Bottom of the Bargain Bin: Joe’s Diner (Video Game)
Ted Hentschke
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“Open 24 hours, except for those 8 hours at night where the ghosts come out and someone has to clean the tables”
Developed by Visual Imagination Software
Available on PC through Steam
Suitable for any age capable of figuring out how a keyboard works
Before I even start my first shift at Joe’s Diner, I struggle to find a reason why I took this job. Between the warring spirits of Native American chieftains, the awful close to 6 AM schedule, or the diner’s description as out of the way and of little consequence, it doesn’t seem like an ideal employment situation. This isn’t a Five Nights at Freddy’s deal, where I didn’t know there would be murder involved until I got there. Cleaning tables and quelling vengeful spirits was the job description.
A janitorial simulator? Be still my beating heart!
But hey, they needed a “vacation replacement” (I have no idea what that is, or what employment agency would send me to the ass end of Route 7 for a month of bussing tables/ghost coddling), and the work is straightforward enough. After the diner closes, all you have to do is clean the tables. Just be sure to keep the noise down, or else the slumbering spirits will awaken and… I think kill you? It’s kind of vague, but nebulously bad is still bad, so avoid it.
I can’t tell if this is a jump scare or a 90’s PSA about saving the environment.
Even with the bare bones plot, it can be confusing to understand why random televisions and coffee makers are turning on, so here’s the plot as best I can understand it. Grim Feather and Laughing Bird were both proud chieftains at war with one another in life, but Laughing bird was more of a dick about it. So while Grim Feather just wants to be dead, Laughing Bird wants to torment his nemesis from beyond the grave. His grand master plan? Make a bunch of noise and wake Grim Feather up like a grumpy alcoholic father. And just like a grumpy alcoholic father, Grim Feather will beat on the first thing in his line of sight, which is unfortunately you. Thanks Laughing Bird for putting me in the middle of your centuries old vendetta. That’s so mature.
So your job is dual janitorial and nanny. You’ll go from table to table, making sure each is clean, and one at a time collect trash to haul back to the bin in the kitchen. Over. And over. And over. Again. Sound boring? Don’t worry! It’s made exciting by the ghost shenanigans messing with random electronics around the diner. So not only do you have to escort quest a bunch of shit from table to trash can, but you also have to run around pressing E to not die. Oh yay!
I’d make a joke about how this is where the game belongs, but that would require the trash to be on fire.
There are other games with similarly silly premises that do fine. Like Five Nights at Freddy’s. And Five Nights at Freddy’s 2. And Five Nights at Freddy’s 3. Not Five Night at Freddy’s 4 though. 🙁 But what makes those games is a sense of tension and genuinely great visuals. Joe’s Diner has neither of those and a stupider plot.
I’ve played a lot of shitty games in my day, but mostly because they are offensively bad. This is one of the few games I’ve played that are just so dull that it hurts. It takes no risks and reaps no rewards. When a game just utterly fails, at least it was trying to do something. Joe’s Diner never even tries to jog out of the gate. It was doomed to be dull before the first line of code was programmed.
There is absolutely no enjoyment to be had playing this game. It can’t even be enjoyed ironically as schlock. It’s a functional flash game, that by the grace of hardly passable screenshot visuals manages to masquerade as a $7 game. Please do not buy it, even to see how bad it is. There is not an ounce of fun to be had here.
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Negative
Categorized:Horror Gaming Reviews
