Reviewed by Nomad
Voiced by Tom Papa, Sheri Moon Zombie, Rosario Dawson, Paul Giamatti, Bill Moseley, Sid Haig, Ken Foree, Daniel Roebuck, Harland Williams, Cassandra Peterson, Clint Howard, Dee Wallace, Rob Paulsen, Tura Satana, Danny Trejo
Directed by Rob Zombie
Distributed by Anchor Bay Entertainment
The Haunted World of El Superbeasto is a project Rob Zombie says he and his crew have been working on since The Devil’s Rejects. As other endeavors presented themselves, Superbeasto was pushed aside like an odd little hobby, and when free time arose, Team Zombie would begin heaping more body parts onto their monstrous creation. Four years later their sideshow attraction is complete, ready to terrify an unsuspecting populace … but not how you think. The opening was vintage and fantastic, leaving me grinning from ear to ear, but as soon as the title left the screen, something went horribly wrong.
El Superbeasto (Papa) is a former “mega star” of the big screen who now banks on his waning fame with commercial endorsements and the occasional porn film. He’s always up for a fight or a lay … and sometimes at the same time. Supernatural wackiness always ensues, sucking in his sultry eye patch-wearing sister Suzy X (Moon Zombie) and her manservant/horny transforming bodyguard robot. In this particular tale Dr. Satan (Giamatti) teams up with his smart ape henchman to track down the lady with a 666 on her rear. Super stripper Velvet Von Black (Dawson doing her best Lil Kim) fits the bill and is whisked away to wed Dr. Satan with Superbeasto in turgid pursuit and Suzy X taking up the rear (and not literally … at least in this scene), followed by an army of undead Nazis. If Dr. Satan can wed the lusty wench, he’ll transform into a super Satan and destroy the world!!! PHEW. Let me take this opportunity to say — FOR FUCK’S SAKE??!!
If you thought there was enough going on already, you forget that Mr. Zombie loves his cameos and thought Superbeasto would be the perfect stage to parade all his favorite characters on including the Firefly Family, Michael Myers, Tura Satana, and every classic monster you could imagine. He also manages to express his love for John K. (of “Ren and Stimpy” fame, whose style is maliciously ripped off all through this movie), Schoolhouse Rock and Fritz the Cat. All these elements are tossed into the animation blender and set for “puree”, then poured out onto your lap like a magic trick gone dreadfully wrong … only the magician won’t acknowledge it and is still flourishing for fifteen minutes as you sit in soggy filth.
MORE INFO, you scream!! You argue that Rob Zombie still rules and kicks mighty ass and you’ll support anything he does. I’m inclined to agree and championed Halloween 2 right up to the moment I watched it … and STILL held high hopes for Superbeasto, which myself and scores of my friends eagerly awaited for over a year now. Sadly, when we sat down for our mini private screening, we lasted a whopping twenty minutes before we realized the people to our left and right were wincing as if someone was sticking pins in their eyes and voted to switch to something less masochistic. This movie made me think that the genius creators of “Drawn Together” were driven mad when no one would make a feature length version of their show so they created Superbeasto to destroy the world. On a more minimalist track, it can be argued that Superbeasto appears to have been created by an elite hit squad of horny thirteen-year-old boys who took a break from World of Warcraft one night to eat pizza rolls and craft their ultimate cartoon.
Nipples, nipples, nipples … so many they turned me away from breasts for almost a day. There are more cartoon breasts here than in a Pamela Anderson home movie. If you thought Zombie’s characters cursed a lot before, brace yourself. To say the language in this film is extremely juvenile would be an understatement of monumental proportions. Every curse in the book is laid out with glee, and even recited like a Shakespearean soliloquy by Suzy X, on more than one occasion. Said curses are strung together with the hippest street slang known to man, borrowed meticulously from the choicest episodes of “The PJ’s”. To add further pain, we get little melodies throughout the film as theme songs for characters or just to add curses where no one is talking at any given moment.
THREE funny moments make for a total of nine seconds of laughter I got out of this animated feature, and as you recall, I went in really trying to like it! I’m proud to say one of those moments is stolen by our buddy Sid Haig as Captain Spaulding, attempting to get a little clown business done. Eighty minutes seemed like three hours as my ears bled from the obnoxious voices of the title character and his sister romping through Monsterland, smacking the forefathers of animation in the face with a fourteen-inch dildo every inch of the way. After watching this film, the only emotion I’m left with is confusion. I honestly have no idea whom this film is marketed toward and look forward to playing 20 Questions with any man, woman, or horny child on the street who says they loved this technicolor abomination. Avoid this movie at all costs, and hold your breath as you pass it on the racks.
1/2 out of 5
1 out of 5
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