Legend of Hercules, The (2014)

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The Legend of Hercules (2014)Starring Kellan Lutz, Scott Adkins’ beard, Liam Garrigan, Gaia Weiss, Roxanne McKee, and the credits swear Jonathan Schaech was in this calamity somewhere though I never recognized him

Directed by Renny Harlin

In the epic origin story THE LEGEND OF HERCULES, Kellan Lutz stars as the mythical Greek hero – the son of Zeus, a half-god, half-man blessed with extraordinary strength. Betrayed by his stepfather, the King, and exiled and sold into slavery because of a forbidden love, Hercules must use his formidable powers to fight his way back to his rightful kingdom. Through harrowing battles and gladiator-arena death matches, Hercules embarks on a legendary odyssey to overthrow the King and restore peace to the land.

The Asylum had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the making of The Legend of Hercules 3D, but I still feel compelled to congratulate them on it being their best mockbuster yet.

The Legend of Hercules 3D currently has only one positive review on Rotten Tomatoes, deservedly. Yet, here I am prepared to give it a second positive review for being the best comedy of 2014 thus far. I wish I laughed this hard during Anchorman 2. “Twinkules” (as some online have dubbed it just because the lead actor looks like he should be modeling in an Abercrombie & Zeus catalogue) became one of those special films that so astounded me I was motivated to bust out my trusty voice recorder on the drive home from the theater to give my immediate raw thoughts while the delirium was still fresh in my punch drunk mind. Forgive any background noise you may hear; this is a road report.

So, unless you want the wrath of Zeus to come upon you, BOOOOOOOOOOOY!!!!, I suggest you listen to me try to maintain my composure as I to explain why The Legend of Hercules 3D reduced me to a giggling goofball.

  • Click here for The Legend of Hercules audio review!

    2 1/2 out of 5

    Discuss The Legend of Hercules in our comments section below!

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    • The Critic Man

      Whoa, this truly sounds awful. I really hope the Rock starring version does a significantly better job.

    • MonsterMash

      Sounds like quite the film. In the worst ways possible. And that’s a lazy, lazy fuckin’ poster. I’ve never really gotten into all of that Conan knock-off shit, but I really enjoyed your review. Oh, and I dug the Conan remake. I don’t get all the hate. It’s nothing special, but it’s fun. Maybe it’s just because it doesn’t have Arnie. I look forward to a Hercules film where he kills his family like in the story. That kind of film would have balls, BOOOOOOOYY!!!! I hope that’s this year’s RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!

    • kiddcapone

      I’m beginning to think you didn’t go into the film with an open mind sir. Although I didn’t actually take the time to listen to any of your complaints, I’m sure they are not valid because this is only the first film and Hercules was just introduced. Everything will be explained at some point, in some film, eventually, down the road in a future sequel. Learn to have some fun and stop nitpicking, you will never change anybody’s mind.

      • Foywonder

        I’m beginning to think the new Paranormal Activity has driven you insane Lovecraft-style.

        • kiddcapone

          Possibly. I do have a soft spot for Dagon.

          • GODFLESH69

            Why is a review of the given awful Legend of Hercules on here ? I thought this was a Horror site?! Kidd ,Dagon was awesome as was Necronomicon anyway who cares about this ? Bring the HORROR leave this shite off here !!!

            • MonsterMash

              The story of Hercules deals with some pretty horrific themes. He kills his family, fights monsters, and goes to hell as part of his twelve tasks. I think that qualifies.

            • GODFLESH69

              Dont get me wrong I grew up on this stuff saw Sinbad & the Eye of The Tiger in theater when i was 6 still remember that experience same with original Clash of the Titans in 81 but this from what i’ve seen has no business being on here just my take doesn’t make it so this just looks so lame in comparison hope the Rocks version delivers.

            • MonsterMash

              Oh yea I do too. My dad showed me all of the Sinbad movies when I was little. Jason and the Argonauts blew my fuckin’ mind. Clash did, too. It’s been too long since a really good movie in that vein has been made.

            • GODFLESH69

              Oh yeah all those Harryhausen pics were awesome loved that shit then they ruined the franchise by putting the Hulk in there and making it all cheesy .I would totally welcome an updated reboot of Sinbad it has so much potential if done right surprised it hasn’t happened by now i’m sure the studios will ruin it if they do anyway. The 1st Clash remake was so disappointing, unwatchable enjoyed the follow up a little ,make it happen!!!