Dance With a Vampire (2006)

Dance With a Vampire reviewStarring Stacey Gillespie, Billy Blackwell, Matt Perry, Amy Wills, Frank Farhat, Marshall Fields

Written and Directed by George Bonilla

There are very few things that can tear my husband away from me. There are the required trips for work and occasional camping trips with the guys of course, but the most common reason for my husband’s absence is when I receive a package from Foywonder in the mail. As soon as I slide the discs out of the envelope and head toward the DVD player, I suddenly find myself alone.

Weird, you say?

Not really when you consider that the typical contents of Foy’s deliveries inevitably cause a variety of unpleasant side effects including, but not limited to, nausea, a strong desire for temporary blindness, irreversible damage to brain capacity and function, and loss of consciousness. I can’t even get into the more serious afflictions … there are some things that even Dread Central can’t cover.

Well, my husband was out of town when I received Foy’s last installment of DVD cruelty so he was spared … this time. Instead I dragged a neighbor into my hell and watched Dance With a Vampire with her.

Evil, I know, but hey, I’ve never claimed to be anything else.

Dance With a Vampire reviewSo there we sat watching a low-budget horror film about vampires. No big deal. We weren’t expecting anything spectacular or even good. But we certainly didn’t expect disco dancing vampires with bad 70’s clothes and hair to appear on the screen in a puff of fog machine glorification and proceed to kick the shit out of bikers, cops, and Nazis!

Yes, within the first few minutes of screen time, the vampires in this film are decked out in disco fashion that would make John Travolta envious, bust a synchronized groove on the dance floor, and then proceed to eliminate an entire bar full of low calorie Hell’s Angels. At that point my company and I were slack-jawed and knew we were in for a treat … or something.

As we were introduced to Redwood Justin (the Cowboy) and Bolt Upright (the Batman wanna-be, complete with utility belt), who are the heroes of the film, we were flabbergasted at the mounting absurdity. A montage of fight training simply concreted the fact that no matter how bad the movie was, the sheer lunacy would keep us glued to it.

You see the Cowboy is trying to save his sister from a group of vicious vampires when he is befriended by Bolt Upright, who is disguising himself as a homeless guy. Bolt and Redwood gather a hodge-podge group of assistants who are all bound and determined to fight against the vampire scum. Unfortunately the heroes are up against not only the undead hordes but also the entire local police force, who don’t believe Redwood’s fantastical tales of vampire induced woes. And of course the bumbling police are forced to find out the hard way that he’s been telling the truth all along.

Dance With a Vampire reviewSome of the make-up effects are pretty well done, and I thought the vampire designs were interesting. But that can’t hide the fact that the writing is terrible and rambles along pointlessly, the appearances of unnecessary characters add to the already muddled plot, the preposterous scenarios are made worse by cheap sets and sound effects, and the movie overstays its welcome at a staggering 116 minutes.

This movie is undeniably a steaming pile of manure, but for some reason I can’t help but push aside the bad acting, awful production value, and ridiculous digital effects. Dance With a Vampire is a bad movie, dreadful even, but it never takes itself too seriously. C’mon, Nazi fighting disco vampires? Of course it doesn’t take itself too seriously. It may be shit, but it’s mildly entertaining shit.

As for recommending Dance With a Vampire, I probably wouldn’t go that far unless it was maybe to someone who is looking to have a “Mystery Science Theatre” kind of good time.

2 1/2 out of 5

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Jon Condit