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Kottentail (DVD)

Kottentail DVD Review (click to see it bigger!)Starring Bridget Marquardt, Nathan Faudree, John Karyus, Noel Francomano, Heather Darling

Written and directed by Tony Urban

Distributed by Brain Damage Films


Here comes Hans Kottentail…
Hopping down the bloody trail…
Hippity Hop! Please, shoot me in the face!

With Easter about a month away I figured it would be the perfect time to review a film called Kottentail. Unfortunately a month will never be long enough to repair the damage that has been done to my soul! The box touts Kottentail as “a holiday horror classic that makes sure you will never look at Easter the same way again.” Well, I definitely know that the folks I watched it with will never look at ME the same way again! Before I continue, I owe them an apology…

Sara and Jim, I am sorry!

Kottentail opens in an experimental lab where animal research is rampant! *insert sarcasm* Inside we see a table, one small dog kennel containing the “rabbit” in question, and one extremely hot scientist played by Playboy’s Bridget Marquardt. Oddly enough she was the only “real bunny” in the scene or more appropriately… the whole movie!

A reporter and a prostitute… (No, I’m not starting a bad joke; the director already did that for me.) Anyway, these two ladies are a pathetic pair of animal rights activists that decide to liberate the abused victims of the aforementioned lab. And like all “good” animal rights fanatics, they steal the suffering bunny and release him safely into the closest PARKING AREA!

Kottentail DVD Review (click to see it bigger!)Relying on his animal instincts and uncanny speed, the newly freed bunny makes his way to the safety of a nearby farmer’s yard. This is where the unsuspecting Hans Kottentail happens upon the voracious rabbit in his garden. There is a struggle between man and beast, and Hans ends up on the receiving end of a nasty bite. Little does he know, but Hans’ life is about to get pretty harey. The bite causes genetic changes to the immigrant farmer, transforming him into a murderous, mutant man-rabbit! We’re talking Donnie Darko raped by Wendigo!

The buck-toothed brute goes on a hopping spree, leaving a trail of death, destruction, unsatisfied hookers, and a swirl of Coco Puffs in his wake. Now it is up to a rooky cop, a reporter, a call girl, a scientist, and a sorority pledge to put an end to this ravenous rabbit’s rampage! Yeeeeah, sounds like a great time right? Not really. This movie kills brain cells faster than a rabbit can fuc…Well, you get the point! Suffice it to say that sometimes a movie can be so bad it’s good, and sometimes a movie is so bad it sucks! Kottentail is unfortunately the latter.

The filmmakers knew they were making a crappy movie, and it shows. From the shoddy sound work to the atrocious acting, this movie is just BAD. I can give it this though … It may have set out having a mild animal rights message, but its deeper message is almost as obvious: Recycling! They recycled sets. They recycled props. Hell, they even recycled actors! One guy actually plays 3 or 4 different characters.

Kottentail DVD Review (click to see it bigger!) All I can say is that this Hasenpfeffer Horror doesn’t really bring much to the table. The effects and production quality are laughable. It doesn’t even deliver on the gratuitous nudity! The only sense of anticipation one feels watching the film is “When am I gonna see this girl naked?” That anticipation quickly turns to dread when all the wrong people start showing skin! There is a Playboy bunny in it, and she isn’t even the one that shows titty!

Although I understand that small indie films like this are usually working with extremely limited budgets, resources, and talent, I do prefer to see filmmakers put more effort into doing at least one thing right even if they know the rest is going to suck balls. Focus on something. Be it make-up, effects, story, etc., pick something, and do that one thing the best you can. Don’t just settle for a generalized quality of shit. They didn’t even get the DVD extra features right, unless you want to suffer through a bunch of stupid bloopers to get to the few that are worth watching.

I may have started out laughing along with the folks who made Kottentail, but I found myself laughing at them by the time the film ended. My friends were relieved that it was over, and I was relieved that I still had friends! To quote the film directly: “Not good, definitely not good.”

Special Features
Bloopers (actually a couple are worth seeing if you care)
Extended scenes (why?)
“I Want to be a Scream Queen” documentary (frightening & pointless)
“The Intestines: A Love Story” documentary (again, pointless)
Audio commentaries with (1) director Tony Urban & John Karyus and (2) star Nathan Faudree
Trailers

Film

1 out of 5

Special Features

1/2 out of 5

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Jon Condit