Directed by Ulli Lommel
Distributed by Lionsgate
Low budget films are flooding the market. Every time I turn around a new film complete with bad cover art or an unknown cast finds its way to my desk. So far the track record has been pretty bad, but maybe long time filmmaker Ulli Lommel can put an end to my pain with his 2004 entry Zombie Nation.
Do not be fooled by the name. Zombie Nation is not an undead film like George A. Romero’s or even Fulci’s. Instead Zombie Nation is more about a maniac cop than the flesh eating monsters. Officer Joe Singer is a fucked up person. His childhood was a strange one filled with ass slapping, an abusive mother and an embarrassing firetruck bed. As an adult Joe works dutifully as a police officer, arresting young women for anything, taking them to a warehouse and murdering them. But what happens when one of the females he offs is protected by a Voodoo curse?
What in the name of Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Juggernaut, and Smokey the God damn Bear is wrong with this movie?!?! Ulli Lommel’s name is associated with various films that continue to rank pretty damn low in the IMDB and this film does not break that record at all. Zombie Nation is rife with issues and boy are they fun to name off.
First let’s address the police force. For whatever reason (budget) the 707 precinct is in a warehouse staffed by about 5 law enforcement professionals. It’s pretty obvious that the walls of the cop shop weren’t supposed to be filmed above a certain line because that’s where the paint stops. Maybe the city just can’t afford a real office for the coppers? This would explain why the squad cars lack radios or computers that don’t have to be held in your lap. Since when did MS Word run people’s license plates and criminal records?
The lack of funds could also be the culprit behind the poor training each officer seems to have. It would seem that no other officer questions Joe’s treatment of those he arrests. Sure, he drags them off and they never return but why bother questioning it. That kind of activity should never register as suspicious around a cop’s instincts. In fact, when you report it you should be fully aware that no one will believe you and just drop it. One would not expect them to do any real detective work on those 1997 Packard Bell computers, do you?
“Where’s the lady?”
“What’s in the duffle bag?”
Put two and two together, jackoff!
Next on the “WTF?” list is the Voodoo. One of Joe’s victims had a very strange act preformed on her by a load of Voodoo priestesses and some horny animals that enjoy exploring the vaginal region. This is the sort of thing anyone should look into having done when they move to L.A. But does it work? Nope, that bitch still died but not after having her tits groped and almost being raped. I take it there are no refunds?
Somehow this one girl’s death sparks the zombification of Joe’s other female victims. They each rise from their shallow graves to wreck havoc on the … horny? Yes, these deep eyeshadow wearing dead girls are still sexy. There’s not a spot of dirt on them, nor are their cloths ripped in any way even those they just emerged from the soil. It just looks like they were hung over from going to a Boy George look-a-like contest. Hell, these undead bitches can talk, walk straight and muse about the one day when they can join other groups of zombies. Did I mention bad techno music accompanies them?
Could there possibly be more to add to this already steaming pile? Oh yes! Oh yes!!!
Once the zombie 5 get their acts together it’s time for revenge. Here is the one shining moment, enjoy it. Feast your eyes on the 2 minutes of intestine ripping, eye popping gore because that’s nearly all you get aside from the few fleeting bits earlier. Ah, 82 minutes of pure bliss were so well worth it for just those few amazing death scenes. Wait, no they weren’t.
What are these zombie honeys to do once they’ve torn old Joe to bits? Join the police force of course! Throw logic and common sense out the window! Sure, the 707 is in need of officers after the scandal was revealed but don’t law enforcement agencies usually do physicals, background checks or perhaps SMELL the applicants?
Zombie Nation is a mess that needs whipping up. There is no justification for how bad this movie turned out and that is even more compounded by listening to the commentary track where the filmmakers make it clear that they are proud of the tightly coiled brown biscuit they laid out on our doorsteps.
English & Spanish Subtitles
Closed Captioned (Totally not subtitles!)
Scene Selection (Unrated for your safety!)
Interactive Menus (Unrated for its safety!)
1 out of 5
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