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Woods Have Eyes, The (DVD)

The Woods Have Eyes DVD(click for larger image)Starring no one of importance

Directed by Anthony Indelicato

Distributed by Echo Bridge Home Entertainment


In The Woods Have Eyes a group of young people come under attack by some backwoods hicks. Low budget acting, gore and nudity follow. That’s all you need to know about the plot. If you didn’t notice … the title lacks originality. So do the plot, characters, and the cop-out twist in the end. Why waste time with a long synopsis?

Echo Bridge Home Entertainment is hitting all the same lows that Lionsgate has this past year with their direct-to-video releases. It seems anyone with $500 and a couple of naked tits can get a DVD released by these companies. Quality is taking a back seat to quantity at an alarming rate. Why would any horror fan pick these up when there are real classics out there?

Let’s look at all the areas where Woods fails.

First there’s the name The Woods Have Eyes, a title that is clearly a rip-off of Craven’s Hills films. Why not use Cappy’s Cabin instead since this is based on a true story and that is the name of one of the picture’s main locations? Sigh.

The Woods Have Eyes review (click to see it bigger)Do we really need to state why the acting sucks? Over the past year we’ve proven time and time again that any sort of cheap horror production like this (with the exception of a few) casts some of the most untalented actors to spit out lines of dialogue with all the talent of a special ed high school drama class. The sad fact is some of the actors/actresses have been cast in other projects where they showed some talent. So what the hell happened here? Is it the George Lucas effect? Can a director suck so hard that he drains the skills right out of even the most talented cast member?

You know what? Screw the rest of the film’s failings. What is important to note is Woods is a 90-minute eyesore rife with bad acting, plot holes and the shitty “Oh, it was all a dream” ending. Fuck that. Honestly, what else can be said when you’ve seen a steady stream of direct-to-video crap? Each one just starts to gel with the next release. Crap is crap. We’re paying to be entertained, not to raise our eyebrows in amazement that this movie got distribution.

The Woods Have Eyes review (click to see it bigger)I really wish there was something good to say about this DVD to warrant the time and money spent on printing and shipping it out to retailers. There’s no upside, even when watching the special features. We get to see how one single stunt was pulled off, and boy is it about as thrilling as watching a fat chick clean her rolls. There’s gotta be something decent on the gag reel right? Uuuuh, nope. I’ll admit to being easily amused, but everything about The Woods Have Eyes just causes the viewer to become depressed.

Save yourselves some time and rent the original The Hills Have Eyes or even the remake if you want real action and entertainment. Neither film is perfect, but at least you won’t be subconsciously slitting your wrists while Woods crawls along.

Special Features

  • Making of a Stunt featurette
  • Gag reel

    Movie

    1 out of 5

    Extras

    1 out of 5

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  • Mike Phalin

    Since 1997, Michael Patrick Phalin has been a contributing writer to various websites including Dread Central, iMockery, Bloody Disgusting and KrytenSyxx. During the early 1980s, Phalin's love of the movie industry was fueled by the VHS tapes he found during his time spent at the video rental store his mother worked at. Rather than attending a daycare regularly, young Michael would form a tower of tapes with interesting cover art and go watch each one, the very first of these being the original 'A Nightmare on Elm Street.' From that point he was hooked on horror and the process behind creating special effects. In his twenties, Mike met Steve 'Uncle Creepy' Barton and was soon aiding the horror website Dread Central with film reviews. As the site grew in popularity, Phalin soon started writing news stories and conducting interviews on a daily basis. After a few years, he decided to take a break from writing to focus on other opportunities. After moving to a beach community with his wife Michelle, both were cast to appear in the final season of A&E's home improvement show 'Fix This Yard' in 2013. This event rekindled Mike's love of the entertainment industry. Between the time he spends being with his family, Michael continues to contribute to Dread Central both with writing and photography. In his mid-thirties, Phalin took up oil painting after being inspired by an episode of Bob Ross. Pieces of his artwork and photography can be found on his Tumblr and official website.