Starring Dieter Laser, Laurence R. Harvey, Bree Olson, Eric Roberts, Robert LaSardo
Directed by Tom Six
Let me start this off by saying I’m a big fan of the original Human Centipede: First Sequence. Even though most people deemed it “unwatchable,” I was also a fan of The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence. Early reviews for The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence started coming out, and they were not good. That was expected though. These movies are not for everyone. That being said, if you found yourself in the camp who found Part 2 unwatchable, you’re in for a HUGE surprise… you’ll find The Final Sequence even worse. Akin to being sewn to Tom Six, Dieter Laser, and Laurence R. Harvey’s anus even. The weird thing… director Tom Six would consider that a win. But what if you’re a fan?
Continuing its meta life cycle which began with Part 2, we’re transported to the George H. W. Bush Prison, where accountant Dwight Butler (Harvey, sporting a tiny Hitler mustache) has just shown Warden Bill Boss (Laser) The Full Sequence. Not for his enjoyment though… you see, Boss’ prison is out of control and bleeding money like the world’s most infected hemorrhoids. As a means to save cash, Butler believes that if they turn their prison population into one giant-sized Pede, it would not only save their boss and state Governor (Roberts) money, but it will also revolutionize the prison system as a whole, making both him and the warden the saviors of correctional facilities everywhere. The only problem? Getting Boss on board. As a means to do so, Butler brings in filmmaker Tom Six (who plays himself) and the facility’s doctor to hash out a Pede-plan. That’s the story in a nutshell, and truth be told, it is one absurd winner of a tale. Too bad the movie is anything but a winner.
Six wanted Final Sequence to be as billed “100% Politically Incorrect,” and in that he succeeds with flying colors. It’s how he achieved such a feat where the problem lies. The biggest problem here is also the film’s main attraction… Dieter Laser. Six wanted Laser’s character to be the most reprehensible, evil, unlikable, racist, misogynistic scumbag ever put to film. In doing so, he also made him the most annoying. For whatever reason Six has Laser literally shouting and screaming 80% of his dialog with maybe a 7% success rate of being funny, creepy, or even slightly effective. It’s in Laser’s quieter moments (which are few and far between) that we really see what he’s got to offer to the character, and the movie works… especially during a dance sequence which is arguably the best part of the film.
Then there’s Bree Olsen, who plays Boss’ assistant, Daisy. She’s here for no reason other than to make Laser’s character even less likable. He molests her, makes her go down on him, and even forces himself on her in the most heinous of ways. If she had some kind of arc to fulfill, some I Spit on Your Grave-like payoff, maybe then you could justify her character. But no… she’s here generally to be abused, and it never feels like she’s as in on the joke of making an over-the-top exploitation film as Six convinced her that she is. Her presence in the movie is superfluous at best and completely unwarranted at worst.
The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence clocks in at an hour and forty minutes, and the Pede action never makes it past the discussion point until about an hour in. We know this is gonna be the payoff! The world’s largest human centipede! The reason we’re all watching! So what does the first hour contain? Oh, there are plenty of heinous acts to witness – from castration, broken bones, and a dash of cannibalism to humor involving the dried clits of African women and even a good kidney fucking(!) – but none of it feels exciting or even exploitative. It just feels dull, empty, and lifeless. They’re just bloody bumps in the road on the way to the main attraction sandwiched between Laser’s shouting, Harvey’s fleeting Southern accent, Olsen’s sexed-up walking plot device antics, and Six’s inability to even remotely act beyond smirking at the camera while nodding and silently conveying the powerful message of, “I know, right? I made another one of these things, and I’m gonna make a mint off of you. Win.”
When the main attraction finally does slither out, it is effective but overshadowed by the promise of the unveiling of yet another medical atrocity which delivers about as much punch as a wet paper bag filled with used rubbers. Such a disappointment.
With The Human Centipede: First Sequence director Tom Six made a genuinely good film. With its sequel he threw an artsy and ghastly spin on the whole affair that appealed to the hardcore fans. This, though? This is nothing more than a failed experimental attempt at making an exploitation film that’s destined to have fans who do like it calling other people pussies for not. Nothing more, nothing less. And once again Six will be laughing all the way to the bank with no other choice but to consider this a win.