Poseidon Rex (2014)
Staci Layne Wilson
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Starring Brian Krause, Anne Daniels, Steven Helmkamp, Candice Nunes
Directed by Mark Lester
The title should tell you a lot regarding what you’re about to see when you check out Poseidon Rex – much along the lines of Big Ass Spider, Sharknado, and Mongolian Death Worm, this science fiction horror flick is heavy on the cheese and light on meat.
Some folks are just suckers for these kinds of movies and will see them regardless of the reviews. So I’m going to take the approach that it’s “not supposed to be a good movie” – you know what I’m talking about. But it has to be watchable, right? Poseidon Rex falls just this side of OK, thanks to some zany CGI aquatic dinosaurs, spirited performances by less-than-competent actors, and a clichéd underworld drug-crime subplot.
Brian Krause (you probably know him from the “Charmed” TV series, but the actor previously waded dangerous waters in Return to the Blue Lagoon) plays Jackson Slate, a roguish swashbuckler who’s diving deep for lost treasure when – Shock! Surprise! – he uncovers the nested eggs of an angry prehistoric sea-monster.
Monster-mama is mad as a wet hen (minus the feathers, but fully stocked with teeth and claws) and goes on the attack. Slate is chased away for a bit, but the lure of priceless gold bars is just too much for him. He gathers up a band of rag-tag helpers – a surgically-enhanced, bottle-blonde marine biologist, a pair of hapless tourists enjoying a romantic getaway in Belize, and an adventure-seeking boat captain – and off they go into the wild blue yonder.
Meanwhile, a villainous criminal kingpin is hunting Slate, and a remote military skeleton crew is tracking the progress of the newly-discovered Rex and trying to ensure it never makes its way to shore. Slate tries to stay under both those radars as he risks life and limb in pursuit of the riches. Meanwhile, he and the busty science-babe fall for each other (and there’s a hilarious love scene, complete with cartoon “smooching” sounds over the rated G action).
There’s an awful lot of shoring-up in this water-thin plot (scripted by Rafael Jordan, whose many credits include titles like Dragons of Camelot and Ragin Cajun Redneck Gators), and it’s sometimes rather sluggishly directed by Mark L. Lester (who’s seen better days… back in the 80s he directed Class of ’84, Firestarter, and Commando to name a few… but hey, at least he’s still working).
There are quite a few WTF? moments of utter nonsense (like, how can the immersed divers talk to one another through their air-regulating mouthpieces?) which you’ll either embrace or eschew. To me, it’s all in fun and Poseidon Rex isn’t a complete waste of time… if you enjoy these sorts of movies anyway.
2 out of 5
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