Starring Jeremy Jackson, Coltin Scott, Ryan Starr, and Adrienne Barbeau
Directed by David DeCoteau
No, I have not taken leave of my faculties, at least no more than usual, and no, this is not an April Fools Day prank either. I really am about to write a mostly positive review of a David DeCoteau movie about a zombie boy band. Believe me, I’m as shocked about this as you are.
David DeCoteau films of recent years usually have plenty of homoerotic imagery and overtones. This often makes him the butt of jokes but hey, the man has carved his own niche out of making horror movies catering to a gay male audience and he’s very upfront about it, so if you are straight like me and rent one of his movies then you shouldn’t be shocked or put-off by seeing young, half-naked, wet-lipped pretty boys cavorting about. That said; if there was a strong homoerotic element to Ring of Darkness then I honestly didn’t notice. I mean we are talking about a movie based around a boy band and boy bands are usually considered pretty gay to begin with, aren’t they? Boyishly handsome young men coming up with dance steps that require the flashing of their washboard abs as much as humanly possible is pretty much a boy band trademark. The only time the homoeroticism seemed totally gratuitous was when the band members would perform their black ceremony that had them strip to their underwear, strap the also stripped down to his underwear subject of the ritual to an alter, and do a little laying on of the hands.
You know I’m still not sure exactly what form of evil they are supposed to be of. Their rituals seem to be a combination of satanic and voodoo, but the movie never really explains the mojo at work here. Whatever devil or deity they’re worshipping there are only two things for certain. One, it grants them immortality. Two, it requires them to strip down to their boxer shorts during ceremonies.
But anyway, “Take Ten” is the hottest boy band around. When not on tour, appearing on television, or just finding ways to make stupid girls squeal with glee, the band resides on a tropical island where they live, work on their music, rehearse their dance moves, and eat their lead singer after he learns the horrible truth about his bandmates and decides it might be a good time to go solo.
Okay, I’m not quite sure they actually ate him. The members of this undead boy band always kill as a group by encircling their victim and then basically pouncing on top of him. It’s never really made clear if they eat them like the zombies they are, drink their blood like vampires, or just gang save them like a pack of overly enthusiastic fundamentalists.
The band announces that their lead singer has checked himself into drug rehab – the movie never even attempts to clue us in on how they are going to explain the fact that he will never return from this phantom Betty Ford Clinic – and are going to conduct a nationwide talent search for a new lead singer.
The talent contest scene is unintentionally hilarious because the contestants have to perform their version of the band’s most popular song yet no matter who is singing the song on the film’s soundtrack has the exact same vocal track as the original version. They’re all lip-syncing the same exact song even though they’re just supposed to be doing a cover of it. Only their dance steps are different. I bet Rev. Joe Simpson would blame this all on acid reflux.
And yes, the song does indeed suck. It’s also instantly forgettable so you won’t have to worry about it echoing in your head for hours.
The talent search comes down to three finalists. One is actually an undercover cub reporter for a major supermarket tabloid, another is a darker skinned Justin Guarini look-a-like, and then there is the film’s hero, a cool rebel wannabe named Shawn, who dresses like the president of the Bon Jovi fan club, constantly walks around with a guitar on his shoulder, and is ever whining about how much he hates this boy band crap and only wants to make real music. Everything about the guy and his sullen, 15-years out of date, wannabe rock star persona makes you want to root for the demonic boy band to kill him in a horrible fashion. The only reason he is even auditioning is because his girlfriend Stacy talked him into it. She repeatedly tells him that getting the gig with “Take Ten” will be a good starting point for his floundering musical career, although, as the film progresses it appears she might actually have alternative motives of her own.
I got to stop here for a second and talk about Ryan Starr, who plays Stacy. Miss Starr is another reality show contestant trying to turn that into an acting career. She finished 7th on a previous season of “American Idol” and as evidenced by her performance in this movie, that show is obviously not an acting contest. While she may be very easy on the eyes it doesn’t change that fact that her performance is one of the worst I’ve ever seen. Between her very husky voice and marble-mouthed attempts at acting, most of the lines that come out her mouth sound borderline garbled. I honestly had to rewind the tape to understand what she said on more than one occasion. And you’d think that if she were best known for being an “American Idol” contestant there would at least be a scene in the movie where she sings. Nope. Doesn’t get naked either. Don’t quit your day job, honey.
All three finalists are whisked away to the band’s island retreat where they are put through rigorous dance choreography tests to determine their worthiness before being eaten by them when they discover the truth. Admittedly, the scene where Shawn comes across old memorabilia detailing how the members of the band have been forever young for nearly half a century is quite amusing, especially the picture of them as hippie folk rockers.
Speaking of which, I haven’t introduced you to the members of “Take Ten” yet, have I? Their leader is Xavier, played by Jeremy Jackson, best known as David Hasselhoff’s son on “Baywatch”. Other than being the brains of the operation and a white guy with black hair there really isn’t much more to his character. There’s also a somewhat dorky whitebread hunk and an Asian guy, neither of which have much to say or do other than look to Xavier for spiritual leadership. The only other member with anything resembling a personality is the one that looks exactly like Eminem, only if Eminem was a tattoo-free, vanilla boy band member. Other than his resemblance to a certain Slim Shady, the one trait that makes him standout is the blatant racism he exudes on a few occasions. This guy has no problem expressing his displeasure with the possibility of a black lead singer and still isn’t all that happy having to work alongside and Asian either.
Adrienne Barbeau is cast as the band’s manager. She is well aware of what lies beneath their acrylic Darkman exteriors and is convinced that Shawn is the one they’re looking for, this despite the fact that he constantly expresses his dislike for the band, their music, their image, and just having to share the same oxygen as them. It’s never fully explained why she’s so high on this guy other than possibly being attracted to him. I swear she talks about Shawn being “the one” almost as much as Morpheus did about Neo.
Hmmm… It just occurred to me that I still haven’t really given you any particular reason why you should see this movie. Heck, I’m not completely sure why I kind of liked it. It sure isn’t scary. Heck, for the most part it plays out like a barely R-rated episode of “Goosebumps”.
The first half of Ring of Darkness breezed along but when it started to fall apart it really fell apart. The trouble begins when the undercover reporter follows the band to their secret ritual lair and we’re subjected to about two or three straight minutes of them just walking through the jungle at night to the tune of one of their crappy songs along with randomly inserted clips of their music video already seen at length earlier in the film. Not long after that we are subjected to a pointless dream sequence. Few things I hate more about horror movies than when a lengthy dream sequence is tossed in just to try and provide a false scare. From there, scenes seemingly happen at random, many of which just repeat stuff already established previously.
It all culminates in a final showdown where one character’s ulterior motives are revealed – revealed to be utterly ridiculous if you ask me – and the boy band is dispatched in a manner that is so anticlimactic it isn’t even funny. I mean that’s it? That’s all it took to destroy them? Worst of all, the movie dares to add a surprise twist ending that is so lame the lameness of it almost has a zen-like quality. I’m not really sure what I mean by that but I really can’t think of any better way to describe just how utterly lame the big twist at the end is.
I’m not even sure why I was even entertained at all by this movie not that I think about it. It’s not good, not by a long shot. Maybe it’s because I went into the movie with expectations as low as humanly possible or maybe it just caught me on a good day? I don’t know. It’s little more than a time waster but I’ve wasted time watching stuff infinitely worse than this cheesefest.
One thing I’ve still yet to understand is the film’s title. Ring of Darkness? What ring? There is no actual ring in the movie. Is it a reference to the band? There are only four members. They stand in a square when performing their nearly clothing optional rituals so that can’t be it. I suppose it could be in reference to the way they encircle their prey but even that would be pushing it.
So many questions that will forever go unanswered…
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The Open House Review – Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here
Written by Matt Angel and Suzanne Coote
Directed by Matt Angel and Suzanne Coote
Mere weeks, even days, after effusively beating Netflix’s original horror content drum (The Babysitter, Before I Wake, Creep 2), I’m here to confirm that The Open House is emptier than an vacant bomb shelter. Cold, unappealing and thoughtlessly plotted to the point where “generic” would have been an improvement. From the moment we’re welcomed into Matt Angel and Suzanne Coote’s scripted imprisonment, it’s nothing but loose floorboards and busted plumbing. The home invasion genre has rarely been navigated with such little attention to detail, asking for our suspension of coherent storytelling early, often, and without earning the right to be deemed mindless genre fun. Not even Ty Pennington could save this extreme renovation disaster.
Dylan Minnette plays Logan Wallace, a track star and student who must find closure after watching his father fall victim to a fatal car accident. It is his mother Naomi’s (Piercey Dalton) idea to spend a little time away from their suburban home – escape those painful memories – so they retreat to her sister’s luxurious mountain getaway. The catch? It’s in the process of being sold and open houses are on the regular, so Naomi and Logan must vacate their temporary premises on certain days. It’s after one of these very showings that Logan begins to notice slight changes around the house, and he fears that an unwanted visitor may be in their midst. Guess what? He’s right.
To understand how little The Open House cares about conscious blueprinting, just read the poster’s tagline. “You can’t lock out what’s already inside” – right, but you could have prevented them from coming in, or checked the house to make sure they weren’t squatting, or explored numerous other possibilities to avoid this scenario. The mansion’s realtor allows prospective buyers to come and go but it’s not her job to make sure no one’s hiding in the basement? Naomi can’t even keep track of the *single* visitor she lets look around the house? It’s infuriating to see so many people neglect safety out of forced coincidence because the script couldn’t rationalize the killer’s entry any other way – a confounding strike one.
This is also a film that admits no reasoning for why its own murderer has targeted the Wallaces, or why he stokes a violent fetish when it comes to open houses. We never actually see his face, just his imposing handyman-looking attire, nor do we savor any kind of tangible backstory (his family died during their own open house and he suffered a psychotic breakdown – just give me *something*). His undefined form never demands curiosity like John Carpenter’s “The Shape” once did, because scripting is nothing more than bullet notes for basic horror movie necessities. Here he is, your bad guy – too bad he’s introduced without fear, handled without originality and unable to characterize beyond torturous kidnapper dotted lines. He’s just, you know, a guy who sneaks into open houses and kills – COMPLETE WITH A FINAL PAN-IN ON AN OPEN HOUSE SIGN WHEN HE MOVES TO HIS NEXT TARGET [eye roll into infinity].
Every scene in The Open House feels like an afterthought. “Ah, we need a way to build tension – how about a senile local woman who lives down the street and wanders aimlessly into frame?” Overplayed and in no way suitable to most her inclusions, but sure. “Oh, and we need inner conflict – what about if the breaker-iner steals Logan’s phone and frames him for later acts?” I mean, didn’t Logan canonically lose his phone even before Naomi’s mid-shower water heater issues – but sure, instant fake tension. “How are people going to believe the killer is always around and never blows his cover – think they’ll just buy it?” No, we don’t. Worse off, his cat-and-mouse game is dully repetitive until a finale that skyrockets intensity with jarring tonal imbalance. This closing, dreadful end without any sort of redemptive quality. More abusive than it is fulfilling.
If there’s anything positive worth conveying, it’s that Minnette does a fine job shuffling around as a character with severe sight impairment. The killer makes a point to remove his contacts as a final “FUCK YOU,” just to toy around a bit more, and Minnette frantically slips or stumbles with nothing more than foggy vision. Otherwise, dialogue finds itself ripped form a billion other straight-to-TV Logo dramas about broken families, no moment ever utilizing horror past a few shadowy forms standing in doorways after oblivious characters turn away. You can’t just take an overused subgenre and sleepwalk through homogenized beats…case and god-forsaken point.
Even as a streamable Netflix watch, The Open House is irredeemable beyond fault. The walls are caving in on this dilapidated excuse for home invasion horror, benefiting not from the star power of a temperamental Dylan Minnette. I have seen most involved players here in far better projects (Minnette’s stock has rightfully been skyrocketing, Matt Angel in The Funhouse Massacre, etc), but this is bargain bin theatrics without a fully formed idea. A nameless villain, doomed nice guy (Sharif Atkins), woefully unaware plot advancement – all the worst cliches found in one rage-quit worthy effort. Anyone who makes it through deserves an award…or a dunce cap.
Unless you’re irrationally afraid of cold showers, The Open House fails to deliver on a premise that can be summed up by no more than two lines of text.
Ruby Blu-ray Review – ’70s Drive-In Psychic Shocker From VCI
Starrign Piper Laurie, Janit Baldwin, Stuart Whitman, Roger Davis
Written by George Edwards and Barry Schneider
Directed by Curtis Harrington
Distributed by VCI Entertainment
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and director Curtis Harrington’s Ruby (1977) is paying it to a few of the ‘70s most notable horror films. Cribbing liberally from such better pictures as The Exorcist (1973) and Carrie (1976), this is a picture that could have worked well despite being a pastiche because it begins with a decent setup and the elements for something interesting are present. Unfortunately, nothing ever gels like it has to and Ruby loses focus early on, dashing from one death scene to the next and allowing for little salient connective tissue to tie it all together. The big mystery presented early on should be easy enough for horror fans to deduce, and the film never brings the scare factor. A few of the deaths are novel in their inventiveness, especially the use of the drive-in theater surroundings, but a couple kills do not a movie make and Ruby spends too much time middling and being weird to be of any note.
Florida, 1935. Low level mobster Nicky Rocco (Sal Vacchio) is gunned down by a lake as his pregnant girlfriend Ruby watches on in horror. Just before dying, Nicky swears vengeance on whoever did this to him. Cut to sixteen years later and Ruby (Piper Laurie) runs a drive-in movie theater and lives in a home nearby with her daughter, Leslie (Janit Baldwin). Ruby is a tough broad, quick-witted and foul-mouthed; able to hold her own with the guys. But those guys are beginning to vanish one by one as the bodies start piling up at the theater. Ruby suspects there’s something off with Leslie, so she brings in her own psychic doctor, Dr. Paul Keller (Roger Davis), to examine her daughter. Leslie, as it turns out, is acting as a conduit for the wayward soul of Nicky, who blames Ruby for his ultimate demise. Possessed and programmed for vengeance, Leslie and Ruby have an all-out battle in a search for the truth.
The second half of this film is where things go right off the rails, with scenes aping The Exorcist so much it feels like a knock-off. This isn’t always such a bad thing because knock-offs of better films can always turn out great (see: most of the post-Gremlins little creature features), but Ruby never makes a clear case for introducing these fantastical elements in the third act. This is a story that could have worked better by exercising restraint, playing closer to something like J.D.’s Revenge (1976), a similar gangster-soul-out-for-justice film, than a wild, possessed ride.
What does work, for me, are the drive-in theater setting (I’m a sucker for movies that also involve the craft of film in some way) and the kills, a few of which make great use of the theatrical setting to deliver fitting fatalities. One employee winds up stuffed into a soda machine, with his blood getting pumped into a dark, syrupy drink and served up to guests. Another meets his end on the screen, impaled by the pole on which car speakers are kept. Harrington does inject this picture with a strong sense of atmosphere, too. The locale is woodsy and feels remote; the countryside is dark and foggy, the perfect setting for something grim to occur. None of these elements are enough to fully save the feature, though they do bring enough production value to ease to burden of a poor script.
Personally, I’m a sucker for almost any horror from bygone eras – especially the ‘70s and ‘80s – so, deficiencies aside, Ruby is still worth a spin if you enjoy reveling in this particular era. This is far from an unheralded gem or little-seen treasure, but it does, at the least, rip-off good pictures in spectacularly bad fashion.
This is a rough film and every bit of work done for the 2K restoration still can’t do much to polish it up any better. First, a note: there is a video drop-out for approximately ten seconds around the 21-minute mark. VCI is offering replacement discs via their Facebook page, so check there for further details. Future copies will be corrected, and those should already be on “shelves” now, so consider this an FYI. The 1.85:1 1080p image is frequently soft and murky, darkly shot and poorly lit. Shadow detail is virtually non-existent. The color temperature looks a bit on the warm side. Film grain is noisy and occasionally problematic.
An English LPCM 2.0 track carries a clean & balanced audio experience. Voices sound a touch muffled at times, though nothing too severe. The murders scenes are accompanied by creepy ambient sounds, adding a slight chill. The film’s closing theme song is awesome cheese that must be heard. Subtitles are available in English SDH.
There are two audio commentary tracks; the first, with David Del Valle and Nathaniel Bell; the second, with Curtis Harrington and Piper Laurie.
The film’s original trailer is included in HD.
Also included are a few interviews with Harrington, conducted by David Del Valle, including “2001 David Del Valle Interview with Curtis Harrington”, and “Sinister Image Episode Vol. 1 & Vol. 2: David Del Valle Archival Interview with Curtis Harrington”.
- NEW 2K RESTORATION from the original camera negative
- Original theatrical trailer
- Audio Commentary with Director Curtis Harrington & Actress Piper Laurie
- New Audio Commentary with David Del Valle and Curtis Harrington historian Nate Bell
- Two Interviews with Curtis Harrington by Film Critic David Del Valle
- Photo Gallery
- Optional English SDH subtitles
A simple plot becomes wildly unfocused but Ruby does have intermittent camp value fans of ’70s horror cinema should dig. VCI’s Blu-ray is no beauty by any means, though it’s likely to be the best this poorly-shot feature will get.
The Midnight Man Review – Don’t Hate The Game, Hate The Players
Written by Travis Zariwny
Directed by Travis Zariwny
Travis Zariwny’s The Midnight Man is largely a robotic hide-and-seek slog, yet if dissected in butchered chunks, smaller bites range from delicious destruction to utterly incompetent character work. Judging by the bloodthirsty opening sequence alone, you’d think Zariwny is about to blow our morality-siding minds. A sad misconception, I’m afraid. After our hopes skyrocket, mechanical plot devices are pinned to a storyboard with the utmost lack of exploration. The Midnight Man’s game is afoot, but these players would barely compete against an opponent crafted from brick and mortar. Can someone calculate a handicap for them, please?
Gabrielle Haugh stars as Alex Luster, a caring granddaughter to Nana Anna (Lin Shaye). One night, upon the request of her not-always-there relative, Alex rummages through attic trunks for a silver-backed hand mirror. Instead she finds a nondescript wrapped box with what appears to be a game inside. Her crush Miles (Grayson Gabriel) has arrived by now, and after an incident where Anna requires medical attention from house-call doctor Harding (Robert Englund), the two friends begin playing whatever it was that caused Anna to screech in disapproval. You know, the only rational decision.
At the risk of sounding like a smug CinemaSins video, The Midnight Man would surely bomb any horror IQ test. Zariwny’s *first* piece of introduced information after discovering Midnight Man’s altar is quite simple – DANGER. DO NOT PLAY. IT JUST CAUSED A WOMAN TO FAINT. Nevertheless, our braindead sheeple follow careful rules to summon Mr. Midnight Man into their house – because, as horror movies have proven, tempting occult fates is buckets of fun! At least the characters don’t confess romantic feelings and makeout while another friend who joins the game late – “Creepy Pasta” obsessed Kelly (Emily Haine) – could already be in the Midnight Man’s clutches, that’d be – oh, right. That happens.
Senile Anna is another story altogether – Zariwny’s grey-haired red herring in the worst way. Lin Shaye injects so much destabilized madness into this energetic, midnight-perfect role, elevating herself into a stratosphere well above The Midnight Man itself. Whether she’s screaming about Alex’s disgusting blood, or ominously whispering dreadful remarks through a housewide intercom, or beating Robert Englund to a pulp with wide-eyed psychosis – well, if you’ve seen Dead End, you *know* the kind of batshitery Shaye is capable of. Her genre vet status on display like a damn clinic here.
Shaye – and even Englund – aside, scripting is too procedural to salvage any other performances. Kelly doesn’t even deserve mention given her “bring on death!” attitude and enthusiastic late entry INTO AN URBAN LEGEND’S DEATHTRAP – a poorly conceived “twist” with less structure. This leaves Grayson Gabriel and Haugh herself, two thinly-scripted cutouts who couldn’t find a more repetitive genre path to follow. There’s little mystery to the gonigs on, and neither actor manages to wrangle tension (even when staring our Midnight friend in the face…thing).
Scares are hard to come by because Zariwny opts for a more “charismatic” villain who talks like Scarecrow and appears as a dyed-black, cloaked Jack Skellington. He can form out of clouds and is a stickler for rules (candles lit at all times, 10 seconds to re-ignite, if you fail he exploits your deepest fear). Credit is noted given this villain’s backstory and strict instructions – which does make for a rather killer game of tag – but the need to converse and expose Midnight from shadows subtracts necessary mysticism. He’s a cocky demon with masks for each emotion (think woodland death imp emojis), but never the spine-tingling beast we find ourselves hiding from.
This is all a bummer because gore goes bonkers in the very first scene – with underage victims no less. One young player gets decapitated, another explodes into a red splattery mess (against fresh snowfall), but then a vacuous lull in process takes hold. It’s not until Alex’s fear of blood and Miles’ fear of pain that we get more eye-bulging squeamishness, then again when Kelly’s bunnyman appears. A no-bullshit, bunny-headed creature wearing a suit, which plays directly into Kelly’s deepest fear. When Zariwny gets sick and surreal, he scores – but it’s a disappointing “when.”
I take no pleasure in confirming that any small victory The Midnight Man claims is negated by kids who should’ve been offed for even thinking about a quick playthrough of Anna’s old-school entertainment. Invite him in, pour your salt circles and try to survive until 3:33AM – sounds easy, right? If the demon plays fair, you bet! But why would ANYONE trust a demon’s word? Makes sense given Alex and Miles’ ignorance of more red flags than a Minesweeper game, and a thrilling chase these bad decisions do not make.
The Midnight Man begins by striking a meteoric horror high, only to plummet back down towards repetitive genre bumbling once the game’s true – and less enticing – plot begins.
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