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Bigfoot Wars (2014)

A prominent citizen is murdered and a local woman gets dragged screaming into the darkness by something inhuman. Roll opening credits. Cue news report about something that took place before this incident that features the woman we just saw getting dragged away being interviewed without a care in the world. Less than five minutes in, and we already have scenes out of order.

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Bigfoot Wars 2014

Bigfoot Wars (2014)Starring Holt Boggs, C. Thomas Howell, Judd Nelson

Directed by Brian T. Jaynes


Just how frigging awful is Bigfoot Wars? Here’s a tweet from the film’s most prominent star, C. Thomas Howell:

Tommy recommends not buying #BigfootWars – sorry to anybody who purchased in advance. Post production problems, he’s heard.

And another:

Tommy sends his apologies – #BigfootWars had post production issues. He hasn’t seen it yet but has heard bad things about how it came out.

And here’s a tweet from a supporting actress to one of the film’s co-stars:

@holtboggs lol still trying to act like this didn’t happen. Was hoping to get cut post production. #manipulated

I did not know about these tweeted warnings before plunking down my hard-earned money to watch the cinematic fiasco that is Bigfoot Wars. Sad thing is, had I seen those tweets, I still probably would have watched anyway. Alfred the Butler was right: Some people just like to watch the world burn.

So, uh, post-production problems, you say? Hmmm…

A prominent citizen is murdered and a local woman gets dragged screaming into the darkness by something inhuman. Roll opening credits. Cue news report about something that took place before this incident that features the woman we just saw getting dragged away being interviewed without a care in the world. Less than five minutes in, and we already have scenes out of order.

A carload of teenagers are attacked by multiple Sasquatches. Two make it to the vehicle and engage in the classic cliché of having trouble getting the car to start. Teens in car and teen outside being ripped apart by monsters are in broad daylight. Back to the teens in the vehicle – still daylight. Friend being killed – still daylight. Back to car – now dusk. Back to the murdered teen – still daylight. Back to the car – getting darker. Back to the teen – still sunny. Car finally cranks and speeds off into the night. Another teen runs through the woods for her life – pitch darkness. You don’t often see day-to-night continuity errors this glaring in modern filmmaking. I prefer to believe it just took them so long to get that car started day turned to night.

Meanwhile, the sheriff of this podunk town is forced to narrate this Bigfoot variation of Humanoids from the Deep as if he were a hardboiled detective starring in a 1940’s crime noir. The Maltese Sasquatch? Even has a scene where it appeared the director told him to walk in slow motion down a hallway as he provides voiceover of his inner thoughts; try to pay no mind to the people walking past him at normal speed. His voiceover narration even manages to step on his actual dialogue upon entering one particular scene.

The sheriff’s daughter is dating a guy who attempts to date-rape her in a convertible at a drive-in (obvious makeshift setting, never see the screen and the cars are clearly parked on grass) surrounded by plenty of other people and vehicles. Little notice even when a hulking Bigfoot appears next to their car, drags the boyfriend out screaming, murders him while she screams, and then drags her screaming off into the night. Can’t blame this on post-production issues.

Someone running for their life inadvertently steps on a landmine that explodes with the force of several firecrackers sending the person ass-over-teakettle in less than spectacular fashion. Cut to that person on the ground now soaked in blood and missing several limbs. Did he fall apart upon hitting the ground?

Soooo much more where that came from I could point out. Generally not a good sign when the most memorable aspects of a motion picture are its glaring continuity errors, bewildering editing choices, and simply baffling directorial decisions. Though the Sasquatch costumes are pretty spiffy in a 1970’s drive-in sort of way. See. That’s a positive. I’m scrounging, people.

Director Brian T. Jaynes must have a thing for horny Sasquatch flicks given back in 2010 he also helmed the similarly themed Boggy Creek. With that film he tried to make something a bit classier and scarier than this effort, though I personally found it to be a disappointing bore.

Can’t say I was ever that bored watching Bigfoot Wars. Not only has Jaynes set out to make a more straightforward b-movie this time, he’s crafted the type of unintentionally Ed Woodsian train-wreck cinema we don’t often see in this era of intentionally bad b-movies. It never quite hits the right notes as an exploitation flick, but its wrong notes are truly something to behold. With a little more warring and a little less monologuing, Bigfoot Wars could have been the Deadly Prey of Sasquatchploitation.

Bigfoot Wars is adapted from the Eric S. Brown’s book series. Having not read any of them, I cannot say how faithful the film version is. I’m guessing not very. Despite having about half a dozen books to cull from, the movie version is so thin on plot it clocks in at 72 minutes in length (despite being billed as 94 minutes, not that I’m complaining about the lack of that additional 20 minutes) and still has time to frequently cut to Judd Nelson for a series of tepidly comic relief moments involving his pill-popping country doctor that add nothing to the plot.

The town of Boggy Creek has a big(foot) problem. A sudden rash of Squatch attacks would seem to indicate the legendary man-monsters have come out of hiding to play their very own version of “fuck, marry, kill,” only in their version substitute “marry” with “eat.” Things turn personal for the sheriff with a checkered past when his own daughter becomes potential breeding stock.

There’s surprisingly little sex or nudity for a movie about Bigfeet kidnapping and raping nubile young women. Jaynes must be saving all that for his next stab at Sasquatchsexploitation, which I can only hope will be an adaptation of the “Cum for Bigfoot” book series.

In Boggy Creek nearly every man looks like a meth tweaker, nearly every woman a truck stop hooker. The film certainly captures the seedier side of the dirty South to such a degree that a visit to a trailer park nearly brought the film into Gummo territory.

No one achieves quite the white trash perfection that C. Thomas Howell does as the gun-toting, sledgehammer-swinging, pot-smoking, booze-drinking, tattooed survivalist who has never been able to get anyone to believe him about the town’s Bigfoot problem until now. Howell’s a hoot, totally owning every scene he’s in. Well, except for the scenes where he speaks softly and I’m left to assume post-production issues rendered much of his dialogue in those scenes unintelligible. Unfortunately, one of those scenes includes the telling of the back-story that explains everything that is going on and why.

Somewhere in heaven, Ed Wood and Bill Rebane are giving Bigfoot Wars two thumbs up. Not sure Tommy would agree.

1 out of 5

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AfterShock Comics Announces First Anthology Collection Titled Shock

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AfterShock Comics continues to push boundaries by presenting Shock, its very first anthology collection featuring a slew of today’s top writers and artists. It arrives in March of next year, and we have a look at the cover plus a few interior pages for you along with quotes from several of the creators.

Presented in the “European Album” format (same as the recent Animosity: the Rise hardcover for LCSD), this handsome hardcover features the creative talents of Bill Willingham, Marguerite Bennett, Mike Carey, Jim Starlin, Michael Zulli, Charles Vess, Michael Gaydos, Andy Clarke, Andrew Robinson, Sarah Delaine, Phil Hester, Paul Jenkins, Neil Gaiman, Dalibor Talajic, Travis Moore, Brian Azzarello, Francesco Francavilla, Cullen Bunn, Marc Guggenheim, Frank Tieri, Brian Stelfreeze, and more.  The cover art is by John Cassaday.

Shock hails from Joe Pruett, the multiple Eisner and Harvey Award-nominated editor of the classic Negative Burn anthology series.

CREATOR QUOTES:

CULLEN BUNN: My story, “Blooderflies,” is a horror/dark fantasy yarn that tells a complete story in just 8 pages, but it should keep readers thinking about the setting and “what happens next” for some time to come. To me, that’s part of what makes AfterShock’s catalog so thrilling. These stories, short or long, really fire the imagination. I couldn’t be happier to be included alongside these amazing creators.

MARC GUGGENHEIM: “Metroclash” is an idea that’s been burning a hole in my notebook for years: What if cities could fight like people? It’s the kind of huge, visually-driven idea that could only be done in comics. My story centers on a clash between New York City and Chicago, and I couldn’t be more excited about getting this crazy, bombastic concept out into the world.

MIKE CAREY: My story in the anthology is an autobiographical piece about growing up in Liverpool in the middle of the last century, a time that in some ways feels as distant as the late Jurassic. I’m trying to make sense of the disconnect between the world I knew as a kid and the world I live in now. It’s also a story about the way memories work and the way we constantly try to build a coherent narrative out of the incoherent facts of our lives. I’ve slipped biographical details into stories before, but I’ve never written a fully autobiographical story. I’m excited to see how it comes out, not least because Szymon Kudranski is doing the art, and I can’t wait to see how my life looks in his gorgeous black and white palette.

FRANK TIERI: My story is called “Little Red Hood,” and you can think of it as basically “Little Red Riding Hood” as if it was a Quentin Tarantino movie. The familiar fairy tale is instead set up as a big drug deal gone horribly wrong. So in our case, Red is a drug courier delivering a package to the biggest drug dealer in town– that of course being Grandma– and then rival drug dealer “The Wolf” arrives, and everything hits the fan. It’s over-the-top, ultra-violent, and very much not the beloved Brothers Grimm yarn we all grew up with. So yeah, this ain’t a beddy bye story you’ll be reading to your kids anytime soon. Or at least it sure as hell shouldn’t be!

MARGUERITE BENNETT: AfterShock has given me the most creative freedom I’ve had in my entire career–I’m always delighted to submit these twisted pitches and hear back that this is the one place those strangest stories can find a home. For my own part, my story is a family revenge drama set in a Border town in the 1970s–a ghastly little tale about the gifts that give and the gifts that take. I’m thrilled to be a part of such a splendid anthology.

PHIL HESTER: I feel privileged to work with one of my all-time comics heroes in Jim Starlin. Our short story “Berserker” is a prime example of Jim’s unique ability to marry very personal narratives with cosmic action and timeless imponderables. I hope I can do it justice.

This Is Istanbul

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Here’s Episode One of Dan Yadin’s Stop-Motion Animated Comedy I Want to Kill

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Brooklyn-based writer/director/filmmaker Dan Yadin’s new dark and twisted animated comedy “i want to kill” has premiered and you can watch the utter madness below.

The episode stars comedians James Adomian (@midnight, Children’s Hospital, Comedy Bang! Bang!), Amber Nelson (Guy Code, Netflix’s ‘Characters’) and Clark Jones (HBO’s ‘Crashing’, Brooklyn’s 50 Funniest People).

“i want to kill” is made from cardboard sets and low-rent stop motion and it is pretty damn strange if you ask me. But if that’s your thing then I think you’ll enjoy the animated series.

Check it out below and then make sure to hit us up and let us know what you think!

Synopsis:

Astronaut Robert Holeman is fed up with Suburbia, after years of desires going unrealized and confronting his privilege, boredom, and mortality he’s been nudged into a sort of suicidal/genocidal nihilism stoked by a steady diet of drugs. The violent fantasies, anger, and fear don’t belong to just Robert, but also to his neglected girlfriend and son. “i want to kill” is about catharsis and release. Anger unchecked leads to emptiness, but boy is it funny.

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Go Christmas Caroling with The Killing of a Sacred Deer

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Given that I personally have gone Christmas caroling with various lunatics hopped up on eggnog, what the hell… why not go Christmas caroling with The Killing of a Sacred Deer? Dig on this latest clip!

Look for the flick starring Colin Farrell (Best Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy, In Bruges, 2009) and co-starring Oscar winner Nicole Kidman (Best Actress, The Hours, 2003) to hit Blu-ray, DVD, and digital on January 23rd. Yorgos Lanthimos directs.

Special features include “An Impossible Conundrum” featurette, and the package will be priced at $24.99 and $19.98, respectively.

Synopsis:
Dr. Steven Murphy (Farrell) is a renowned cardiovascular surgeon presiding over a spotless household with his ophthalmologist wife, Anna (Kidman), and their two exemplary children, 12-year-old Bob (Sunny Suljic) and 14-year-old Kim (Raffey Cassidy). Lurking at the margins of Steven’s idyllic suburban existence is Martin (Barry Keoghan), a fatherless teen he has covertly taken under his wing.

As Martin begins insinuating himself into the family’s life in ever-more unsettling displays, the full scope of his intent becomes menacingly clear when he confronts Steven with a long-forgotten transgression that will shatter the Murphy family’s domestic bliss.

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