Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Steven Seagal, Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba
Directed by Robert Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis
Distributed by Fox Home Entertainment
Ever since the mock trailers of the Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez Grindhouse experience were first shown off to the public, the one property everyone was hot to see turned into a feature length flick was Danny Trejo in Machete. Years later the feature finally came, and sadly the whole in-joke thing seemed a bit too little, too late. Let’s start off with the plot crunch, shall we?
Danny Trejo plays Machete, a Mexican. Ten minutes in Danny Trejo plays Machete, a Mexican wronged by crime kingpin Torrez (Seagal). Fifteen minutes in we meet an evil Senator named McLaughlin (De Niro) who doesn’t like Mexicans. Especially a Mexican portrayed by Danny Trejo named Machete. Twenty minutes in Danny Trejo plays Machete, a Mexican who is an object of desire for Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba, and anyone else in the movie with a vagina. About forty minutes in Danny Trejo plays Machete, a Mexican who has been double-crossed obviously because he is Mexican and the bad guys in the movie, which include Don Johnson and Jeff Fahey, don’t like Mexicans. Around the hour mark Danny Trejo plays Machete, a very pissed off Mexican with vengeance on his mind. Later on it is revealed that all of the above Mexican hating bad guys are working together toward one common goal: eliminate Danny Trejo’s character of Machete, the coolest and most badass Mexican to ever walk Mexico or anywhere else.
If there is anything to learn from this feature length version of Machete, it is that Danny Trejo is really a Mexican and not a Mexican’t. Blood and gore flow freely at first, as does the fun, but by the time you end this chop-happy affair, it seems like all the machismo has worn thin on this particular Mexican slashfest, leading to a sloppy and ridiculously anti-climatic ending.
If you have the tech, Blu-ray is obviously the way to go because in 1080p you can really tell just how Mexican Danny Trejo is as Machete. The 5.1 DTS soundtrack provides the best sounding Mexican soundscape you could ever imagine. For DVD owners things look and sound decently Mexican but not quite as Mexican as they do in glorious high definition. Both packages do, however, rock the same haul of supplemental material, which is sadly on the lean side.
There are an audience reaction track that was taped at one of the film’s premieres that’s actually a fun way to watch along, several deleted scenes that include a whole other subplot completely removed from the film (probably because of its blatant lack of Mexicans), trailers, and a digital copy. Really? That’s it? This package should have been packing enough goods to make it worthy of its spot on your shelf. Instead it feels like a cheap Mexican knock-off.
Machete is the type of experience that makes you feel as if Danny Trejo is sitting next to you masturbating to the fact of just how Mexican he is, while holding up a blinking neon Mexico sign that’s playing “La Raspa” through a tiny bullhorn. Sure it’s festive and fun at first, but by the time the mariachi band has played its ninth horn-laden rendition of “La Cucaracha”, you just kind of want them to go away so you can eat your burrito in peace.
3 out of 5
2 1/2 out of 5
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