Directed by Christopher Ray
1 Body, 2 Heads and 6,000 Teeth declares the tagline.
More like 2 heads, many boobs and no brains.
2-Headed Shark Attack is a total Joe Bob Briggs kind of movie, if you know what that means. It’s more Piranha 3D than Mega Shark vs., more in the vein of a drive-in b-movie of the past than a Syfy original movie of today. Blood, boobs, and beast are the three b-movie fundamentals, and there is no shortage of all three b’s in this one.
Boobs – and I don’t mean Charlie O’Connell’s professor character since he was more of a putz than a boob – I mean actual boobs. Hardly a scene goes by without seeing a buxom young gal in a bikini top. Everywhere you look there’s ample cleavage staring back at you. The producers must have saved a fortune on wardrobe. This is supposed to be a semester at sea college class, but let me assure you there’s very little learning taking place on this boat. If you look at this collection of female students, almost all of which could be contestants in a Hooters bikini contest, and their male hardbody classmates, most of whom look like they could be cast members of “The Jersey Shore” and have an equal aversion to wearing shirts, this looks less like a floating classroom and more like a “Girls Gone Wild” party boat.
In fact, I wouldn’t even say this movie stars Brooke Hogan. I would say this movie stars Brooke Hogan’s cleavage. It is constantly on display at all times. I’m surprised the director even bothered to include her head in certain shots.
I also wouldn’t say this movie stars Carmen Electra either because, well, she’s barely in the movie, and all she’s there for is to provide yet another set of ample bosoms to ogle, whether they be in a tight tank top or in a bikini when she decides to get some sun, practically breaking the fourth wall when doing so by posing for the camera as if she were taking part in a swimsuit photo shoot. She does get to repeatedly yell the line “Get out of the goddamn water!” So I guess there was some acting involved.
It becomes apparent after a short while that the high body count is less a matter of gluttony and more because this two-headed shark just gets off on killing people. It swims past a guy making him think for a moment he’s going to be safe, then comes back around and bites his leg off, then comes back around to tail slap him high into the air, and finally leaps straight out of the water to double chomp this poor bastard to death on his way down. That’s not hunger. That shark is just being a dick. And it’s awesome.
There are some pretty creative and even gruesome kills in this one of the most entertaining movies The Asylum has ever produced. Even its shortcomings are more a source of amusement than a detriment. Thank goodness, too, because this movie is dumber than a bag of hammers.
Characters keep saying and doing things that defy common sense. One character will do something that would only make sense if this character had somehow heard what had just been discussed in a motorboat many, many, many yards away. That same character can actually get a phone signal out in the middle of the ocean but never during their stranding does he or anyone else think to try and use his phone to place a rescue call. The deckhands don’t speak a word of English; yet, they completely understand when spoken to in English. The captain of the boat gets eaten when she scubas down to weld a crack in the hull, but it takes what felt like hours before anyone onboard noticed she had yet to resurface.
By the third act… what can I say? Anything goes nonsense. The atoll begins crumbling into the sea! Random tsunamis! Random shark attacks! Random explosions! There’s a gigantic 2-headed shark that can seemingly cause earthquakes by ramming into the atoll, and people are trying to fight it off with nothing more than pointy sticks! If the zombified corpse of Jacques Cousteau had suddenly emerged from the watery depths to try and suck their brains out through his rebreather, I wouldn’t have been at all shocked.
The student I jokingly dubbed “M. Night Horshack” (you’ll understand why when you see the actor) deduces that the shark is attracted to the electrical currents generated by boat engines and underwater welding torches. He didn’t mention how the electricity generated when a guy and two girls have a naked ménage a trois in the surf could also set its appetite into motion. The shark took so long to finally move in for the kill during that ménage a trois scene I began to wonder if it had stopped to watch when the two girls starting making out.
The quality of the two-headed shark effects are all over the map, at worst like animation from a very high-end video game. The inarticulate practical shark heads used during close-up shots of the actors getting munched on are laughably unconvincing in a charmingly b-movie sort of way.
My only real quibble with the effects work would be how there appeared to be next to no continuity in regard to the actual size of the shark. Its first appearance would have you thinking each head was the size of a Megalodon. Often it looked like Jaws with two large heads. Other times it was almost as big as the school boat. Then we’ll see it attack completely submerged in shallow water; afterwards, Brooke Hogan still gets to utter a line about how the shark can’t attack in shallow water because it’s so big. The exact size of this shark with two heads changed so often I kept waiting for a scene where it jumped out of a sink.
If you’ve read this review and you think this movie sounds like it’s for you, then this movie is for you, and if not, I would strongly advise you to stay as far away from 2-Headed Shark Attack as possible. Me? I was thoroughly entertained for 80 minutes and had far more fun watching this than I did Shark Night.
Two heads. Many boobs. No brains. Three and a half knives. Joe Bob says, “Check it out.”
3 1/2 out of 5
Zena’s Period Blood: Dying for a DEAD END
It can be difficult finding horror films of quality, so allow me to welcome you to your salvation from frustration. “Zena’s Period Blood” is here to guide you to the horror films that will make you say, “This is a good horror. Point blank. PERIOD.”
“Zena’s Period Blood” focuses on under-appreciated and hidden horror films.
How do you turn $900,000 into $77,000,000? Offer directors Jean-Baptiste Andrea and Fabrice Canepa the initial amount and give them the freedom to let their minds wander. In 2003, both directors accomplished this unimaginable feat with Dead End. Under the clouds of a small budget, typical poster and insubstantial trailer, most viewers forecasted one long stretch of boredom. However, 15 minutes in and I was as hooked as a pervert in a strip club with his tax refund money. In 83 minutes, the movie unravels and exposes intelligent craftsmanship with story, acting and location, introducing us to the Harrington family and their demise.
After 20 years following the same route, Frank Harrington (Ray Wise) decides to take his family down a shortcut to his in-laws home during Christmas Eve. Wife Laura (Lin Shaye) sings in the passenger seat, serving as the optimistic family unifier who is often ignored by her husband and children. Behind Frank is their oldest child Marion (Alexandra Holden), unnervingly sheltered under the arm of her soon-to-be fiancé, Brad. And forever mom’s favorite boy is Richard (Mick Cain), who rocks out to Marilyn Manson blaring in his headphones. After this brief introduction to the characters and their distinct personalities, we witness everyone fall asleep, including Frank, who refuses to let anyone else drive.
Several seconds pass before the Jeep Wagoneer veers into the opposite lane. Gradually, a honk pleads from an approaching car, startling the Harrington family and forcing Frank to fight with the wheel until he brings the Jeep to a stop. Wide-awake, the family begins to move forward, now entrapped on a new, never-ending road.
I could elaborate on so many scary details in the movie, but the never-ending road stands out the most. What makes it worse is that there are signs for a town called Marcott, with an arrow indicating the town is straight ahead. But the Harringtons never reach the town. This scares me because I believe that every human being has a mental list of things they are scared of or things they should keep an eye out for in certain situations. Unfortunately, this movie exists to expand that list. What sucks for me is that my husband likes taking back roads. Because I strive to have a happy marriage and a peaceful death, I usually fall asleep to avoid an argument and the grim reaper, both of which usually exist on these particular roads. However, I never imagined that a back road could become a never-ending road. Man that would suck!
Speaking of never-ending, the directors became devils of discomfort by never really showing the deceased’s mutilated body, leaving your brain struggling to piece together the unseen image long after the movie ends. Throughout the movie, the family and Brad are picked off one by one. We mainly suffer these devatations through the reactions of the family members that are still alive, sometimes witnessing them lift a severed ear or caress a charred hand. This movie taught me that I can still taste bile at the back of my throat when a mutilation is suggested rather than shown.
Directors Andrea and Canepa accomplished greatness in Dead End with little time and little money. It is a testament that imagination coupled with skill is the true combination to capturing a big budget feel. I hope that all the individuals behind this movie have a long, never-ending road ahead of them because they have delivered brilliance to the world. This is a good horror. Point blank. Period.
In addition to contributing to Dread Central, Zena Dixon has been writing about all things creepy and horrific for over six years at RealQueenofHorror.com. She has always loved horror films and will soon be known directing her own feature-length horror. Feel free to follow her on Twitter @LovelyZena.
Who Goes There Podcast: Ep 164 – THE CLEANSE
Wait no longer, boils and ghouls! Today is the day you’ve been waiting for; today is the day we sink our teeth into 2018’s The Cleanse! What’s that? You’ve never heard of The Cleanse?! Well, neither had we, but horror releases are slim pickings right now, so we take what we can get. At least we can all agree that we’ve been dying to see Johnny Galecki in something other than Big Bang Theory, right? No? Well, fuck. Here’s an episode about his new movie anyway. What are we even doing?
It was crazy of me to think I could help the police, but I’m going to keep researching, keep writing, there are stories that need to be told, so… here’s the Who Goes There Podcast episode 164!
If you enjoy the show, please consider joining our Patreon subscribers. For less than the cost of a beer, you get bonus content, exclusive merchandise, special giveaways, and you get to help us continue doing what we love.
The Who Goes There Podcast is available to subscribe to on iTunes right here. Not an iTunes user? You can listen on our Dread Central page. Can’t get enough? We also do that social media shit. You’ll find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Twitch, and YouTube.
GIRLS NIGHT 2 Review – A Terrifying Halloween Treat
If you love Halloween as much as I do, you probably also love horror films that take place on Halloween. French Writer/Director David Teixeira uses Halloween as the backdrop for his eerie short horror film Girls Night, which we reviewed here. The film tells the story of three friends who decide to play Bloody Mary and end up butchered by a creepy masked killer. Filmmaker Teixeira skillfully uses atmosphere and impressive cinematography to heighten the scares.
Teixeira is back with Girls Night 2 which will be released in October just in time for Halloween. The only survivor of the massacre, Jess (Marina De Sousa), is suffering from nightmares and insomnia because she was blamed for the murder of her friends. It’s a year later and Halloween and she is staying with Pierre (Vincent Conty). To calm Jess’s nerves they decide to watch a short film their friend David (David Teixeira) made, but Jess can’t stay awake. In her dreams the masked killer is back and wielding a pair of scissors. The film ends in utter confusion and a bloody mess. Is it real or is it a dream and who is the killer? You’ll have to watch the short to find out.
The performances are strong and believable and actress Marina De Sousa is remarkable as Jess. Like the original, Girls Night 2 delivers an exciting amount of intensity and panic in only around thirteen minutes. I highly suggest experiencing both of these short films while wearing headphones to really amp up the terror. Girls Night 2 is currently a semi-finalist at Los Angeles Cinefest and winner for Best Foreign Film at the $2 Dollar Film Festival. The award winning short film Girls Night is available on YouTube and you can watch the Girls Night 2 teaser trailer below.
Girls Night 2 delivers an impressive amount of intense scares worthy of a feature length film in just under thirteen minutes.
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