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Pulse: Unrated (DVD)

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Pulse: Unrated DVD (click for larger image)Starring Kristen Bell, Ian Somerhalder, Christina Milian, Rick Gonzalez, Jonathan Tucker

Directed by Jim Sonzero

Distributed by Genius Products


We’ve all been there. While enroute to any destination we encounter them. Although the rest of the world is moving at a steady fifty-five miles per hour, they magically appear in front of us crawling along at thirty. Helplessly we slam our fists against the steering wheel while hoping that there is a good reason for this friggin’ idiot to be driving at the pace in which old people fuck. “That’s it! you think to yourself as you pull out from behind them with the intention of passing. Your heart’s racing. Your adrenaline is kicking in! This prick had better:

A- Be totally lost (which is really no excuse since they could just pull over and get directions, but hey, at least it’s something)

or

B- Be having a heart attack while at the wheel

Finally you can see into their driver’s side window, and the cause of your aggravation becomes apparent. The uber-schmuck in front of you was busy chatting away on his cell phone instead of paying attention to the road. Such is the world we live in. Everyone’s connected to something which someone else is connected to somewhere else almost all of the time. Technology is making privacy damned near obsolete. We can either go with it or pray for Mother Nature to put us in our places via a disaster of epic proportions. Pulse offers us a third possible scenario. One that seems almost plausible given the way that things are headed.

Pulse: Unrated DVD (click for larger image)A computer hacker unwittingly opens a door into the world of the dead, and as a result phantoms are passing through to our side. How are they getting here? Through anything that can act as a receiver. Cell phones, stereos, televisions, PDA’s, and of course PC’s. The only place anyone is safe is in an area in which there are no signals. (Having just traveled back from Hinesville, Georgia, I can tell you that should this ever happen, that is the place to go).

That’s the story in a nutshell. At its heart Pulse is a good old fashioned invasion movie. Instead of hordes of flesh-eating zombies or anal-probing aliens, we get a plethora of mostly bald(?!) ghosts who feast upon our “will to live”. Does it work? Truth be told, the original Japanese version of this film, Kairo, accomplishes the job a bit more competently, but this American remake has its moments.

Originally released in theatres as a PG-13 film, Pulse was kind of flaccid. This unrated version actually plays a lot better, not great or good mind you, just better. In it we get a few longer looks at a couple of the deaths including the suicide jump that was in the trailer but not included in the film’s PG-13 incarnation. Sometimes the small screen can inexplicably make a movie seem a bit stronger. I have no answer for how or why this happens; it just does. This is one of life’s great mysteries along with Sasquatch, Nessie, and Don King’s Afro. Still, there are moments in which nothing can help. No setting or amount of tinkering can save us from Kel O’Neill’s horrid performance as one of the hackers, Zieglar. It defies description. There are a few other pitfalls here and there (like the tacked-on feel of the ending), but overall director Jim Sonzero gets the job done.

Pulse: Unrated DVD (click for larger image)The DVD delivers too. For starters, there are two commentaries that fluctuate between great and ho-hum. The better of the two features Sonzero along with F/X guru Gary Tunnicliffe, with Tunnicliffe stealing the show as per usual. Any track this guy is on is always a great listen. From there we get two standard making-of featurettes along with some deleted and alternate scenes that were thankfully excised from the film.

The star of this package is without question the third featurette entitled Pulse and the Paranormal. In it we’re introduced to the phenomenon of ITC or Instrumental TransCommunication. What the hell is that you ask? Think a video version of EVP. It seems as if the dead are already finding new ways to break through. Spooky shit.

Clocking in at a run time of just about half an hour, the three featurettes manage to pack a bit of punch. I have to wonder though … shouldn’t there have been at the very least some mention of Pulse‘s Japanese counterpart? Other than in the commentaries it’s barely acknowledged. Come on guys, a little bit of homage can go a long way, especially for fans just discovering the world of Pulse. While the film is for the most part true to the spirit of the original, an extra nod would have been nice (not to mention just).

Honestly, I hope the dead do find a way in. At least in the case of those inconsiderate idiots that we always get stuck behind while driving. Please, Mr. Phantom, break on through. Drive your spirity goodness like a spike from the cell phone speaker straight through the empty chasm of their skull. Of course in my case, shortly after doing so, said idiot would then crash his car immediately into mine.

Sigh. I never win.

Special Features
Two commentary tracks with the filmmakers
Deleted and additional scenes
Creating the Fear: Making Pulse featurette
The Visual Effects of Pulse featurette
Pulse and the Paranormal featurette
Theatrical trailer

Film

3 out of 5

Special Features

3 out of 5

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The Dollmaker Short Film Review – Welcome to Heebie Jeebie City!

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Starring Perri Lauren, Sean Meehan, Dan Berkey

Directed by Alan Lougher


The loss of a young child drives a mother to take a set of unusual measures to preserve his memory, and all it takes is one call to The Dollmaker.

When the short film by Alan Lougher opens up, we see a rather disturbing image of a little boy inside a casket, and the sound of a grieving mom speaking with an unidentified man in the background – he’s requesting something personal of the child to help “finish” his product, and it’s not before long that mom has her little boy back…well, kind of. What remains of the child is the representation of his former self, although it’s contained within the frame of a not-so-attractive doll, and the boy’s father isn’t a believer in this type of hocus-pocus (or the price to have this constructed, either). The doll comes with a specific set of instructions, but most importantly, you cannot spend more than one hour a day with the doll, or else you’ll go mad thinking that the soul inside of it is actually the person that you lost – sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?

Well this is just too good to be true for Mommy, and as the short film progresses, we’ll just have to wait and see what happens to her mind – it’s ultimately a depressing scenario, but Lougher gives it that creepy feel, almost like visiting a relative’s home and seeing their dearly departed pet stuffed and staring at you over the fireplace – HEEBIE-JEEBIE CITY, if you ask me. All in all, the quickie is gloomy, but ultimately chilling in nature, and is most definitely worth a watch, and if I might use a quote from one of my favorite films to apply to this subject matter: “Sometimes…dead is better.”

  • Film
3.5

Summary

Ultimately chilling in nature!

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User Rating 3.29 (7 votes)
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DIS Review – Not for the Faint of Heart!

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Starring Bill Oberst, Jr., Lori Jo Hendrix, Peter Gonzales Falcon

Directed by Adrian Corona


I’ve made this claim many a time on this website before, and in the company of film friends as well: Bill Oberst Jr. is one of those actors that can literally be thrust into ANY role, and deliver a performance with so much harnessed electricity that you couldn’t believe that it was possible. I was the lucky recipient chosen to get a look at his latest project, titled DIS, and I think that I can honestly say – this is the stuff that nightmares are constructed of.

Directed by Adrian Corona, this 60-minute dive into the black depths of hell, and in actuality DIS is located between circles # 6 and 9 in Dante’s Divine Comedy, and trust me when I tell you – there’s not a shred of comedic relief in this demented presentation. Oberst Jr plays an ex-soldier named Ariel, and his seemingly harmless jaunt through the woods will become anything but that, and judging from the film’s opening scenes, you are meant to feel as uncomfortable about this watch as any you might have checked out in recent memory.

Perversion is the norm here, and lord help you if you’re caught where you shouldn’t be…my skin’s crawling just thinking about what I saw. Ariel’s travels are basically dialogue-free, but it only adds to the infinite levels of creepiness – you can tell he’s being stalked, and the distance between he and the horrors that await are closing in rather quickly.

Visually by itself, this hour-long chiller can sell tickets without any assistance – hollowed-out buildings and long sweeping shots of a silent forest give the movie that look of complete desolation. Sliced up into three acts, the film wastes no time in setting up the story of a killer needing fresh blood to appease his Mandrake garden – seriously guys, I can’t type as much flashy stuff as there needs to be in order to describe this innately disturbing production.

If you’re one of those types who tends to shy away from the graphic side of things, then I’d HIGHLY advise you to keep your TV tuned to the Hallmark Channel for some holiday entertainment, because this one registers high on the “I can’t believe someone thought of this” meter. So the quick recap is this: Oberst Jr in a standout performance, visual excellence, and an unshakable sense of debasement on a cellular level – keep the kiddies out of the living room with this one. Corona should be lauded (or locked up – just kidding) for his work on this one – HIGHLY recommended, and one that I’ll throw down as a top 5 for me in 2017.

  • Film
4.5

Summary

Director Corona should be lauded (or locked up – just kidding) for his work on this one – HIGHLY recommended!

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User Rating 2.92 (12 votes)
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Todd And The Book Of Pure Evil: The End Of The End Review – A Heavy Metal Massacre In Cartoon Form

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Starring Alex House, Bill Turnbull, Maggie Castle, Melanie Leishman, Chris Leavins, Jason Mewes

Directed by Richard Duhaney and Craig David Wallace


“Todd And The Book Of Pure Evil” – Canadian television’s greatest blend of Evil Dead, Superbad and Deathgasm? Yes. That answer is yes. For two face-melting seasons, Todd “protected” Crowley High from episodic villains who were bested by metal riffs, stoner logic and hormonal companionship. Musical interruptions showcased stage theatrics like Sondheim meets pubescent Steel Panther and high school tropes manifested into vile, teen-hungry beasts. It was like a coming-of-age story got stuck between Fangoria pages – all the awkwardness with 100x more guts.

That – for worse – was until Todd fell to a premature cancellation after Season 2’s clone-club cliffhanger. Indiegogo became the show’s only way to deliver a feature-length finale, except to reduce costs and ensure completion, the project would have to be in cartoon form. Todd And The Book Of Pure Evil: The End Of The End suggests an animated curtain call for this otherwise live-action production, and from a fan’s perspective, familiar maturation follies befall our favorite bloodsoaked friend group. But for new viewers? Start with the far-superior original show – you’ll be lost, underwhelmed and baffled otherwise.

Alex House retains his characterization of Todd Smith (in voice only). At this point, Todd has thwarted the book’s apocalyptic plan, Hannah (Melanie Leishman) has died, longtime crush Jenny (Maggie Castle) isn’t as horny for Todd anymore, and best friend Curtis (Bill Turnbull) has sworn Todd’s name to Hell (since Hannah was his girlfriend). Guidance Counselor Atticus Murphy Jr. (Chris Leavins) is now Janitor Atticus Murphy Jr. because Janitor Jimmy (Jason Mewes) is now Counselor Jimmy, yet Crowley High finds itself plagued by the same satanic uprisings despite these new changes. Why is evil still thriving! How is Hannah back in class! Who is the new “Pure Evil One” now that Todd has denied the book! Welcome to the end, friends – or is it a new beginning?

At just north of 80 minutes, structure runs a bit jagged. We’re used to Todd battling one baddie over a half-hour block – backstory given time to breathe – but in The End Of The End, two mini-boss cretins play second fifth-fiddle to the film’s big-bad monster (well, monsters – but you’ll see). A double-dose of high school killers followed by a larger, more important battle with the gang’s fate hanging in the balance. Not a problem, it’s just that more length is spent singing songs about Todd’s non-functioning schlong and salvaging relationships from the S2 finale. Exposition (what little there is) chews into necessary aggression time – fans left ravenous for more versatile carnage, underwhelmed by the umpteenth cartoon erection gag. Did I mention there’s a lot of boner material, yet?

These two mini “chapters” – “No Vest For The Wicked” (yarn demon)/”Zits Alors” (acid acne) – never come close to rivaling Hannah Williams’ doppelganger bombshell (“Songs About Boners”/”This Is The End Of The End Of the End”). Hannah [X]. Williams waking up in a room full of other Hannahs, emerging from some sleep-pod chamber; Todd’s gang facing off against this new “chosen one” in a way that erases “Sack Boy” and “Pizza Face” from memory. The End Of The End dashes dildoes-swinging into the show’s biggest mystery while dropping call-backs and bodies with equal speed – maybe too hastily for some.

Now, about the whole pivot to animation – a smooth rendering of Crowley High and all its mayhem, but never representative of Todd And The Book Of Pure Evil‘s very Ash Vs. Evil Dead vibe. All the practical death effects (gigantic man-eating cakes, zombie rockstars) are lost to one-dimensional drawings, notable chemistry between cast members replaced by edited recordings lacking signature wits. This isn’t Metalocalypse, where dismemberment and bloodshed are gruesome on levels that outshine even live-action horror flicks. There’s no denying some of the magic is missing without Chris Leavins’ “creepy uncle” overacting (a Will Forte breed) or the book’s living incarnations of evil. Todd And The Book Of Pure Evil: The End Of The End plays hooded minion to Todd And The Book Of Pure Evil’s dark ruler – less powerful, a bit duncier, but still part of the coolest cult around. Just try not to think about how much radness is missing inside hand-traced Crowley High?

It’s hard not to strike comparisons between “reality” and ‘toon, because as noted above, live actors are sorely missed in a plethora of situations. Be they musical numbers, heretic slayings, Todd and Curtis’ constant references to wanking, wangs or other pelvic nods (no, for real, like every other sentence) – human reactions no longer temper such aggressive, self-gratifying cocksmanship. It doesn’t help that songs never reach the memorable level of “Horny Like The Devil,” but the likes of House, Leishman, Turnbull and Castle were masters of selling schlock, shock and Satan’s asshole of situations. Instead, lines now land flat like – for example – Leavins’ lessened ability to turn pervy, stalkerish quips into hilarious underage stranger-dangers. Again, it’s not Metalocalypse – and without that kind of designer depth, a wall prevents inter-dimensional immersion into Todd’s extracurricular madness.

If this review sounds over-negative, fret not – it’s merely wishes of what could have been. None of this is to say Todd And The Book Of Pure Evil: The End Of The End should be skipped. When you’re already known for masterstrokes of ballbusting immaturity, metal-horned malevolence and vicious teen-angst creature vanquishing, expectations are going to be sky high. Directors Richard Duhaney and Craig David Wallace successfully service fans with a smile, ensuring that rivers of red scribbled blood spurt from decapitated school children just like we’re used to. It’s just, I mean – ugh, sorry, I just have to say it one more time. BY DIMEBAG’S BEARD, this would have been an epic live-action flick. As is? Still one fine-with-a-capital-F-YEAH return to Crowley High for the faithful who’ve been waiting some 5-or-so years in a Todd-less purgatory.

  • Film
3.0

Summary

Todd And The Book Of Pure Evil: The End Of The End brings closure to hungry fans in all the ways they’d hope – albeit turned down a notch through animation. Over-the-top kills and headbanging metal riffs still reign supreme, they’re just drawn by hand instead of oozing practical effects this time.

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User Rating 3.27 (11 votes)
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