Starring Hannah Harper, Ada Mae Johnson, Nikki Love, Pamela Christie, Kasumi, Peter Cullerud, Michael Haboush
Written & directed by Daryl Carstensen
Amount of time following the opening credits before the first nude scene: 13 seconds. Technically, 0 seconds; the buffer in between clicking “Play” and the start of the movie features one of the starlets’ nude.
Watching Attack of the Virgin Mummies reminded me why I usually avoid movies like this. Going in I expected a sex comedy with horror elements. There is a horror element but it’s very miniscule. There is allegedly comedy but comedies are supposed to be funny and this most certainly is not. While there may have been tons of nudity, there was no sex at all. This last part was especially surprising after I looked the film up on IMDB and learned that the lead actresses are all porn starlets. That would definitely explain why they were all only semi-attractive and adorned with rather unsightly tattoos. I dare say that their starring in this film would be considered slumming. At least with porn flicks with titles such as Inseminated by 2 Black Men, Anal Angels, and Porking with Pride you pretty much know what the point of the movie is without even having to see it. I watched all 70 long minutes of Attack of the Virgin Mummies and still have no idea what the point was supposed to be or why it even exists.
The film opens in what we’re told is Ancient Egypt. It looks more like it was shot in the woods a few miles from my house. No sooner do the opening credits end, the nudity begins along with allegedly humorous dialogue like “I can’t take my clothes off fast enough. Hold your Arabian horses!” That’s what passes for comedy here.
The Egyptian king’s virgin daughters are taking a mid-day dip. First of all, I’m looking at these girls stripping on a dime and thinking they might not be virgins after all. Secondly, did Egypt have kings? I would have sworn they were called pharaohs, but then why should one expect the makers of a movie like this to know even that much about ancient history. Hey, I wasn’t aware that bottle blondes, ankle and lower back tattoos, and breast implants existed in ancient Egypt. If nothing else at least I can say Attack of the Virgin Mummies was educational.
So after all three main actresses get fully nude within the first 30 seconds of film, we’re then introduced to three of the whitest Egyptian males ever as they stumble upon the naked nymphs.
Two of the girls end up hooking up with two of the guys, but the “ugly” male that looks and sounds like a pudgier, angrier version of Mr. Belding from “Saved by the Bell,” upset by his recent lack of nipple-sucking action, attempts to rape the third female leading to a very long and surprisingly unpleasant scene (especially for the kind of tripe this film is) where he’s confronted by the others, attempts more rape, and murder them all. As ludicrous as his ability to murder the women by strangling them each for all of three seconds and kill his two male friends with three measly whacks with a small stick, there was still something uncomfortably sleazy about how this scene played out prior to the laughably inept murders; ironically, the only thing even remotely laughable thus far.
Unaware these girls were the king’s virgin daughters… Well, they were virgins as far as he knew, I guess. The murderer, I think his name was supposed to be Kharis, is condemned for having raped and murdered them. As best I can muster, the king seems to think the guy raped them thus explaining why they weren’t the virgins he thought them to be. I’m putting too much thought into deciphering what little plot there is.
Kharis is sentenced to have his tongue cut out and then be mummified to death. He vows to return from the grave one day to wreak vengeance. The high priest passing down justice bestows some Egyptian mojo on the deceased daughters so that they will one day rise live again and restores their virginity too.
For the record, the acting is exactly what you would expect in a film like this which is to say non-existent. People speak lines of dialogue and make facial expressions while doing so but this not acting. Dear lord, this is not acting.
Also, the whimsical soundtrack consisting primarily of the kinds of strings and woodwinds suitable for a production of Peter & The Wolf began to fell like Chinese water torture after only the first 10 minutes.
We then jump to a modern day American strip club that’s struggling to survive because as one unruly patron puts it, “I’ve seen it all before. It’s the same old shit.” Oddly enough, that’s exactly what I was thinking about this point in the movie too. When a movie based around women getting naked actually succeeds in making naked women boring after only a half hour then you know something has gone horribly wrong.
Meanwhile, a rich Hollywood fogy has ordered some mummies from the Cairo Museum. Despite being a recurring subplot, it has nothing to do with anything other than to set-up the mishap that leads to the crate containing the mummified daughters getting dumped on the side of the road. Afterwards, the previously mummified daughters promptly wake up, unwrap, and gawk at the strange new world they’re in just in time for the two strip club owners to pick them up and devise a whole Egyptian themed stripping routine that will help turn their business around. Despite declarations that they are the Egyptian king’s virgin daughters, that they want to be returned to Egypt, and that Kharis has awakened and is coming to kill them all, the three ladies don’t hesitate taking the strip club gig and jiggling for money. And thank goodness too because it’s been all of five minutes since we last saw them naked.
The girls do indeed perform a striptease; four infinitely long minutes of the most uninspired, unsexy stripping so pitiful professional strippers everywhere should be offended. By this point I felt the makers of Attack of the Virgin Mummies should have been waving $20 bills at me to keep watching.
Kharis finally awakens, but unlike the girls he’s still stuck in mummy form; a mummy that any Cub Scout troupe could create with some Ace bandages and a volunteer; a mummy that’s into voyeurism, lechery, and murdering naked women and the occasional vagrant that has the misfortune to cross his path. Kharis the misogynistic mummy also begins boozing it up which seems a bit pointless seeing as how he’s supposed to have no tongue.
The girls are now sleeping with the strip club owners (so much for being virgins again) so even when they’re not on stage stripping they’re laying in bed naked. They see a news report about the rash of mummy murders and realize they must stop Kharis once and for all. But first, they have to perform another striptease.
Look, I realize that this movie was made to gawk at naked women while goofy nonsense goes on around them but Attack of the Virgin Mummies has absolutely nothing going for it aside from the nudity, and seeing as how the three main actresses aren’t really drop dead gorgeous and you can see them getting reamed on film for real in the kind of movies they usually appear in, it makes the whole endeavor particularly pointless.
Even USA “Up All Night” wouldn’t have wasted valuable airtime on this crap.
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