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SuicideGirls Must Die! (DVD)

SuicideGirls Must Die! on DVDReviewed by Uncle Creepy

Starring The SuicideGirls

Directed by Sawa Suicide

Distributed by First Look Studios


The SuicideGirls and the horror genre go together like two lovably deranged peas in a sick little pod. I mean, who can’t love a group who pride themselves on being naked tattooed chicks? When the announcement came that they would be starring in their very own slasher flick, it seemed like a no-brainer. They have the T&A part down like a motherfucker so to add some violence into the mix? It has to be good times, right?

The plot is quite simple: The girls pack up and head to middle-of-nowhere Maine for a calendar shoot in which their every moment will be captured on film via hand-held cameras, stationary cameras in their cabin, and even a special confessional booth. It’s reality television at its finest, and the girls are in their naked glory, having a great time for the most part until they start disappearing one by one.

Perfect slasher movie fodder. But something has gone horribly awry in terms of crafting these events into a movie. Let me give you an example of how this flick plays out …

SuicideGirls Must Die! on DVDSuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker. SuicideGirls get together. Get naked for a photo shoot. One disappears. SuicideGirls bicker.

It was like watching the same five-minute scene over and over again for ninety minutes. As a guy, I never thought I’d be getting bored by watching naked chicks, but wow. Combine that with the fact that there’s barely any gore and every “kill” takes place off screen, and what do you have? A whole lot of nothing, that’s what.

The girls themselves are entertaining and quite funny at times, and there are a few moments when you think that things may just be coming together, but ultimately this whole thing feels more like supplemental material for a calendar shoot than it does an actual film. Yep, this is one big missed opportunity.

The special features don’t help much either. You get a few SuicideGirl trailers, Rigel’s post-movie confession, and a photo gallery filled with tiny pictures of the models themselves just about fully clothed. Um … really?

This is a hard one to rate. If you’re a big fan of the SuicideGirls, then you NEED this for your collection! As a promotional tool this is without a doubt a five-star affair, but beyond that? Not so much.

Special Features

  • Rigel confession
  • Photo gallery
  • Trailers

    Film

    1 out of 5

    Special Features

    2 out of 5

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    Comments

    Steve Barton

    You're such an inspiration for the ways that I will never, ever choose to be.