My Stepdad’s a Freakin’ Vampire (2011)

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My Stepdad's a Freakin' VampireStarring Lachen Anajjar, Larry Peterson, Brandon Martin, John Redmond, Casey Myers

Directed by David Matheny

My Stepdad’s a Freakin’ Vampire

And your movie’s a freakin’ bore!

I was very tempted to just end this review with that one line and make a bad joke out of it. There really isn’t much more that needs to be said. I was so bored after an hour I decided I had to turn it off and take a break before finishing it, at which point I noticed the clock on the DVD player indicated only 32 minutes had passed. It sure felt like twice as long.

My Stepdad’s a Freakin’ Vampire is a horror comedy you’ll have a hard time figuring out was meant to be a comedy. Humor is so nonexistent it plays more like a straight horror movie punctuated with dumb characters that make it impossible to take seriously. I wasn’t laughing and most of the time I wasn’t even aware there was anything I was supposed to be laughing at. I’ve seen Holocaust movies that displayed more flashes of wit than this. The script is so witless and the horror so toothless it renders the entire exercise worthless. It doesn’t succeed at anything other than being a prime example of how not to make a horror comedy.

My Stepdad’s a Freakin’ Vampire is the sort of gimmicky title that implies you’re about to watch a lively romp; yet, it’s mostly directed with the lethargic aplomb of a somber mood piece. That might have a lot to do with the score being so positively dreary it could be included in a white noise machine to serve as a sleep aide. I was bored enough to begin with; now the soundtrack is trying to lull me asleep.

Where’s the zaniness the title implies? Was it lost in translation because the talky script is so lame and the performances are so wooden you could kill a vampire by driving the actors through its heart?

The only reason I’m giving this lifeless movie even a one-knife rating is because I have to admit the creature make-up during the finale is pretty darn cool. The finale is the only time it registers a pulse, a faint one at that. But getting to that finale… Sheesh! What a chore sitting through this was.

If anyone feels the need to complain that I haven’t described a single aspect of the plot in this review, just pick up the DVD for yourself, flip it over, and you’ll see the distributors couldn’t be bothered to include a plot synopsis either. Maybe that’s because even they realized there’s no movie here.

1 out of 5

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