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Las Vegas Abductions, The (2009)

The Las Vegas Abductions ReviewReviewed by The Foywonder

Starring Michele Hailey, Phil Valentine, Tim Delaney, Beverly Lynne, Ryan Silverman, Bianca Paris

Directed by Michael Ricks

From Sunstone Pictures


Exotic dancer turned hypnotherapist Cindy is engaged to Doctor William. Dr. William used to date Kim and has a hot tub quickie with her during the few minutes Cindy and Kim’s boyfriend Tom got out of the tub to go get some more liquor. Dr. William is also cheating on Cindy with his nurse, the one that wears slinky, low-cut black dresses to work. Kim is seeking hypnotherapy from Cindy about her anxiety attacks that may stem from an alien abduction. Kim wants to break Cindy and William up by convincing Cindy that William cannot remain faithful. Cindy really wants to be taken seriously as a hypnotherapist, gets mad when her stripper past is brought up, and yet she still named her website “hypnoticdiva.com”. Tom is a Vegas radio show host that’s just sort of there.

Okay, you’re a member of a hideous alien race that can shape-shift into human form, you’re desperate to score some human sperm to repopulate your dying species, and you’ve landed in Las Vegas; surely there are a million different ways you could go about acquiring semen without having to stalk these four saps for 80+ minutes.

The Las Vegas Abductions is a terrible title for what is supposed to be a sexy sci-fi flick. More befitting titles like Mars Needs Sperm and Semen Stealers from Beyond the Stars probably would have sounded too pornographic even for a campy b-movie that partially qualifies as softcore porn.

Nowadays, late night Cinemax offerings amount to little more than nearly plotless porn movies minus the penetration or money shots, and often star porn actresses taking a break from the hardcore stuff appear in non-spunk drenching roles. I rather miss the good ol’ days of Skinemax when women named Shannon ruled the late night airwaves and softcore cinema still had pretenses of being real movies with actual plots. Like that one, the title of which escapes me at the moment, with Shannon Tweed in one of her all-too-rare roles as a sex therapist; she develops a blue liquid drug that can super duper enhance the sexual experience; it gets used in a series of murders, and naturally, she becomes the prime suspect. The cop investigating the murders comes to the conclusion that the best way to prove Tweed’s innocence is for both of them to take the drug and do it ’til the cows come home. Yeah, I miss those days.

So the first half of The Las Vegas Abductions being little more than a series of tepid sexual escapades – not that much nudity and the brief sex scenes are not explicit – with extraterrestrials operating as peeping toms from outer space didn’t fully put me off. I have to admit I was curious to see where all of this was going. Let me clarify that; I was curious to see if it was going to go anywhere at all.

It does finally go somewhere, sweeping all of the T&A completely out of the way in favor of a third-rate plot about hostile alien invaders still courteous enough to knock on car windows before attacking and the teenage alien hunter dressed like Fonzie with the power to shoot spaceman-disintegrating lightning from his hands. The sex half would be considered way too tame for Cinemax After Dark even back in the day and the sci-fi half wouldn’t even cut it on Syfy.

That Dr. William runs a sperm bank makes him a perfect target for body-snatching aliens in search of spooge. The aliens have a retro b-movie look that I really dug. What I didn’t dig was when they take on a human appearance; that actor just starts acting mildly retarded but in a dead-eyed serial killer sort of way.

Also lame: the acting. Beverly Lynne is a current regular on the late night cinema circuit and is easily the best actress in the cast, so why isn’t she the star? I couldn’t figure out how the woman portraying hypno bimbo Cindy got the lead role despite every piece of dialogue coming out of her mouth with a hesitation in her voice as if she memorized her lines phonetically. Then I noticed she also co-wrote the script, and it all began to make sense. I wonder if she wrote her own dialogue for that scene where she chides her alien-possessed fiancé: “Is that a boner? You perv! Get that thing away from me!”

They say what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. This one can stay in Vegas.

1 1/2 out of 5

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