Frostbiten (2006)

Frostbiten reviewStarring Petra Nielsen, Grete Havneskold, Emma Aberg, Jonas Karlstrom, Mans Nathanaelson

Directed by Anders Banke

Hold up everyone… stay quiet a sec… hang on… it’s… yup! It’s Captain Generic on the line!

This is a vampire movie. Want me to explain further? Didn’t think so. You know what vampires are, what they do, what they crave, etc. The angle here is that it’s set in snowy Sweden, where there’s an annual taste of eternal darkness due to earth curvature and sun angles and so forth. Unfortunately these dully factual terrestrial things are infinitely more interesting than what happens in this film.

Frostbiten is a pure made-for-TV movie approach with a schlocky 80’s style. Teens, cops, vampires, snow… that’s the movie in a nutshell. No gore or tits or shocks or anything much worth sharing with like-minded genre fiends after the screening is over. Although there is a death-by-garden-gnome scene that’s kind of funny (the scene in question is one of the film’s lil’ gnome secrets).

Other that that, Frostbiten is a strictly generic, hired-gun piece of cinematic execution. It was passable on a technical level although the editing was suspect – there were scenes that felt like they were cut by tossing the film randomly into a guillotine.

Here’s my advice: If you think the visual concept of alien beings has been revolutionarily explored by the makeup FX of “Star Trek Deep Space 9″, see this flick. If you think R. L. Stine is pushing the hardest of the hardcore in the horror genre, get a ticket for this movie. If you think it’s funky cool and artistically dangerous that Justin Timberlake took a “dark” direction in his latest music video, remove the psychological cushions that keep your world in balance and brace yourself for this visionary vampire film!

However, if you’re over the age of 12, don’t waste your time. This is a dull, wimpy, and forgettable entry in the vampire genre.

I’d give it 1 knife, the extra ½ is there strictly because this would probably captivate a young audience. If you’re stuck babysitting on Halloween this might get you about 90 minutes of peace…

1 1/2 out of 5

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