Not Dead Enough (2005)

Starring Irene Frederick and Ray Ragenious

Written & Directed by Ray Ragenious

What Not Dead Enough‘s writer/director Ray Ragenious lacks in filmmaking skills he more than makes up for with his genius in the field of quantum physics. The timer on my DVD player indicated that the film had only lasted about 75 minutes but I’d swear it felt more like 75 years. Ragenious’ film acts like some sort of quantum void or wormhole or some other universal paradox where you enter into it and come out the other side at almost the exact same point in time and space but in between it feels like years, decades, eons have passed. I know the clock said it was only an hour and fifteen minutes but I assure you it was infinity. Not Dead Enough? Believe me; I’ve never seen a more lifeless film in my life.

Not Dead Enough opens on, as the on-screen graphic informs us, New Year’s Eve Day with an ex-con coming home to find his wife cheating on him. He goes mental and murders her. Before he can slaughter his infant daughter, a cop bursts in and so he commits suicide. Twenty years later, an old, obese woman named Irene moves into the house and immediately begins getting tormented by the vengeful spirit of the killer. Fruit is mysteriously smashed, knives are found sticking out of the wall, the sounds of a crying baby are heard, visions of a ghostly man in a convict jumpsuit clutching a severed mannequin head haunt her in the backyard, giant cutout letters forming vulgar taunts appear on the ceiling… Every attempt at horror fails in the most miserable manner possibly and no amount of loud soundtrack crashes can make you jump in your seat.

Tremble as the old lady gets a headache and experiences strange visions filmed in Headbanger’s Ball music video sepias and tones.

Can your heart stand the thrill of watching a fat woman struggle to get out of from under the giant plastic clothing baggie that the killer’s spirit has tried to suffocate her with.

Witness the horror of seeing the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra in a wig hanging from by a noose from the ceiling.

Gaze in horror as the killer’s spirit psychically stomps on women to keep them from standing up.

Not Dead Enough is sort of like The Entity only I was the one that was getting violated.

The worst part is that the film spends more time showing us Irene doing the most mundane things in the world, like putting up groceries and fridge magnets, instead of trying to scare us. Was Ragenious trying to make a minimalistic art flick out of this tripe or did he really think we wouldn’t become severely bored watching long drawn out scenes of a heavy set old lady doing common household chores?

And dialogue; there really isn’t much by way of dialogue, which is actually for the best since I’ve seen better acting in medic alert bracelet ads. What passes for acting here sounds like automatons reciting pre-programmed lines of dialogue, and no one is worse than the old lady playing Irene, who responds to being tormented by this unseen force by talking back to it with as much conviction in her voice as your grandmother asking you to please use a coaster when setting your drink down on the coffee table.

What passes for a plot boils down to being a battle of wills, so to speak, between Irene and the killer’s spirit, although the real battle of wills is going to be between the viewer and their ability to endure this boring ass film. About an hour in Irene tells the spirit, “This is really getting monotonous. I’m really getting bored with all these shenanigans.” Lady, imagine how I felt!

Was this supposed to be a horror movie, an art film, or something that was funded by the military to be used to torture Islamic radicals being held at Guantanamo Bay? It feels like a really bad student film that never should have seen the light of day outside of the Ragenious household and I suspect even his friends and family members wouldn’t hesitate to tell him his movie is beyond unwatchable.

For the life of me I cannot fathom what York Entertainment was thinking when they agreed to distribute this pathetic attempt at a film; one with absolutely no redeeming values whatsoever. Do they have no standards? And you cannot argue to me that they didn’t know how dreadful the movie really was because that threatening looking tattooed guy on the box art isn’t even in the movie. Ray Ragenious as the killer looks a young Alfred Molina dressed like Michael Myers and isn’t the least bit menacing no matter how many times he stomps his foot at the camera. Yeah, that psychic stomp is really scary there, Ray. Ugh.

If nothing else I guess I should congratulate Ray Ragenious for successfully making the single worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life. Never before have I endured a film as boring and tedious as this. Way to go, Ray. Now swear to me you’ll never pick up a video camera ever again.

0 out of 5 Mugs O’ Blood

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