Zombies (2016)
Matt Boiselle
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Starring Steven Luke, Tony Todd, Raina Hein
Directed by Hamid Torabpour
Where to begin? Where to begin? My god, I truly feel as if the undead well has run as dry as the ground here in my beloved, drought-wracked Connecticut – so much that the latest zombie movie to come down the pipe, that contains zombies…was ever so thought-provokingly titled (you ready for this) – Zombies. Hold onto your wigs, umbrellas, and loosely harnessed children, everyone – this one’s gonna blow you away.
From director Hamid Torabpour and Cameron Romero comes the latest flaming bag of celluloid poo to be lit and ever so gently flung on our doorsteps. The schematic for this fecal-fest is so blatantly mapped out that even the beloved Stevie Wonder could walk this one backwards and tell you exactly what was coming around each and every corner. The film follows a couple of survivors (Luke and the icon, Tony Todd) as they attempt to not only protect the last place they’ve become accustomed to, but lead a small band of survivor-groupies to safety, all the while ducking, dodging, and digitally shooting large holes in the now-soft skulls of those zombies – just in case you needed a refresher as to the title of the film. Amid the collection of folks that need savin’, we’ve got a couple of former mattress-pals in the mix, and a bad-ass chick with a Governor-like eyepatch that holds some very odd piece of control over the undead – she walks unscathed, and seems generally at ease with her existence all the while.
Now I love Tony Todd and the roles he’s presented in the past, even met him on one occasion and thought he was quite the cool fella, but this role was like watching someone attempt to get dressed after a bender in the dark – stumbling, bumbling and needlessly wasting time as lines like “I hate zombies!” were uttered with fervent effluance. The CGI is horrifically placed, and the only true redeeming factor here is the tempo in which the battles between the living and the dead are paced, but even that grows old after, I don’t know…1000 zombie-flicks over the years? When all is said and done, there perhaps may be some fans of the undead that will chew this one up and amorously digest every low-budgeted bit of it, but for this undeniably jaded cat, these Zombies are a terrific embodiment of how I feel when watching another film like this one: DEAD INSIDE.
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Film
Categorized:Reviews
