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BloodRayne (2006)

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Starring Kristanna Loken, Ben Kingsley, Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Meat Loaf, Udo Kier, Billy Zane

Directed by Uwe Boll


An awesome looking movie about a bad ass vampiress in a sexy black outfit that uses her vampiric skills and a variety of weapons to battle and destroy an evil vampire lord bent on vampiric domination of the world and in between battles she even finds the time for some hot and sweaty sex. But enough about my thoughts on the Underworld: Evolution trailer, I’m here to review BloodRayne.

You know you’ve got a problem when there’s a trailer for a similarly themed movie before the movie you’re about to watch and when the movie is over all you can think is that the trailer you saw before the movie is what the movie you just watched should have been. I have never played the video game BloodRayne but am familiar with the character and know enough about it to know that this whole 18th Century origin film that Uwe Boll and screenwriter Guinevere (American Psycho) Turner have concocted is precisely the wrong approach to have taken for a movie version, and I know I’m not the only one that feels that way. A co-worker of mine is a big time gamer and one of her favorite games just happens to be BloodRayne. When I informed her a few months back that a movie was coming out soon she was ecstatic. Mind you, she doesn’t follow films like some of us do. She knows nothing of House of the Dead or Alone in the Dark. If you said the name Uwe Boll to her she’d probably think you were talking about a piece of German Tupperware. She had no expectations other than giddy excitement at the prospect of seeing one of her favorite video game characters being brought to life on film. Then I showed her the trailer for the film and instantly declared that he had “ruined it”. Uwe Boll with BloodRayne, Roland Emmerich with Godzilla… what is it about German genre directors that leads them to make movies based on popular characters so wrongheaded they only succeed in pissing off the target fan base?

It’s after watching BloodRayne that I think I have finally figured out, and mind you this is purely theory on my part, where Boll keeps going wrong. As much as many people like to proclaim him an idiot, he’s clearly quite an intelligent person and a shrewd businessman. But from everything I’ve read of his and listening to the audio commentaries on the DVDs of House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark I get the impression that Boll is one of those people that gets an idea in his head and becomes so fixated on what a great idea it is that nobody can talk him out of it, and considering that Boll operates outside of the studio system and pretty much has creative control over his films, there is no counterbalance to tell him otherwise. The biggest problem with the Hollywood studio system is that most of the people in charge often squelch creative vision in favor of what they think the audience wants through endless marketing research, polling, etc. to the point of making almost consistently banal productions that when they suck they do so in roughly the same sort of manufactured manner. Still, there are talented producers and other creative forces behind the scenes in the development process that help focus the filmmaker’s vision and sometimes even have to tell them when something they want to do won’t work. The best filmmakers know how to balance the expectations of the audience with their vision of the movie they want to make.

This is what seems to be what’s missing in the world of Boll. It’s entirely about his vision and source material, fans of the source material, and naysayers be damned. House of the Dead had virtually nothing to do with the game it was based on outside of people with guns shooting zombies. Granted, there wasn’t much more to it than that, but still. Other than a few names and concepts, Alone in the Dark had nothing in common with the video game it was based on, or even basic human logic for that matter. Now we have an unimaginative BloodRayne origin film that fails to capture what it is about the game or its title character that made it popular enough for him to want to buy the film rights and turn it into a motion picture to begin with. This is not the film that fans of the game wanted to see. I’ve never played the game and even I can say that this isn’t the take on the character I would have preferred to see. Boll has said in interviews that he’d like to do a sequel set in the Wild West. Dude, that’s not the BloodRayne movie anybody is clamoring for, either. Now he’s claiming in interviews that Konami is talking to him about making a Metal Gear Solid movie. I don’t know if that’s true or not but I’ll just go ahead and tell him right now that nobody is interested in seeing an origin film about Snake going through the training academy. Most view Boll as a hack; I see him as an undisciplined filmmaker in desperate need of that person or persons to serve as a counterbalance when his misguided enthusiasm supersedes practicality.

Of course, everything I’ve just wrote would be moot if BloodRayne had turned out to be a good movie. It isn’t. It’s essentially a feature length version of what could have been told in a five-minute flashback sequence during a real BloodRayne movie. Contrary to what many online critics have said, BloodRayne isn’t so much a bad film (at least until the awful third act which I will unleash my wrath upon shortly) as it is a very pedestrian one that comes to life for fleeting moments but rarely rises above the quality of your average Sci-Fi Channel production. You’ll find a more interesting story, a more compelling heroine, a more sinister villain, and more exciting action scenes in any random episode of “Xena, Warrior Princess” than you will here.

Rayne is a dhampyr, a half-human/half-vampire conceived when the evil vampire lord Kagan raped her mother. Years later, he finds out a child was born from their unholy union and sets out to kill it because normal vampires are extremely fearful of such offspring for reasons that are rather vague just like much of the reasoning and explanations for things throughout the film. She watches on from a hiding place as an angry Kagan slaughters her mom, and then as best I can figure, Kagan just gave up on finding and slaughtering this girl for about fifteen or so years. Little Rayne suddenly grows up into uber babe Kristanna Loken and gets captured by some circus folks that put her on display as part of their traveling geek show. Why she takes so long to escape is anyone’s guess but she finally does, unlocks some repressed memories of her mom’s murder, and begins slaying every vampire she crosses. After an encounter with an old gypsy fortune teller that helps her fill in a few more blanks, Rayne is hellbent on killing Kagan, but since getting to him in his dark palace is virtually impossible, the gypsy advises she seek out this mystical eye thingamajig that Kagan has been seeking for some time to draw him out. Along the way, Rayne aligns herself with a not-so-clandestine vampire hunting organization called Brimstone, the current leader of which seems to regard Rayne as being Neo to his Morpheus. All the while, Kagan sets out to destroy the Brimstone society, kill Rayne, and retrieve these mystical bodily organs that will make him lord and master over human and vampire kind alike or something along those lines. Well, actually, Kagan doesn’t do anything but sit on his throne and casually order his top henchmen to lead his legion of thralls to destroy the Brimstone society, kill Rayne, and retrieve the mystical bodily organs.

Aside from a surprisingly good action sequence involving a monstrous guard and a trap she has to get around, as well as the welcome appearance of Kristanna’s breasts during an awkwardly staged love scene that comes quite literally from out of nowhere, the only thing really noteworthy about the film is the weirdness of some of the performances. Poor Kristanna Loken does what she can in the title role but like every other character here, it’s a completely underwritten role and she’s never allowed to fully realize the attitude and molten sex appeal of the video game character. She has her moments but mostly just comes across as Kristanna Loken doing medieval fantasy cosplay. The primary members of Brimstone are composed of the grossly miscast yet perversely entertaining Michael Madsen as Brimstone’s current leader Vladimir, who looks and sounds like a character from Easy Rider that has been magically transported to 18th century Europe. He’s flanked by Michelle Rodriguez as her usual angry self playing the daughter of Brimstone’s founder that distrusts Rayne; a subplot that is poorly developed and culminates in an anticlimactic fashion. Plus, there’s a young scruffy guy and potential love interest for Rayne played by some guy I’ve never heard of but if there was a WB Network in 18th century Europe he’d be on it.

There’s an old saying about a hero only being as heroic as the villain they are opposing. If so then that’s another major strike against BloodRayne. On the villainous side is Ben Kingsley as Kagan, a vampire lord so all-encompassing powerful that he has nothing better to do than just sit on his throne looking bored out of his mind. Then there’s Meat Loaf, who turns up all too briefly looking like the unholy lovechild of David Lee Roth and “The American Dream” Dusty Rhodes in Amadeus attire. Meat Loaf is the only person in the whole damn movie that seems like they’re having any fun at all and his all too brief hammy performance (Do I dare coin the term “hameo”?) makes you wish he had been the villain instead of Gandhi’s blank stare. Billy Zane even pops up in the all but pointless role of the former leader of Brimstone and Michelle Rodriguez’s father (I’ll buy that for a dollar!) that got turned into a vampire himself and now lives in exile where he secretly schemes to dethrone Kagan and become the supreme vampire himself. Zane’s performance is just plain odd, but not nearly as odd as the inclusion of this character since he completely vanishes from the film after three brief appearances without any payoff for his subplot. Yet he, too, would have made for a more acceptable bad guy than the guy who probably cannot believe how big his paycheck was just for agreeing to sit in a chair and mutter a few lines of dialogue.

So let’s analyze that third act, shall we? And since Boll says his worst critics are wannabe filmmakers let me just say that what I’m about to write isn’t so much the analysis of a wannabe filmmaker as it is the perception of a guy who has watched enough movies (including many bad ones, and believe me when I tell you filmmakers can learn from watching the mistakes of others) and would like to think that if he ever did get the opportunity to make a movie he’d know better than to make the fundamental mistakes made here. Be warned: heavy spoilers ensue.

We’ve been told very early in the movie that getting to Kagan inside of his allegedly impenetrable fortress is virtually impossible. Unless you’re Rayne, in which case you can just knock on the front door and turn yourself in to be imprisoned, or if you’re the last surviving members of Brimstone, in which case you can blow up the front door and hope that Kagan’s thralls choose to capture you alive and not just slaughter you on the spot. Rayne finds herself in Kagan’s dungeon along with Vladimir and Sebastian while Kagan himself prepares for a ritualistic ceremony where that mystical eye will be removed from Rayne. See, she “absorbed it earlier” and he has to extract it in order to absorb it himself. Exactly how – psychically, surgically, spiritually – is never really explained.

It is here that Rayne declares that she may not be able to defeat Kagan but will fight him until the very end; her speech accompanied by an increasingly rousing score that seems to be indicating that this is the moment where Rayne has truly ascended to being the heroine popularized in the video games. By fight to the end she apparently meant allowed herself to be captured, imprisoned, tied to the ceremonial altar with little resistance other than hurling a few insults at Kagan as he plans to kill her. The only twist is that Kagan opens the box containing the heart, finds it empty, and realizes that she absorbed it just like the eye. I don’t know how this helps Rayne gain an advantage seeing as how she’s still strapped down helplessly for a ritual that’s designed to remove the eye and kill her in the process and it only figures he could just as easily remove the heart while he’s at it. Fortunately, the Brimstone guys have managed to escape the dungeon using a ruse so astoundingly moronic that they actually had to include a line of dialogue marveling about how the guard could be so retarded as to fall for it. They come rushing to the rescue just as our heroine is about to be killed by the villain. Much bloody warfare ensues culminating in Rayne squaring off with Kagan in a sword fight so routine it made me long for the one from the conclusion of House of the Dead. And then it happens: Kagan dominates and is clearly mere seconds from slaying Rayne for the second time when the mortally wounded Brimstone guys spring back to life just long enough to save Rayne from certain death… again! Only then does Rayne manage to turn the tables on Kagan and destroy him.

Okay, a question for anyone out there that has played the BloodRayne video games; does the final boss battle at the end of the game normally involve Rayne getting her ass handed to her and require supporting characters to intervene on her behalf more than once? What happens here is just fundamentally bad storytelling on an unbelievable scale. Why the hell is the badass vampiress getting her ass kicked to such a degree that the only reason she doesn’t get killed on more than one occasion is because of help from supporting characters? This is supposed to be the moment where the character truly comes to be, but instead she only comes across as weakling that needs rescuing. What Boll and Turner have done to BloodRayne is the equivalent of the climax of The Karate Kid, the moment where Daniel finally overcomes the odds and shows up the Cobra Kai bullies by winning the tournament, showing Daniel only being able to get the win over Johnny after Mr. Miyagi runs out onto the mat in the middle of a round and whacking Johnny across the back of the head with a 2×4 more than once. This is an action movie where the action hero is treated as second rate to the villain, made even worse by the fact that she’s battling a third rate villain to begin with. Basic Action Filmmaking 101 – you failed.

But the biggest and most unforgivable flaw is that BloodRayne is almost entirely humorless, at least of the intentional kind. I recall a previous interview with Boll where he talked about being influenced heavily by Brotherhood of the Wolf when crafting this film. This isn’t Brotherhood of the Wolf. It’s the tale of a badass, sword-wielding, hotter than hell vampiric superheroine who likes spilling blood even more than drinking it. Where’s the fun? Boll spills plenty of blood; every sword strike seemingly causes an eruption of red liquid, and he isn’t above tossing in some gratuitous nudity either; yet, the movie never comes close to being good enough to be taken seriously. By refusing to revel in its B-movie elements it only manages to burn itself at two ends failing to be either a genuinely compelling film or trashy fun. No, this is not Brotherhood of the Wolf. Hell, it’s not even Deathstalker. It’s Barbarian Queen on lithium.

2 out of 5

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Through the Cracks – Trick or Treat (1986) Review

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Starring Marc Price, Tony Fields, Lisa Orgolini, Glen Morgan, Gene Simmons, and Ozzy Osbourne

Directed by Charles Martin Smith


I have been a horror fan for more than half of my life at this point. Meaning I have seen most of the quality horror offerings under the sun. But that said, every once in awhile a classic sneaks past so we wanted to create this “Through the Cracks” review section for such films.

Case in point, I had never seen the Halloween horror flick Trick or Treat until last night. I know, right? How the hell did that happen? But these things do happen and so for everyone that has seen the flick a million times, this will be a review of the movie from a super horror fan that – at the age of 33 – is seeing Trick or Treat for the very first time.

Now let’s get to it.

First off you have to love the movie’s plot. Mixing horror and heavy metal seems like a given, yet preciously few films Frankenstein these two great tastes together.

Like many of you out there, I am a big metal fan as well as a big horror fan. The two seem to go together like chocolate and peanut butter. Or Jason and horny campers.

I dig bands like Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, and even those hair metal bands (Dokken forever!) and I’m well aware of the legends surrounding playing these records backward.

Off the top of my head, the only other flick that combines the two to this degree is the (relatively) recent horror-comedy Deathgasm. I say more horror-metal flicks! Or should we call it Metal-Horror? Yeah, that’s a much more metal title.

It only makes sense that someone, somewhere would take the idea of “What if Ozzy Osbourne really was evil and came back from the dead (you know, if he had passed away during his heyday) to torment a loner fan?” Great premise for a movie!

And Trick or Treat delivers on the promise of this premise in spades. Sammi Curr is an epic hybrid of the best of the best metal frontmen and his resurrection via speaker is one of the great horror birthing scenes I have seen in all my years.

Add to that the film feels like a lost entry in the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. More specifically the film feels like it would fit snugly in between two of my favorite entries in that series, Dream Warriors and The Dream Master.

This movie is 80’s as all f*ck and I loved every minute of it.

And speaking of how this film brought other minor classics to the forefront of my brain, let’s talk about the film’s central villain, Sammi Curr. This guy looks like he could share an epic horror band with the likes of Mary Lou from Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II and the Drill Killer rocker from Slumber Party Massacre Part II.

Picture that band for a moment and tell me they aren’t currently playing the most epic set in Hell as we speak. I say let’s see an Avengers-style series of films based on these minor horror icons sharing the stage and touring the country’s high school proms!

In the end Trick or Treat has more than it’s fair share of issues. Sammi Curr doesn’t enter the film until much too late and is dispatched way too easily. Water? Really? That’s it?

That said, the film is still a blast as director Charles Martin Smith keeps the movie rocking like an 80’s music video with highlights being Sammi’s rock show massacre at the prom and his final assault on our hero teens in the family bathroom.

Rockstar lighting for days.

Even though the film has issues (zero blood, a rushed ending) none of that mattered much to this horror hound as the film was filled to the brim with striking horror/metal imagery and a killer soundtrack via Fastway and composer Christopher Young.

Plus you’ve got to love the cameos by Gene Simmons (boy, his character just dropped right out of the movie, huh?) and Ozzy Osbourne as a mad-as-hell Preacher that isn’t going to take any more of this devil music. P.S. Watch for the post-credits tag.

More than a few of my closest horror buddies have this film placed high on their annual Halloween must-watch lists. And after (finally) viewing the film for myself, I think I just may have to add the film to mine as well. Preferably on VHS.

Trick or Treat is an 80’s horror classic. If you dig films like Popcornand if you put the film off like I did, remedy that tonight and slap a copy in the old VHS/DVD player.

Just don’t play it backward… God knows what could happen.

All said and done, I enjoyed the hell out of my first viewing of Trick or Treat. But what do YOU think of the film? Make sure to hit us up and let us know below or on social media!

Now bring on Trick or Treat 2: The Prom Band from Hell, featuring Sammi Curr, Mary Lou Maloney, and Atanas Ilitch’s Driller Killer from Slumber Party Massacre Part II!

  • Trick or Treat (1986) 3.5
3.5

Summary

Charles Martin Smith’s Trick or Treat is a sure-fire Halloween treat for fans of 80’s horror flicks, as well as fans of heavy metal music.

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User Rating 3.59 (22 votes)
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AHS: Cult Review – Clowns, Cults, Politics, and Peters

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Starring Evan Peters, Sarah Paulson, Billie Lourd, Cheyenne Jackson, Frances Conroy, Mare Winningham, and Allison Pill

Created by Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk


** NO SPOILERS **

It’s here. We’ve reached the end. The newest season of “American Horror Story” has ended and now we are here to provide you guys with our season review of AHS: Cult.

Spoiler free.

To start things off let me say I’m not the world’s biggest fan of “American Horror Story”. It breaks down like this: I enjoyed the absolute hell out of the first season of the series (“Murder House”), couldn’t get through “Asylum” (I know, I know, I’ve tried), dug “Coven” for what it was, really enjoyed “Freak Show”, and again I couldn’t get into “Hotel” or “Roanoke”.

That’s the story of me and “American Horror Story”. Plain And simple. But what did I think of the new seventh season of the notorious horror anthology series? Let’s find out.

Back when the seventh season of AHS was first announced (then going by the title “AHS: Election”) I was immediately intrigued by the new season because I heard it would not include any supernatural elements. Like the fourth season, “Freak Show”.

Now I’m a fan of ghosts and weird creature-men with drills for d*cks, don’t get me wrong. But the series has thus far relied almost exclusively on horrors of the supernatural variety (other than “Freak Show”) so this major change of pace was again welcomed by this guy.

Instead of vampires, aliens, and witches this season relied on terrors of the mind. Psychological fears and anxieties. The horrors man does to man. Deep issues.

Oh, and clowns. Like a lot of clowns.

But just because this new season didn’t include anything supernatural, that doesn’t mean the 11-episode season wasn’t filled with twisted visuals and horrifically disturbing acts. No, sir. This season boasted some showstoppers including S&M, gimps, and a house of horrors that wouldn’t be out of place in a Rob Zombie flick. It was all good.

But let’s backtrack a bit here.

Allow me to rundown the season’s plot for those who may be unaware. “AHS: Cult” tells the tale of a world post-election night. The literal dawn of Trump’s America. In one corner we have Sarah Paulson’s soccer mom, trying to fight through life with a series of crippling phobias (including clowns, holes, blood, and being a good person).

And in the other corner, we have Evan Peter’s angry, white (blue-haired) male, looking to seize Trump’s new position of power to bring about the end of… Actually, I want this to be a spoiler-free season review, so I’m just going to say the dude’s got big plans.

Like Manson-size plans. Let’s leave it at that.

With these two characters established, the new season then proceeds to send them spiraling into a collision course of political sabotage, intrigue, and clown-based nope, nope, nope-ing that can only end with one – or both – of them dead as Dillinger.

Overall “AHS: Cult” belonged end-to-end to Mr. Evan Peters. The young actor has continued to show his striking range from season to season of Ryan Murphy’s horror show and this season was no different. Peters’ turn as not only Kai, the blue-haired leader of the titular cult, but as infamous leaders such as David Koresh, Jim Jones, and Charles Manson – to name a few – owed this season.

I can only hope he doesn’t pull a Jessica Lange and opt-out of more AHS next year.

Speaking of top performances, “AHS: Cult ” showcases some other chilling and memorable turns with Alison Pill’s strangely vulnerable, put-upon wife character being the best next to Peters in my eyes. This actress needs to be in more films/TV!

Along with Pill, actress Billie Lourd killed it time and time again. The “Scream Queens” breakout star and Carrie Fisher spawn was yet again a highlight in her second Ryan Murphy series. Bet she has the starring role in next season. Mark my words.

Add to that, the season also boasts a handful of fun cameos, including John Carroll Lynch’s return as Twisty the Clown, Emma Roberts as a bitchy reporter that will do anything to end up on top, and Lena Dunham as SCUM Manifesto writer Valerie Solanas. The cameo cast killed it and I wish they would have been present for more episodes. What are you gonna do?

On the sour side of the season, I didn’t dig Sarah Paulson’s character. At all. But I’m sure that was the point. Right? I’m still not sure. But, boy, I wouldn’t even want to be stuck in line behind her at a Starbucks for three minutes, let alone spend the better part of this season’s 11-hours with her and her whiny bullshite. Urgh.

That said, she pulled it out by the finale. That’s all I’ll say.

In the end, I enjoyed this season as much as – if not more – than any other of the series. “Murder House” will still no doubt go on as my favorite season of the series, but “AHS: Cult” will rank third after season one and “Freak Show”.

While I was on the fence about the season after three episodes, the show ended up ditching Paulson’s character (and/or shifting her arch) after a lull so the episodes picked up quickly. Whenever the season turned its focus back towards Peters (in whichever incarnation he was playing at the time) the show got better and better. Every time.

Not a bad way to spend my Tuesday night for the past 11 weeks.

Bring on season 12.

  • American Horror Story: Cult (2018)
3.5

Summary

The seventh season of Ryan Murphy’s American Horror Story was Evan Peters’ show all the way through. The young actor pulled out all the stops time and time again to make what may have been a lackluster supernatural-free season a winner.

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User Rating 4.13 (23 votes)
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The Axiom Review – A Stylish and Clever Slice of Independent Horror

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Starring Hattie Smith, Zac Titus, Nicole Dambro

Directed by Nicholas Woods


The Axiom is an ambitious, well directed, impressively acted and stunningly shot independent horror film that has just a few, teensy little flaws holding it back from greatness (and therefore will have to settle for just being really, really good, instead).

The first thing you realize when watching The Axiom is that this is a beautiful film. Everything is framed and shot in a lush and stylish manner, but one which is always tonally appropriate for the scene.

The second thing you’ll notice, and keep noticing as the film plays out, is that the movie really struck gold with this cast. Not only is there a total lack of the sort of stilted and unnatural acting seen in countless other microbudget horror affairs, but the performances are genuinely fantastic across the board. The main characters are believably chill and relatably normal in the early scenes, and the acting remains just as impressive once things start getting a bit more… intense. It’s not often that an independent horror film has so many good performances that it makes it hard to pick the movie’s acting VIP, but that is undeniably the case here. Taylor Flowers delivers what is probably the showiest performance (and does it very well, indeed), but the entire cast really is quite good.

The central premise of the film is both interesting and original, and touches upon the real life fact (given some recent attention in the ‘Missing 411’ books and documentary) that a lot more people sure seem to go missing out in the woods than seems reasonable, while simultaneously weaving all sorts of folklore, fairy tales and urban legends into the mix. It’s also clever in the way that it very naturally reveals aspects to the relationships between characters that serve to later – or sometimes retroactively – explain some of the more questionable decisions they make or attitudes they display. While that may sound like screenwriting 101, it’s surprising how many films fail to do this. The Axiom rewards the viewer’s attention in other ways as well, with many aspects of the movie that initially feel odd or unnatural receiving reasonable explanations (within the context of the movie) by the end. It’s not quite as challenging (or as rewarding) in this regard as, say, something like Session 9, but it does add a nice layer of complexity to the storytelling.

The film’s score, by Leo Kaliski, is also quite good. There may be a moment here or there where the music hits an overly familiar beat, but overall it not only fits the movie’s tone, but does quite a bit to help set that tone as well.

The only thing that I don’t feel the movie quite pulls off – and I’m trying to be vague here, because I feel like the less you know going into this film, the better – is some of the makeup effects work. The gore stuff is very well executed, but some of the other stuff feels like it was crafted with the intention of shooting it in a more… stylized manner. Instead, filmed as it is here, the result is sometimes less than impressive and can fail to make the impact that the movie seems to be implying that it should. And while some of what the makeup effects lack in execution is made up for with the ingenuity and creativity of their design, it’s still a bit of a shame when they don’t quite pull them off because, aside from a few niggles that I have with the writing, the effects are the only aspect of the film that occasionally fails to live up to the high level of technical proficiency that The Axiom otherwise demonstrates.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS:

  • Man, the acting in this movie is really good. The dialogue may stumble once or twice, but these actors always sell it anyway.
  • Give back Mia Sara’s DNA, Hattie Smith!
  • If you’re going to put your female lead in shorts this small, I hope you’re not sensitive to viewers unleashing a nonstop parade of “Has anyone seen my pants / OH GOD WHERE ARE MY PANTS!” jokes.
  • “You just pop this here ‘Blair Witch Stick Person / Anarchy sign’ sticker up on that there windshield of yours, and them park rangers? Well – heh heh – they won’t bother you none, no sir.” Hmmmmm…
  • The film really is shot amazingly well – better than a lot of mainstream releases. Cinematographer Sten Olson has a real future ahead of him.
  • As does writer / director Nicholas Woods, for that matter. Any director who can get this level of quality out of their cast and crew on their first ever film is someone to keep an eye on.
  • “I’ll make a run for it and get help,” says the female lead, and I’m like “Yeah, let her go – she has no pants to weigh her down.”
  • The gore effects in the movie are both realized and utilized very well.
  • Welcome back to horror movies, “I’ll be right back” dialogue spoken unironically by and/or to ill-fated characters.
  • The Axiom
4.0

Summary

In the end, The Axiom is a solid and entertaining flick that manages to wring a level of quality and originality out of the somewhat tired “Don’t Go in the Woods” horror subgenre not seen since 2012’s Cabin in the Woods. The cinematography and acting are hugely impressive, it features a nice, unnerving score, the premise is original and captivating, and the whole thing moves at a nice pace that helps keep the film’s flaws from dragging it down.

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User Rating 3.95 (20 votes)
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