Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Danica McKellar, Juliet Landau, Sean Kanan, Jay Kenneth Johnson
Directed by Matt Flynn
Distributed by Allumination Filmworks
I have seen movies that made me laugh. I’m a man; I can also admit that I have seen movies that made me cry. I’ve watched flicks that featured real animal and human deaths. I’ve eaten popcorn while watching stories that showcased fetuses being thrown around like Frisbees. Hell, I’ve even sat through films that made me question my love for the genre. Yet, never, EVER, have I been offended by a single movie … until now. Hack! has seemingly done the impossible. It has made me physically angry. Not because of any objectionable content, but because in its one-hundred-minute runtime, it managed to spit in my face as a horror fan by treating me, the viewer, as if I were an imbecile.
The storyline is so paper thin I don’t even know where to begin. We start with a group of students … the pretty boy, the nerdy hot chick, the weed-smoking black guy, the Goth chick, the football-toting jock, the sexy foreign exchange student, and a flamboyant Asian. This ever-so-been-there-done-that group heads out to a deserted island for extra credit with their teacher, Mr. Argento. Yep, Mr. fucking Argento. Upon reaching said island, the group is greeted by Mr. King (I shit you not) and — hold on to your asses — Mary Shelley. Of course the shit hits the fan in every conceivable cliché manner, and it’s not long before our paper thin characters are being offed in very familiar ways. Good thing for them Sheriff Stoker and Sheriff Radley are hot on the missing person’s case of one Mr. Carpenter that leads them to said island. Dude, there’s even a boat named The Orca.
I’m sick to my stomach.
To make matters worse, we’re also treated to a cavalcade of cameos ranging from Kane Hodder showing up for the opening minutes to a mini-Rocky reunion with Burt Young and Tony Burton(!). One would think that the script for this piss-poor excuse for a horror flick was written on tracing paper. Characters show up with no real purpose for being there, lines are quoted from other films verbatim, scenes from other movies are clumsily re-enacted, and meaningless plot devices are hurled at the viewer with the fury of an enraged Viking chasing after someone who has stolen the last goblet of beer off his table. This type of shit is not funny, not clever, and not timely. It’s not that I “just don’t get it” either. I know what the people behind this mess were trying to do. It’s that I just don’t friggin’ want it. All of this inane silliness comes in the name of making some great mystical homage that plays more like being given the finger than it does being given a clever wink-wink.
By the time the third or fourth seen-it-from-a-mile-away plot twist came to be, I had to force myself to not shut this abomination of a film off. It’s that silly, that forced, and that bad. Here’s a hint for up-and-coming filmmakers … Just because you’re a movie geek doesn’t mean you have to litter your own film with bullshit aimed at proving how hip and in touch you are. Let the movies that you loved be your inspiration, not your failed knock-off final product. Try making something that will inspire others in the future and leave the blatant ill-timed mimicry alone.
Now on to the special features … You know what? Stop. I’ll let this scan from the back of the box cover tackle this section of the review for me. Dig it —
Those Spanish subtitles, man. They’re fucking AWESOME! I love that there’s an exclamation point after the words “Bonus Features”. Strangely enough, this is quite fitting, and I’m not really even sure why.
With that, I am done. I shall never write, speak, or think about this shit-fest ever again. Please, for the love of sweet baby Jesus laying calmly in his manger on a bed of holy hay, stop with the cameos, in-jokes, homages, and nods. My DVD player has been fouled.
I am anger personified.
1 out of 5
1/2 out of 5
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