Starring Bill Goldberg, Emilie de Ravin, Douglas Smith, Robert Culp, Dave Thomas, Saul Rubinek
Written & Directed by David Steiman
The opening, pre-title sequence of Santa’s Slay pretty much sets the tone for everything to come. You have some recognizable actors (James Caan, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan, Rebecca Gayheart) reciting bad sitcom one-liners until evil Santa suddenly bursts in and proceeds to kill them in ways that barely register as mildly amusing. It’s a completely random sequence that serves no purpose to the plot. By the halfway point of the movie it had become abundantly clear that while writer-director David Steiman may have come up with an amusing idea for a Christmas-themed horror comedy, he had absolutely no clue what to do with it. As a comedy it isn’t funny. As a horror movie it isn’t scary. As a slasher movie it really doesn’t have any decent kills. It isn’t even good at being bad. No wonder this film sat on a shelf gathering dust for the past two years, it’s nothing more than a whole lot of humbug.
I really wanted to like Santa’s Slay, I really did. But the film is just flat out lame. Santa is the son of Satan who was challenged to a game of curling by an angel disguised as a human with the condition being that if Santa lost he would have to spend the next thousand years spreading joy throughout the world on the day that we would come to know as Christmas. Now the thousand years is up and Santa arrives in the quaint snowy community inexplicably named Hell Township on Christmas to raise some hell and settle and old score. Goofy as it may be, that premise holds plenty of camp potential. Unfortunately, outside of that basic premise, the novelty casting of 6’6″, 280 lbs ex-wrestler Bill Goldberg as Santa, and the winter sport of curling being used to settle biblical wagers, there really isn’t much more imagination to the story. Great concept but, boy, is it squandered badly.
Nothing characters are introduced just long enough for Santa to show up and murder them in ways that aren’t particularly gruesome or comical or even creative. This is all really just filler while teenage Nicholas Yuleson engages in dimwitted banter with his crazy inventor Grandpa who doesn’t like celebrating Christmas because he knows the real truth behind Santa’s origins. In between invention exchanges unworthy of “Mystery Science Theater 3000” and stuff involving an ancient tome Grandpa possesses that explains the film’s backstory, boring Nicholas also has to deal with his boring girlfriend Mary, played by “Lost” star Emilie de Ravin, who probably wishes this movie had been lost on a tropical island.
Most of the scenes involving Nicholas, Grandpa, and Mary tend to feel like pointless filler being used in between the seemingly random scenes of Santa’s rampage that also comes across as pointless filler. It’s like there’re two separate interconnecting story arcs going on that are waiting for the other to start going somewhere so that they can interconnect. The plot doesn’t progress at all until the third act and by then it’s long past too late.
All this randomness might have been tolerable if what was happening had been either scary or witty. Most of the film’s humor has about as much wit as a Trix cereal commercial. “Who’s your daddy? Father Christmas,” is a sample of the kind of dialogue Santa utters when stalking Nicholas and Mary. Even the bloopers and outtakes shown during the closing credits are so unfunny you have to wonder why they even bothered including them.
The writing and direction is so sloppy and amateurish here it’s hard to imagine that Santa’s Slay was ever at any time being considered for a theatrical release. In addition to all the other problems I’ve listed, the whole look of the film has a made-for-CBS telefilm quality to it too.
This evil Santa isn’t even a good villain. Sure, he looks like a hulking, Viking-like Santa Claus and he gets around in a rocket-powered sleigh lead by his Hell Deer named Berserker (actually a gray buffalo), but his actions consist of little more than growling out some one-liners that put a witless twist on some familiar Christmas rhymes before murdering people in an unmemorable fashion. A Jewish man getting impaled with a Menorah is about as imaginative as it gets. That’s really pathetic when you consider that even the Leprechaun and Jack Frost films have managed to come up with some creative death scenes. The concept of an evil Santa on a reign of terror can’t help but bring to mind the “Futurama” Xmas episodes dealing with the evil robot Santa, which did the concept a billion times better.
The film’s best scene is an animated recounting of the backstory that’s animated in the same style as “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” “Frosty the Snowman,” and other classic Rankin-Bass Christmas. There’s also one other brief moment of imagination when Nicholas and Mary on a snowmobile are being chased by Santa flying in his sleigh while hurling exploding Christmas presents at them. If nothing else, at least that chase scene provides a few lively moments amid the rest of the film’s dead zone. I still couldn’t help but think those two scenes still weren’t nearly as good as they could have been with some better writing.
And worst of all, Santa’s Slay cheats you out of an ending. There is no resolution to the story. It just abruptly ends without Santa having been dealt with. In lieu of an actual conclusion we get a tacked on Animal House-style wrap-up telling us what’s become of the remaining characters. It’s painfully obvious that this was tacked on only just recently since Santa’s Slay was filmed two years ago and the on-screen text informing us of the fate of Emilie de Ravin’s character refers to her getting “lost.” Groan.
The very last frame of the closing credits informs us that Santa’s Slay was produced “with the participation of The Canadian Film or Video Production Services Tax Credit.” And to think people rag on Uwe Boll and his German tax loopholes.
Santa’s Slay only deserves a rating of one Blood Mug but since he does kill Chris Kattan in the movie I’m going to give it an extra half a Blood Mug because any film where Chris Kattan dies a violent death gets extra points in my book regardless of how lame it truly is.
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Suspiria U.K. Blu-ray Review – Argento’s Masterpiece In Stunning 4K Clarity
Starring Jessica Harper, Stefania Casini, Flavio Bucci, Udo Kier
Directed by Dario Argento
Distributed by CultFilms
Although the 40th anniversary of Dario Argento’s seminal giallo masterpiece Suspiria passed only last year, plans for that milestone had been underway for years. Unbeknownst to all but the most diehard fans, restorative work was ongoing for a long while, most notably under the masterful eye of Synapse’s Don May, Jr., leading up to a grand unveiling of the all-new 4K picture that had been perfected and tweaked endlessly. That version of the film toured across the country at select events, giving fans an opportunity to watch Argento’s colorful classic with a picture more vibrant and full of pop than ever before. Even the original English 4.0 audio track from 1977 was restored to its former glory. Between all of the loving care Suspiria received, as well as the wealth of Argento reissues on Blu-ray, this is a good time to be a fan of his early works.
There are, however, actually two 4K restorations that were done for Suspiria; one, by Don May Jr., while the other was performed by TLEFilms FRPS in Germany. This is the same master used for home video release in Europe and Australia. Fans have viewed and picked apart both transfers, though you would have to be one of the ultra-purists to enter that debate and engage anyone willing to discredit either image. The job done by Synapse is extraordinary and the same can also be said for the work done by TLEFilms. This release by CultFilms features the TLEFilms restoration, making it either an attractive alternative to Synapse’s (currently OOP) steelbook release or a nice supplement for fans who wish to own both 4K versions.
Suspiria has been viewed and reviewed and discussed an endless amount of times and there are no undiscussed criticisms or introspective viewpoints I am likely to offer that haven’t been made before. Argento has long been an example of style over substance and Suspiria is his most emblematic work in that regard. American Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper) arrives in Germany at a prestigious all-girls dance academy late one rainy night. Girls have mysteriously vanished from the compound in recent days, with more to follow. Suzy is coldly greeted and frequently uncomfortable during her stay. Eventually she uncovers a plot involving witchcraft and murder. The story is less thrilling than the ride, which is a kaleidoscope of horror. Argento uses every trick in his bag, from inventive camera movement to ingenious framing, and the use of colored filters to evoke a mood so many have attempted to replicate.
The real interest many will have with this review is in regard to the picture quality. As I said before, the 2.35:1 1080p image provided by TFEFilms’ exhaustive restoration work is nothing short of astounding. This looks like a film that might have been made last year, never mind over four decades ago. The image is razor sharp, exceedingly clear and completely free of blemishes, dirt, debris, scratches, fluctuations, and jitter. The picture could not appear more stable, with the contrast rock solid and coloration a thing of beauty. Primaries leap off the screen with vibrancy even longtime fans will admit is a shocking surprise. Watching this picture in action is a true treat. Detailing is exquisite, revealing every little nuance in Argento’s framing. Simply put, this is a flawless image that ranks among the upper echelon of reference-quality Blu-ray transfers.
Similarly, the audio is no slouch with options available in both English and Italian, each receiving both a DTS-HD MA 5.1 surround sound track and an LPCM 2.0 option. The multi-channel track is the clear winner here, proving a deep, immersive audible experience that completely envelops the viewer in both Argento’s world and Goblin’s phenomenal score. Seriously, the soundtrack for Suspiria has never been as unsettling and overpowering as it is here, filling every corner of your home theater room with a palpable sense of dread. Subtitles are, of course, available in English.
Please note: this release is locked to Region B, meaning you must have a compatible player to watch the disc.
This release also features different bonus material from the Synapse release, with an emphasis here placed on the restoration process. Completists may want to add this disc to their collection because it not only offers up a different-but-equal a/v presentation but also a new collection of bonus features.
An audio commentary is included, provided by film critics/authors Alan Jones and Kim Newman.
“The Restoration Process” is a nearly one-hour piece that examines every step along the way in bringing Suspiria back to such stunning life. Technical talk abounds here; definitely for fans who want a glimpse into the nerdier side of making movies look pretty again.
“Argento Presents His Suspiria” is a new interview with the director, who surprisingly doesn’t seem sick to death of talking about this film yet.
“Fear at 400 Degrees: The Cine-Excess of Suspiria” offers up critical appraisal of the film’s visual style, featuring interviews with critics, theorists, and others involved in making the film.
“Suspiria Perspectives” offers up more in-depth discussion of the film, covering both this feature and similar Italian pictures made during that era.
A DVD copy of the feature is also included. The two-disc set sits within a slick, shiny embossed slipcover with the film’s logo in metallic silver. It’s kinda sexy.
- The Restoration Process
- Argento Presents His Suspiria
- Fear at 400 Degrees: The Cine-Excess of Suspiria
- Suspiria Perspectives
- Audio Commentary
Looking better than ever before, Cult Films’ release of this giallo classic is welcomed as both a more affordable (current) alternative to the U.S. release and as a complement to it, since this edition has a slight variation in picture quality and a selection of different and insightful bonus features.
Victor Crowley Blu-ray Review – Killer Special Features Make This a Must-Own
Directed by Adam Green
Distributed by Dark Sky Films
Like many of you horror fans out there, I was surprised as hell when Adam Green announced that there was not only going to be the fourth entry in his famed Hatchet series but that the movie had already been filmed and was going to be screening across the country.
Of course, I wanted to get to one of those screenings as soon as possible, but unfortunately, there were no events in my neck of the woods here in Gainesville, Fl., and so I had to bide my time and await the Blu-ray.
Then a few days ago, the Blu-ray for Victor Crowley landed on my doorstep and I jumped right into watching the film. Short story, I loved it. But we’ll get into all of that more in-depth below. For now, let’s do a quick rundown on the film for those two or three horror fans out there who aren’t familiar with the film and its premise.
Victor Crowley is the fourth entry in the Hatchet series, a franchise that follows the tale of a deformed man that accidentally met the wrong end of his father’s hatchet long ago and now roams the Louisiana swamp each night as a “Repeater”, aka a ghost that doesn’t know it is dead and thus cannot be killed. Ever. Well, maybe not ever. After all, Victor was supposedly killed at the end of Hatchet III by a combination of Danielle Harris, his father’s ashes, and a grenade launcher. Dead to rights, right? Not so much.
In this fourth entry/reboot, a group of indie horror filmmakers, lead by the adorable Katie Booth, accidentally resurrect Crowley just as the original trilogy’s lone survivor (Parry Shen) is visiting the swamp one final time in the name of cold hard cash. Long story short, Shen’s plane crashes with his agent (Felissa Rose), his ex-wife (Krystal Joy Brown), and her film crew in tow. Some survive the initial crash, some don’t. As you can imagine, the lucky ones died first.
Victor Crowley is a true return to form for Adam Green, who sat out of the director’s chair on the third film. As always, Green doesn’t shy away from the over-the-top comedy and gore the franchise is well known for. The blood rages and the sight-gags hit fast and unexpectedly. And, speaking of the sight-gags, there’s evidently a shot in this Blu-ray version of the film that was cut from the “Unrated” version released on VOD. The shot is one I won’t spoil here, but for the sake of viewing Green’s initial vision alone, the Blu-ray for Victor Crowley is really the only way to own this film. Don’t get me wrong, there are (many) more reasons to shell out the cash for this Blu-ray, but I’ll get into those soon.
Back to the film itself, what makes this fourth entry in the series one of the very best Hatchet films (if not THE best) is Adam Green’s honesty. Not only does he conquer a few demons with the ex-wife subplot, but he gives us a truly tragic moment via Tiffany Shepis’ character that had me in stunned silence. Her death is not an easy kill to pull off in a notoriously over-the-top slasher series, but it earned mucho respect from this guy.
Basically, if you loved the original trilogy, you will love this one as well. If you mildly enjoyed the other films, this one will surely make you a fan. Slow clap, Adam Green.
Let it be known that I’m a massive fan of fly-on-the-wall filmmaking documentaries. Like many of you out there, I find film production to be utterly fascinating and thus have grown a little tired of the typical making-of featurettes we get on Blu-rays. You know the ones. The director talks about his vision for the film, the cast say how much fun they had on-set with the other actors and crew, and we get cutaways to people dancing and trying to kiss the behind-the-scenes camera – all usually set to upbeat music.
While I’ll take what I can get, these kinds of behind-the-scenes features have grown to be little more than tiresome and superficial. But no worries here my friends as Adam Green has pulled out all the BS and given us a full-length, 90-minute behind-the-scenes feature called “Fly on the Wall” that shows it how it really is on the set.
Highlights include new Hatchet D.P. Jan-Michael Losada, who took over for Will Barratt this time around, who is little less than a f*cking hilarious rockstar, a front row seat to the making of Felissa Rose’s death scene, a creepy-cool train ghost story prank by Green, a clever impromptu song via Krystal Joy Brown (Sabrina), and a fun bit towards the end where Green and the SFX crew create the “gore inserts” in (basically) the backyard after filming. Good times all around.
The documentary then ends with the Facebook Live video of Adam Green announcing Victor Crowley‘s surprise premiere at that Hatchet 10th Anniversary screening. A great way to end a killer making-of documentary making his disc a must-own for this special feature alone.
But wait, it gets better. On top of the film itself and the above-mentioned “Fly on the Wall” documentary, the disc features an extensive interview with Adam Green called “Raising the Dead… Again.” This interview is basically Green going over the same speech he gave to the crowd at the surprise unveiling shown at the end of the “Fly on the Wall” doc, but that said, it’s great to hear Green tells his inspiring story to us directly.
So while this feature treads water all of us have been through below (especially fans of Green’s podcast The Movie Crypt), Green is always so charming and brutally honest that we never get tired of him telling us the truth about the ins-and-outs of crafting horror films in this day and age. Again, good stuff.
Additionally, the disc also boasts two audio commentaries, one with Adam Green and actors Parry Shen, Laura Ortiz, and Dave Sheridan, and another “technical” commentary with Adam Green, cinematographer Jan-Michael Losada, editor Matt Latham, and make-up effects artist Robert Pendergraft.
Add in the film’s teaser and trailer, and Victor Crowley is a must-own on Blu-ray.
- Audio commentary with writer/director Adam Green and actors Parry Shen, Laura Ortiz, and Dave Sheridan
- Audio commentary with writer/director Adam Green, cinematographer Jan-Michael Losada, editor Matt Latham, and make-up effects artist Robert Pendergraft
- Raising the Dead… Again – Extensive interview with writer/director Adam Green
- Behind the Scenes – Hour-long making-of featurette
One of the best, if not THE best, entries in the Hatchet series, with special features that are in-depth and a blast (and considering all other versions of the film have been castrated for content), this Blu-ray is really the only way to own Adam Green’s Victor Crowley.
Who Goes There Podcast: Ep 152 – Cloverfield Paradox & The Ritual
Last week Netflix shocked the world by not only releasing a new trailer for Cloverfield Paradox during the Superbowl, but announcing the film would be available to stream right after the game. In a move no one saw coming, Netflix shook the film industry to it’s very core. A few days later, Netflix quietly released horror festival darling: The Ritual.
Hold on to your Higgs Boson, because this week we’ve got a double header for ya, and we’re not talking about that “world’s largest gummy worm” in your mom’s nightstand. Why was one film marketed during the biggest sporting event of the year, and why was one quietly snuck in like a pinky in your pooper? Tune in a find out!
Meet me at the waterfront after the social for the Who Goes There Podcast episode 152!
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