Anna Review – I’m Thinking That We Might Have Played With This Doll Already
Matt Boiselle
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Starring Justin Duncan, Gerald Crum, Kristin Cochell
Directed by Michael Crum
Oh, those ragged, haggard-looking vehicles of sinister overtaking, stuffed inside a seemingly harmless piece of childhood recreation and companionship…how they’ve gotten so much of a bad name in the stretch of their cinematic existence…almost as if these dolls’ little legs actually WANTED to march themselves down our throats for the umpteenth time.
Michael Crum’s Anna isn’t necessarily a complete mirroring of the rosy-cheeked conduit from The Conjuring series, but it comes painstakingly close, and at the risk of sounding more malcontented than I normally am, this one spoke to me in volumes as soon as I laid my eyes on the artwork. The film itself follows the exploits of two brothers (Duncan and Crum) whose hopefully burgeoning YouTube channel will set the internet on fire after their latest paranormal plan comes into place. Their insanely-intelligent scheme? Well, they’re going to break into the local paranormal museum (easily accessible, without a doubt) and make off with said possessed doll. After pilfering the porcelain passageway (so many Ps), they’ll document their experiences with the little moppet over the course of the week – now I ask in all honesty – what could possibly go wrong?
With the overload of astute horror fans that come to this site, I’d be mistaken if I thought that no one would know exactly what happens next: you got it, kiddies – there’s some seriously malevolent action drumming up from this cherubic antique, and the fellas aren’t quite sure how to deal with its power. The movie, while attempting to scare the pants off of us (failure) also exerts itself in painful fashion, buddy-comedy style – an even bigger belly flop into a shallow pool. While we’re on the technical merits (or lack thereof) in the film – just who in the Hostess Twinkie hell was in charge of the lighting here? Was the electric bill not paid? Did someone re-invent the TapLight? Holy jumping Christmas shit, this movie suffered some bigger blackout issues than New York City back in 1977. I’d love to sit here and bash my digits against the keyboard in frustration-related anger towards this monstrosity, but I’ll leave it up to the masses to decide whether or not to bypass this complete mess – (hint) – run and hide…all I’m gonna say.
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Film
Summary
Time to stuff all of these little possessed dollies inside a sieve-like construction crate, and drop it into the deepest point of the ocean, all in the hopes of a quick burial at sea.
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