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Actiongirls (2007)

Action Girls review! (click to see it bigger)Starring Susana Spears, Emily Kova, Adriana Zarcova

Directed by Scotty JX


Actiongirls: Soldiers of the Dead Part 1 … The title says it all doesn’t it? Girls, Guns, and the Walking Dead; Oh My! And let me tell you Actiongirls delivers on all its promises … at least I think it does.

Let’s put it this way; Watching Actiongirls: Soldiers of the Dead Part 1 is as much fun as masturbating with a glass dildo and a tuning fork! The first few minutes are cool and pleasurable, but by the end you’ve run out of lube and you’re singing an altogether different tune. Um… not that I’d know or anything …

Anyways…

I’ll do my best to fill you in on what Actiongirls is all about which, by the way, is more than the film’s writers tried to do.

The movie’s opening is stuffed with more violence and nudity than a D’Amato film. It also has enough rolling text to make the Star Wars “A Long Time Ago” sequence seem like a song title and as a matter of fact most of the film is subtitled. This is odd and mildly annoying at times, especially since the film is in English. Well, sort of; the movie is supposedly set in a futuristic, post-apocalyptic setting and I think the subtitles are there to confuse … er … I mean convey that people have developed a new primitive language.

Action Girls review! (click to see it bigger)Well, like I said the world as we know it is in ruins and is being run by gangs of rogue wanna-be Nazis. And let’s just say that it’s not a great time for women’s rights. Helman’s Death Squad is the most infamous of these lecherous bunches. Now Hitle, er, I mean Helman is a really sweet guy. He’s a female slave trader who finds great pleasure in stripping his merchandise down to their fashionable chains. He gives them accessories like shields and swords. Then he let’s them strut their stuff on the runway, which is actually an arena where they are forced to fight to the death. Like I said; he’s a sweetheart!

That’s the basic idea of what the film is supposed to be about… I think. But there are also the Actiongirls who escape Helman and his Queen (Adriana Zarcova). But then Adriana gets jealous and pissed at Helman and happens upon re-agent, oh, my bad, a “Secret Serum”, that can create an army of Living Dead Soldiers. Then the Actiongirls have to fight the soldiers even though the soldiers are how Adriana plans on getting back at Helman (almost forgot about Helman) and then, well you get the point.

It sounds confusing, but don’t worry; it’s only Part 1 remember!

In all honesty, Actiongirls: Soldiers of the Dead Part 1 is one of the best looking Sexploitation/Horror films about NOTHING that I’ve ever seen! The direction is fantastic, the camerawork is superb, the lighting is meticulous in every frame, the action sequences are what most people only wish they could do, he acting is good and the girls are smoking hot! I mean these are not just girls who would “get naked” for a scene; these are girls that you WANT to get naked for a scene!

Then there’s the story.

Action Girls review! (click to see it bigger)Seriously, I think the writer was on his way to a meeting one morning. There he was in a rush and not paying attention when a big gust of wind sent the script flying out of his grasp. In a panic he must have gathered the scattered pages in the order he found them (and I don’t think he found them all), stuck them back in the folder and submitted it in the new rearrangement. Of course he would have had to have submitted it to a horny teenage boy, because that’s pretty much the only way Actiongirls could have ended up the jumbled mess of scenarios that it did.

Boobs, Fights, Blood, Boobs, Ass, Boobs, Blood, Fights, Boobs … Yup, looks good to me!

But hey, color me a teenage boy because I liked it (I think) at least the first half. You know the cool, pleasurable part I mentioned earlier? The tuning fork had hit its mark and the film was ringing away with a tickling hum, a little sticky here and there but for the most part it was a nice smooth ride. About an hour in though the foreplay of female flesh had begun to wear off and things started to get uncomfortably dry. By the time the end credits rolled I was praying to pull the DVD out of the player.

I really wish I could shower praise (among other things) all over Actiongirls, but I can’t. When all was said and done I just added it to yet another 90 minute sessions in my life that started out hot, naked, and violent and ended without a climax!

3 out of 5

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Jon Condit