Reviewed by Uncle Creepy
Starring Tessie Santiago, Chris Bruno, Frank Whaley, Bart Johnson, Elizabeth Barondes
Directed by Tim Iacofano
Distributed by New Line Home Entertainment
And here it is, kids. It took six months, but it has finally arrived! The stinker of the year! It’s taking me everything I have not to just leave this review at “This Sucks” and end it. I know some of you are indeed curious so I shall forge ahead.
Psychic investigator Maya Casteneda (Latina chick who is not Jennifer Lopez) shares a special bond with a serial killer named The Cusp. Maya was one of his victims way back when, but during his death ritual in which he kills and resuscitates his victims until they can no longer be brought back, she managed to survive and developed powers that enable her to see into the killer’s mind. Years pass. The Cusp is back, and Maya (who is still not Jennifer Lopez) is tapped to help catch the killer.
In all honestly, the original film wasn’t that good to begin with, but it was home to some truly amazing visuals from director Tarsem, and said visuals became the movie’s signature. Let me say this … Tim Iacofano is no Tarsem. He’s a television director that bit off way more than he can chew.
The Cell 2 is bad on every imaginable level. The performances(!) are ridiculous with every single line delivered as emphatically as possible, the script and dialogue are nothing short of laughable (and not in a fun way), and the attempts at building upon the aforementioned series signature visual effects are near criminal. Gone is the surreal world brimming with color and borderline demonic imagery. In its place is a dream world lined with TV’s that looks straight out of an Eighties music video.
See that screen shot there to the left? First of all, no, that is not a joke. The sad truth is that’s about as good as it gets. Look at Santiago. You almost feel bad for her. Stare at the picture long enough, and I’m willing to bet somewhere in your mind you’ll find that old dance/rap song “The Power” by Snap begin playing. In fact, here, start the video below and gaze upon the image.
See what I mean? It’s friggin’ goofy beyond words, isn’t it? Oh, well.
In terms of special features, there is a short behind-the-scenes featurette to dig on, but being that this particular movie is anything but special, I can’t imagine you’ll be watching it after the flick. In fact, I’m willing to bet most of you don’t even make it to the end credits.
It should be mentioned that this film(!) is also available on Blu-ray, but I didn’t want to foul my player with this drivel so hi-def heads … you’re on your own!
Let’s just pretend this never happened, okay? We’ll just stick with the original mediocre film that starred a shirtless Vincent D’Onofrio, Jennifer Lopez’s gigantic tush, and some truly off-the-chain imagery. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. You’ve been warned. Heed my words or I will attack … and you don’t want that!
0 out of 5
1/2 out of 5
Discuss The Cell 2 in our Dread Central forums!