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Night Watch Helmer Eyeing Moby Dick Update

Moby Dick gets an upgradeThere was a movie about a decade ago called Hijacking Hollywood that featured a movie-within-a-movie that was a soulless, megabudget, Hollywood special effects extravaganza version of Moby Dick. Now here we are ten years later and that in-joke is about to become a reality.

Variety reports that Universal is revving up for a CGI-laden “re-imagining” of Moby Dick that sounds like it’ll have less in common with Herman Melville’s classic novel and more along the lines of Orca on steroids. The studio wants Timur Bekmambetov, director of the Russian Night Watch films and this past summer’s Wanted, a motion picture one of the critics over at Spill.com astutely summarized as “Harry Potter for Columbine kids”, to direct from a script to be written by the duo that penned the Olson Twins’ New York Minute. Co-producing the film will be the husband and wife duo known collectively as “The Wibberleys” AKA the writers of the National Treasure movies. Oh, this just keeps getting better and better.

First-person narrative is out. Plenty of footage of the white whale laying waste to multiple ships is in. Gone will be the revenge-minded-to-the-point-of-crazy Captain Ahab in favor of a more heroic Ahab trying to do the world a favor by slaying a killer sea monster even as his own crew plans a mutiny. I’m shocked they’re not setting it in modern times while they’re at it. Still time to cast Marlon Wayans as the wisecracking Queequag while they’re at it too.

In claiming reverence for the source material while promising a more “graphic novel sensibility”, co-writer Bill Collage is actually quoted saying the following:

“This is an opportunity to take a timeless classic and capitalize on the advances in visual effects to tell what at its core is an action-adventure revenge story.”

Welcome to Hollywood, kiddies. Call me … flabbergasted.

On second thought, call me giddy. This sounds like a train wreck in the making. Sure, there’s always a slim chance the movie could turn out genuinely good. More likely it’ll end up being a great big wet pile of overblown cheese of the nature gone amok variety. I wasn’t joking earlier when I wrote “Orca on steroids”. I for one cannot wait. Bring it on!

And yet somehow Steve Alten’s Meg has yet to make it to the big screen. The mind boggles.

The Foywonder

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Foywonder

  • Tsotha-lanti

    “Marlon Wayans as a wisecracking Queequeg”? Foy, I’m surprised you didn’t suggest Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson instead, with that guy actually being a Pacific Islander.

  • The Woman In Black

    Screw that Dick! I just want my 3rd installment of the Watch films.

  • syd13

    Coming next summer to a theatre near you: Paul W.S. Anderson’s re-imagining of Anna Karenina…in space!

  • frank_dracman

    whatever happen to Meg? Haven’t hear anything for a long time.

    • Gus Bjork

      Didn’t Steve Alten get real sick or have cancer or something? Maybe that sort of slowed things down.

  • Kryten Syxx

    “a script to be written by the duo that penned the Olson Twins’ New York Minute”

    Exxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxtraordinary!

  • DavidFullam

    All this advanced tech and CGI and they can’t just adapt the original story? I can’t wait for you to review this.