Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Stephen Grey, Art Hindle, Pollyana McIntosh, Tommy Nelson
Directed by Andrew van den Houten
Distributed by Lionsgate Home Entertainment
You just can’t help but worry about the cinematic future for Jack Ketchum. The man has written some truly phenomenal books, but when it comes time for said films to be translated to the big screen, much like Stephen King, the ball not only gets dropped, but it also rolls away never to be found again. Nowhere is this more apparent than in this latest adaptation, Offspring. Sweet Jesus, what a mess.
For those unfamiliar with the tale, Offspring follows the exploits of a feral family who kill, rape, and eat their victims in whichever order they seem to be in the mood for. Really, except for a few twists and turns this is the story of one family’s quest to live through the nightmare of encountering these human beasts.
At its core this flick is sporting lots of everything we horror fans are looking for in a film. There’s tons of gore, a helping of nudity, and plenty of sick to go around. So what’s the problem? There are just no bones for all this meat to latch onto. The direction is borderline lazy, the script lifeless, and the editing is strikingly amateurish. There are no characters to get behind and no plot to really speak of, and other than a couple of cool gross-out moments, there’s absolutely nothing to see here.
Even the feral family themselves never come off as intimidating. Don’t even get me started on the kids with the Caucasian afro wigs. Really, guys? Really? Sorry, but getting chased around by two, three-foot tall kids who look like they were abandoned by Lenny Kravitz in the Ozarks doesn’t exactly scream scary.
On the good side of the fence the DVD and the Blu-ray are pretty stacked extras-wise, and it should be noted that both packages are pretty much identical. Yes, the Blu-ray looks and sounds better, but you should expect that by now. Things kick off with a fairly enjoyable commentary track with writer Jack Ketchum, director/producer Andrew van den Houten, and producer/cinematographer William M. Miller. It’s a good listen, but something tells me that after watching the film, you won’t exactly be inclined to dig into the extras, especially one that entails sitting through this flick … again.
From there we get your basic making-of along with an amusing featurette detailing the arrest and bailout of one of the film’s principal characters. I shit you not. Also included are several webisodes, a photo gallery, a music video by Warbringer, and a printable script. Not too shabby! Too bad the movie, well, sucks.
I never thought I’d ever see the day in which a film featuring a scene that has a Wildman taking a bite out of a chick’s vagina and then spitting it back out on her stomach could ever be boring. Yet, this is it. Offspring is as lame as they come. Out of this latest crop of Ghost House Underground tales, this is hands down the biggest stinker.
Sorry, Jack. You truly deserve better than this. Ugh.
2 out of 5
3 1/2 out of 5
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