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Captivity (DVD)

Captivity DVD (click for larger image)Reviewed by Uncle Creepy

Starring Elisha Cuthbert, Daniel Gillies, Michael Harney, Laz Alonso

Directed by Roland Joffe

Distributed by Lionsgate Home Entertainment


Jesus Christ. Where to start?

Picture if you will being alone in a darkened room. The only light comes from the TV flickering in front of you. On the screen some of the most vile and hard-to-sit-through stuff you have ever seen unfolds before your very eyes. You have no choice. You cannot escape. You must finish watching this piece of shit film so you can write out a review. Welcome to my world. The world of a horror DVD critic.

I’m not going to bother getting into exactly why Captivity sucked. My colleague Andrew Kasch more than nailed that in his Captivity review here. Really there’s nothing more to cover film-wise. Instead, let’s look at the DVD itself.

The first thing you’re going to wonder when looking at the cover is whether or not an unrated cut of this film can make any difference in terms of its entertainment value. No. It was shit. It is shit. It’s now just longer shit.

Moving on …

Captivity DVD (click for larger image)In terms of supplemental material we get a decent little package. Although why anyone would want to stick around long enough to watch anything else having to do with this friggin’ mess of a movie is completely beyond me. First up is an eleven-minute making-of featurette that I watched in its entirety just to see what these folks had to say for themselves. Whatever. Next up we have a fourteen-minute look at the additional torture footage filmed for Captivity‘s eventual release. These scenes were the only part of the flick that was even remotely interesting, but not because they are good. The word good does not apply in any way, shape, or form to this final nail in the torture-porn sub-genre. The aforementioned scenes are only interesting because of their laughable absurdity. Finally there are sixteen minutes of deleted scenes that offer two equally as shitty alternate endings and a trailer.

Don’t let your curiosity get the better of you. There are far more entertaining ways to pass your time, such as:

  • Painful bone marrow transplants.
  • Exploring Rosanne Barr’s third roll of fat.
  • Burning the President in effigy.
  • Examining anything from Macedonia.
  • Being suffocated between the sagging man-breasts of an aging grappler.
  • Climbing to the top of the nearest building and threatening to jump, thereby stopping traffic and drawing onlookers. Then after five hours of negotiations, saying to everyone, “Just foolin’!” and surrendering peacefully.
  • Watching the Emergency Broadcast System automated TV message and enjoying the feeling of security we get just knowing it is there.
  • That is all. You’ve been warned. Don’t blame me if you decide to sit through it anyway.

    Special Features

  • Making-of Captivity featurette
  • On the Set of Captivity featurette
  • Deleted scenes
  • Trailer
  • Film:

    1 out of 5

    Special Features:

    2 out of 5

    Don’t discuss Captivity in our Dread Central forums or anywhere else. Please!

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    Steve Barton

    You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never, ever choose to be.