Psycho Weene (2006)

Psycho Weene (click for larger image)Starring David Heavener, Hillary Crouse

Written and Directed by David Heavener

Have you ever tried to read the alphabet? Yeah, I mean the ABC’s … Have you ever tried to read all twenty-six letters in order from A to Z? A certain seven-foot tall yellow bird attempted it once, and as I recall, all he came up with was a lengthy amalgamation of nonsensical syllables. Then he somehow managed to put the whole mess to music in an effort to entertain an audience.

Psycho Weene is David Heavener’s cinematic version of such an undertaking with a few discrepancies. There are no characters as engaging as the vertically blessed, feathery fellow, the tune is nowhere near as catchy, and Psycho Weene has far less entertainment value than a giant yellow Muppet who sees imaginary mammoths.

Well, just as my old pal with the long striped legs had his friends from down the street to set him straight, Mr. Heavener has someone to tell him what’s up too. That person would be me. Yes, I will take the place of the happy, bald black man in this scenario to ensure that Psycho Weene ends up in the most suitable place on my block … and that would be the bottom of a dumpster. Because the cranky green guy in the can doesn’t even want this garbage!

The film begins as a music video (I told you there was a tune, didn’t I?) that goes from bad to wretched and beyond. It then heads into the abyss (I mean the movie) where we find a couple in bed together. The man goes into the bathroom, where he is (I’m assuming) taken over by demons in such a terrible fashion that his eyes are transformed into glowing red beacons of horrifyingly bad digital shit. A sick feeling rises in my gut …This is gonna be bad.

Now the woman wakes up and wanders through the house in her skivvies, smiling at everything in sight. She is merely looking for her partner, and already I am being consumed with an overwhelming urge to slap her upside the head. This isn’t looking good. Not good at all.

She ventures forth, inspecting the house and looking through cupboards, one of which doubles as a small pharmacy. You soon realize that she must be a stranger to the dwelling. After leafing through a book of bible stories she heads off once again in search of the man she spent the night with. He is in the shower so she decides to join him, only to have his lifeless body flop out on top of hers.

The story has been set in motion and nothing can stop it — believe me I thought about it — but my sense of duty as a critic prevented me from doing so. But I digress, much like this movie does with ridiculous interludes containing snippets of the music video from the beginning of the film. They have no purpose for existing other than to cause displeasure to the viewers.

Annoyed yet?

Oh, no you’re not. Not yet!

Anyway, the woman is now traumatized and desperately tries to flee the home. Alas, she finds herself trapped in a house with mystically locked doors and boarded windows! Oh dear! What’s a dingy blonde to do? How about run around in her bra and panties for the rest of a film that dreadfully overstays its welcome? You go, girl! Flaunt that saggy “Mom Butt” with pride! I know I do!

By now we’ve found out that the man’s name is Adam and the woman’s name is Eve. So, we have Adam and Eve and a few biblical references. Catching a theme yet? Yeah, that’s sad because this movie has no theme, no point, and no reason to exist except to stroke the bulging ego of one seriously deluded director.

Eve is now tormented by voices, demons, and her lover from the previous evening. Adam, who has now been transformed into some sort of cross-dressing demonic freak with a bad underbite and a phallus that would make John Holmes hang his head in shame. When she finally sees what he has begun to change into, she is horrified; yet, still the two pledge their undying love to one another. Now wait. I thought they had just met!?!

All the while we are made aware that children are outside trick-or-treating. Now back to the sorry ass video.

I told you there was no theme!

Poor Eve had found a video camera and had begun to use it earlier to document her emotions throughout her ordeal. First she begs the camera for help as if the person who might find the tape will have access to some sort of time machine that will enable him to go back in time to help her. Then she confesses to her parents that she did something terrible when she was a teenager, and oddly enough she was wearing the same panty set in the flashback. Listen, honey, if you haven’t changed your undies in 10 years, you have worse problems than being stuck in some guy’s house!

The now tortured woman begins to slip into madness. She’s slacking, because I lost my mind within the first twenty minutes of this cinematic train wreck! Armed with her camera and lace lingerie, Eve is forced to endure further suffering until the heavenly climax of the film. Heavenly only because I thought I saw God when the end credits started to roll across the screen! Then I really saw God, and I laughed out loud.

Honestly, I would give away the ending of the film if I could form what I saw into words. I’ve told you what I can of one storyline. Yes, it makes me shudder in terror that there was even more happening than the ludicrous story of Adam and Eve. There were, of course, the idiotic music video and the trick-or-treaters, but there were also the interruptive intermissions from Adam/the director himself. Yes, here is the man responsible for draining me of my very will to live intermittently making fun of his own movie! I actually couldn’t help but laugh at the first couple of these segments because they were funny as hell, but then they became irritating when the horse was already being used to stick construction paper together in grade schools across the country and he was still trying to make it gallop!

So if this dumb-ass is willing to ridicule his own film, why should I bother? Simple! I want to save as many of you as I can from the damnation this movie heralds. Audience members run the risk of starting out with the brainpower to qualify for MENSA and come out of this film with the mental capacity of an inbred opossum.

No special features were available on the screener DVD … Thankfully!

I have to give Psycho Weene one knife because the movie made me laugh out loud on more than one occasion and caused my husband to look up from his reading long enough to say that it was the worst movie he ever refused to watch.

1 out of 5

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Jon Condit

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