within the plastic case of Microwave Massacre. You would be better off listening to the most fitting tagline I’ve ever read, “The worst horror movie of all time.” Yeah, that’s the line they’re banking on. Basically, this movie sucks balls (and not even well) but buy it anyway!
Microwave Massacre makes Troma films look like Oscar contenders!
The “plot” (and I use that term as loosely as a hooker keeps her legs shut) is as such; Donald is a construction worker whose wife, May, is obsessed with fine French cuisine and her obscenely oversized microwave. The meals she makes are nearly the most terrifying part of the film and poor Donald just wants to be able to pronounce the names of what he’s eating. Well, one day May’s “cooking” sends Donald over the edge and guess what? He can pronounce her name! Donald develops a taste for a particularly unusual meat and puts May’s massive microwave to very good use.
Egad, even that makes it sound far more interesting than it really is! Don’t be fooled! Even by my clever writing, the movie is bad! It was shot in 1983 with a budget of about six dimes, a nickel, a bit of lint and a paperclip! If I would have had the paperclip myself I would have straightened it and poked my own eyes out and I would have used the lint to wad in my ears to protect it from the atrocious 70’s wanna-be porn music!
The actors in this film couldn’t have done worse jobs if they had been coked up chimpanzees. It almost looked like they were all reading their lines, but in certain cases I don’t think literacy was possible. If the insane random titties weren’t ridiculous enough, the fact that Donald (Jackie Vernon) was able to renew his once dead and forgotten sex life by picking up multiple hot girls as easily as a White Castle Slider goes through your system was absolutely ludicrous! And the sex? *shudders* the sex is honestly the most horrifying part of Microwave Massacre. I’ve done a lot of stuff in my day, and seriously … I have NO IDEA what was being done on or off screen!
It’s always a good sign when a film with a running time of an hour and 16 minutes ends up feeling like Lawrence of Arabia if you were actually lying naked in the hot desert sun with your ass cheeks being seared shut with scorching sand while angry camels stomp on your genitals. That almost sounds more appealing to me than having to sit through Microwave Massacre again. The fact that I made it through the whole movie the first time is a miracle in itself. The fact that I am wasting my time and yours to write this review is a sin!
I was asked to review the DVD, so I am. The movie itself is covered, so I’ll move on to the DVD now. I will again quote the actual case. “Special Features: Absolutely None, Nada, Zip, Zilch.” which pretty much sums up what I think this movie was worth in the first place. Why it was released after nearly a quarter of a century when it should have been allowed to die and dissolve into non-existence is beyond my comprehension. I guess it’s a case of “to each his own” but I would have been happier if it would have been left back in the 80’s with big hair, bad jeans, and most of my childhood.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go figure out what I did to my co-writers to deserve this type of inhumane abuse.
1/2 out of 5
0 out of 5
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