Directed by Stacy Title
Paraphrasing Snoop Dogg’s “Ain’t No Fun (If the Homies Can’t Have None)”:
When I saw your movie last night Snoop-y
Before I saw this piece of crap
I had respect for ya Snoop Dogg
But now I take it all back
Cuz you showed me your bad movie
And it even licked big balls
Leave my admission price on the cabinet
Hood of Horror is no good at all
Now, some might criticize me for not enjoying Hood of Horror in the spirit in which it was made, so let me fill you in on what I was expecting. I’m a huge fan of anthology horror films. Creepshow, Two Evil Eyes, Three Extremes, “Tales from the Crypt”, hell, I even dig the hell out of Creepshow 2. So when I heard that Snoop Dogg was going to be the Cribkeeper in a hip-hop horror anthology co-written by Tim Sullivan (whose 2001 Maniacs remake I enjoyed), I figured the film would push the boundaries of good taste and serve up hellacious amounts of nudity and gore. The sad truth is that the film isn’t all that gory, and while I think I may have glimpsed one nipple, I can’t be sure. Frankly, the film is inexcusably boring, which is about the last thing I was expecting.
HoH starts off promisingly enough with an anime style intro that depicts the genesis of the Cribkeeper (Snoop Dogg). The live action commences with Snoop introducing the first of the three tales about a young graffiti artist named Posie (Daniella Alonso) who wants revenge on the gangbangers that killed her Mom. A ghetto demon (Danny Trejo) grants Posie her wish by tattooing her tagging arm with demonic runes, giving her the ability to spraypaint her enemies out of existence. The one good gore scene of the entire movie occurs shortly thereafter when a gangbanger victim of Posie’s slips and falls on a forty of beer, impaling his face on the bottle.
The second short of the anthology tells the story of a spoiled rich party-boy redneck named Tex (Anson Mount) and his bubble gum wife named Tiffany (Brande Roderick doing a pretty funny Paris Hilton impression, micro-dog and all). Tex can’t collect his inheritance unless he spends a year living with his dearly departed Dad’s old Vietnam platoon buddies. The aging platoon are living out their golden years together, supporting each other and avoiding the rest home. Suffice it to say that Tex and Tiffany mistreat the old vets and get their comeuppance by being force fed caviar (she’s a spoiled rich girl, get it?), and impaled on a set of bull horns (he’s a Cadillac driving redneck, get it?). About the only positive thing I can say about this episode was that Ernie Hudson (Ghostbusters) has aged quite well. Like Dick Clark freeze-dried well. Spooky.
The final episode tells the story of Sod (Pooch Hall), an up-and-coming rapper who kills his partner because he wants to go solo. One night after a little too much Cristal, Sod is visited in his champagne-soaked purgatory by Clara (Lin Shaye), the Ghost of Hip-Hop Past. Clara forces Sod to revisit his sordid rise to superstardom and finally face his zombified ex-partner. Notable only for “Seinfeld”’s Jason Alexander doing his best “I’m a badass” impression in yet another futile attempt to break out of his George Costanza typecasting hell.
Is it just me, or are these plot synopses boring as hell? Death by spraypaint, a bunch of old guys with guns, and a zombie rapper back for revenge? Oh, did I mention that the movie ends with a rap video recap to pad the running time? If the thought of a hip-hop horror movie written by a bunch of white guys appeals to you or you just want to see Lando Calrissian on the big screen one more time, then you might find a thing or two to enjoy in Snoop Dogg’s Hood of Horror. Otherwise, steer clear. It’s like everyone involved with this movie threw their hands up in the air and waved ‘em around like they just didn’t care…
1 out of 5
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