Directed by Justin Timpane
Imagine a world, much like our own, but underneath the surface the balance of power is precarious. Our daily survival as a species lies not in our hands, but the hands of very special group of people. People who have sacrificed any chance at a normal life, knowing that they serve a greater purpose. They fight to keep the powers of darkness from feeding upon us, draining our numbers from the earth; like so much precious blood from our veins.
Yeah, I didn’t watch that movie. I watched Ninjas vs. Vampires. Basically the same plot, only far more complicated and with more Twilight jokes.
The basic idea is this: The surviving members of the magical ninja squad from Ninjas vs. Zombies return, and they have been culling the vampire population around town.
Everything was status quo (as status quo as an underground war between 2 ninjas (Daniel Ross and Cory Okouchi), a witch (Melissa McConnell) and a vampire who only feeds on other vampires (Carla Okouchi) and an opposing vampire army can be) when Aaron (Jay Saunders) and Alex (Devon Marie Burt) find themselves at the wrong place at the wrong time and Aaron, sporting the raw charisma of Jason London, becomes the third ninja joining in the fight.
I should let you know, If you didn’t see Ninjas vs. Zombies you don’t train to become a ninja- you get made by the team witch zapping you in the chest until you get your cosmic blackbelt.
I could have flown with the movie to this point, keep it in the vein of Vampires team of killers taking down vamps- they get in over their head…blah blah blah. Could have had fun.
But instead we got a convoluted story line involving dead lovers, an amulet, a portal that kills vampires and vamps that include: a hulking baddie (sounding for all the world like a kid pretending to be his dad on the phone), a Rastafarian with a gun, an insane killer looking like a borg dominatrix, a warrior dressed like one of the jabberwockiez dance team, and two idiots trying to do a british accent that serve only the purpose of yelling “THE BOB!” when the Rastafarian with the gun shows up.
I can’t tell you for sure what the bad guys wanted- there were at least four main baddies, all of which seemed to have a different agenda- yet none conflicted with each other. They either wanted to kill the ninjas, get the amulet, get “her” (whoever the hell her was) or create a new race of vampires.
Then ending goes for a few surprises, which are fairly predictable. You never get the impression anyone is in too much trouble. The stakes (dear god forgive the pun) are only raised briefly when one of the ranks is killed. Even at that, the death is soon forgotten and all systems are normal.
This could have been fun, the idea certainly is- but in the end, it’s too unfocused and it’s tone too uneven. Some of the actors clearly are martial artists, which isn’t always great as they tend to be the ones that have the most trouble making screen fighting look good. As for the CGi- it ranges from passable to terrible. You are doing a low budget horror film, fake blood costs nothing- don’t do a throat slit with CGI.
Daniel Ross is the standout in the cast, actually providing likability and much needed humor
I can’t recommend spending your time on it, but it won’t kill you if you find yourself watching it.
2 out of 5
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