Transylmania (DVD)

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Apr 21, 2010
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Transylmania on DVDReviewed by Uncle Creepy

Starring Oren Skoog, Patrick Cavanaugh, James DeBello, Jennifer Lyons, Paul H. Kim, Irena A. Hoffman, Musetta Vander

Directed by David & Scott Hillenbrand

Distributed by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

I knew this was going to be bad. Yet, no amount of expectation could prepare me for just how wretched Transylmania was. Directors David and Scott Hillenbrand apparently figured that the time was right for them to try and ride the Twilight bandwagon with their alleged comedy about college dimwits spending a semester at a Transylvanian university that used to be a vampire’s castle. The duo then renamed their flick, which was originally known as Dorm Daze 3, to Transylmania and then somehow organized a 1,000-theater release whereby it grossed a whopping $397,641. These are the facts as we know them.

I’m not going to bother writing a review for the actual film itself. If you really want to know the ins and outs, read the Foywonder’s Transylmania review here. He covered it all. I have nothing to add.

Instead, I’ve decided out of spite to build you guys a list of activities that would no doubt be more fun than ever sitting through this blundering mess of a movie.

  • Beer barrel polka.
  • Nipple tweaking.
  • Pretending to be a living statue.
  • Practicing the patented action movie car hood slide™.
  • Shadow puppets.
  • Carving tiny wooden busts of Little Richard.
  • Freeing the lions in the name of Mandela at the Big Apple Circus.
  • Rubbing the headstone of Lobster Boy Grady Stiles.
  • Plinko.
  • Fashioning the world’s largest rubber band ball.
  • Handing out black balloons while dressed as the Grim Reaper at the local old folks home.
  • Listening to the musical stylings of high pitched and portly deceased superstar Tiny Tim on “repeat” until madness sets in.
  • Finally auctioning off that coveted and thought to be missing bitten-off Evander Holyfield ear chunk.
  • Rolling like a newborn baby across an insurmountable wave of belly fat on the heaviest woman we can find.
  • Shaving the dead.

    • Yep. All winners for sure and far more entertaining than Transylmania was. For those gluttons for punishment out there who will not heed my warning, the DVD is sporting an array of special features that you will never want to watch. They’re listed below if you’re at all curious. Though not a bad haul, there’s just one problem … they discuss the making of this pitiful flick, which renders them flaccid and unfunny by default. Not even the gag reel packs a single noteworthy chuckle. It’s like taking part in a science experiment to see just how vapid one film can be.

    Throughout the entire time spent with this DVD, I didn’t even come close to cracking a single smile … and I’m someone who got a few laughs out of Stan Helsing. This, dear reader, is the bottom of the barrel. It truly doesn’t get much worse. Steer clear of this flick. Shun it. Avoid it like a blind Thai she-male hooker with a stinging case of priapism and really bad aim.

    Special Features

  • Filmmakers and Cast Commentary
  • Alternate Opening and Ending with Optional Commentary
  • Deleted and Extended Scenes with Optional Commentary
  • Gag Reel
  • Behind-the-Scenes Featurette
  • Stoner Trailer

    Film

    1/2 out of 5

    Special Features

    2 1/2 out of 5

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