Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Odette Yustman, Gary Oldman, James Remar, Megan Good, Jane Alexander, Cam Gigandet
Directed by David Goyer
Distributed by Universal Home Entertainment
The tagline for David Goyer’s The Unborn is an odd one — “Jumby wants to be born”. Jumby is the name given to the little demon festering beneath the belly-shirt of this flick’s nubile star Odette Yustman. Jumby (no relation to Gumby’s red-clayed doppelganger) wants to be born. Really? I now present to you a list of things that Jumby should have wanted more.
Jumby should have wanted a good script. Seriously, we know you wrote and directed the film, too, Mr. Goyer, but how could you expect ANYONE to take the movie even slightly seriously when you have your characters slathering out idiocies like “Eet has fallen to you to finish vat began at Auschwitz!” Wow. Just wow.
Jumby should have wanted to take a powder every once in a while. Now I understand this little bastard is supposed to be haunting our heroine, but does he really need to appear in the movie like one hundred times just standing in the background? Make him do something other than stare or mutter, why don’t ya? Here’s a hint: Once the audience becomes too familiar with a big bad, he stops being scary. Not that this kid was scary looking to begin with, but still!
Jumby should have petitioned to have the best actors in the film have more than just cameos. Here are five words that should equate to nothing less than chicken fried cinema gold: “Gary Oldman fighting a demon“. You could build a movie entirely around that premise alone. Instead The Unborn‘s only interesting characters played by Oldman and James Remar get minimal screen time while every one else saunters about as if they’re starring in a haunted GAP ad.
Jumby should have steered clear of working with Platinum Dunes. Michael Bay, Brad Form, and Andrew Fuller. Your faux grittiness precedes you. I can only hope that one day it will actually be up to you three to finish vat began at Auschwitz. Whatever that means. Oh well, at the very least this was an original attempt at creating something and not a hack-job remake of a classic. Can’t wait to see you guys posing with a cop car again as your first still from your next flick.
The Unborn tried to do something a little different. It’s heart was in the right place, but its execution was flimsy at best. This is just another flick in a long line of soulless abominations that look good, yet have as much substance and excitement as drying paint. Even in the new unrated cut, which runs about a minute longer than the theatrical version, I can assure you there’s nothing much to see here.
In terms of the Blu-ray vs. the DVD, it should go without saying that the Blu-ray trumps its standard definition cousin in every area except special features, which the two editions share identically. Are you ready? Hold on to your asses, folks. All we get are seven minutes of deleted scenes. YAY! At least I didn’t have to sift through much as this film and package sit proudly at the shallow end of the pool.
I know it seems as if I’m being really hard on it. Truth be told, The Unborn isn’t horrible. It just isn’t very good either. The stork wore black. File this one under stillborn.
2 1/2 out of 5
1 out of 5
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