Directed by Chuck Konzelman and Cary Solomon
Distributed by ThinkFilm
Shy guy, Harry Balbo (Flanery), can’t get the ladies. His supressed and reclusive nature have led him to a life of depression and solitude. Harry has no friends aside from a corner store clerk and his co-workers dispise him. But one fateful night our shy hero encounters a beautiful vampire who will forever change his life.
Smitten by the murderous undead, Harry constructs a metal cage in the basement of his apartment building and gets lucky enough to trap his prey. Now, not only does he have to keep her a secret, she needs to be fed blood … daily. What is a nice guy like Harry to do?
Truth be told, it was pretty clear from the first few minutes that we had a stinker when the filmmakers wanted us to believe that Sean Patrick Flanery couldn’t get laid. The opening of the film is pretty much Flanery looking buff and flexing his muslces, what the fuck? They couldn’t get a more believable loser like Dustin Diamond to play the lead?
Not only is our hero unrealistic in his role but so is the vampire hotty, Tatiana (Charlotte Ayanna). This semi-sexy blood sucker has all the potential to be a very seductive beauty. It is just a let down that she: A) Never shows any skin; B) Was not done any favors thanks to the make-up department. At a distance Tatiana is stunning, but all her close up shots reveal bad skin and an over abundance of foundation.
Honestly, what is the point of having succubus in an unrated film if you aren’t going to at least show her screwing one of her lovers. What a bitch. So, she just rips guy’s heads off and leaves them with balls that are bluer than Frosty’s? Fuck that. I’d rather watch Dracula 2000 on a continous loop than get all teased.
What you won’t get teased with, however, is the gore. Heads are torn from bodies, rabbits are murdered and some poor schmuck has his arm ripped off … only to grow it back a couple seconds later?! Yes, a giant continuity error occured during The Insatiable that dropped its score almost into the negatives.
Some goofs are OK: boom mic or crew shadows. It does take a really blind editor or director to not notice that your final production has a mistake like the magical reappearing arm. We’re not talking about a slight couple seconds were we can see an arm tucked away, not this thing is out and about, missing all the gooey gore we had just seen a moment prior. Check out the pic in this review for what I am talking about.
There are some other minor problems that appear throughout the movie as well. The vampire babe is pretty strong; she can rip doors off their hinges with one hand, yet she cannot break out of the cage Harry traps her in. We’ll let the fact slide that he somehow managed to build a giant cage in an apartment complex basement and that no one else noticed this, but a blood sucker that can leap 20 feet in the air, overpower strong men and can change shape just can’t bend a few metal bars?
In the end The Insatiable is a horribly flawed DVD. With all the other films about vampires out there you are sure to find something, anything that is at least 10x better than this.
1 1/2 out of 5
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