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Timber! You’re Dead!



Timber Falls coming soon, suckahs!If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s that if you trek into the forests of North America, you’re going to get killed by either a masked slasher, Bigfoot, a mutated animal of some sort, alien creatures hunting humans for food or sport, or inbred hillbillies; but still the American movie-going public continue venturing into the nation’s woodlands in droves. People need to just stay out of the damned woods already!

Since you people have yet to learn your lesson, Hollywood once again has to step in and continue to sound the alarm in hopes that you suicidal nature lovers will finally get the message. This time it’s Timber Falls from Bruce Willis’ producing partner Arnold Rifkin and the director of Soccer Dog: The Movie. According to Fangoria‘s Ryan Rotten (Why is that name so familiar?), Timber Falls “follows a pair of backpackers, trekking through the mountains, who encounter some deranged locals fixin’ to extend their bloodline through their own nefarious methods.” I’m guessing “nefarious methods” is movie code language for torture porn.

The cast consists of TV actor Josh Randall, Night of the Living Dead 3-D‘s Brianna Brown, Sabrina the Teenage Witch‘s Beth Broderick, and Neighborhood Watch‘s Nick Searcy. I’m going to assume since the movie is being shot in Romania where filmmaking is cheaper and the cast is composed almost entirely of little known actors that Timber Falls will be going straight-to-DVD. Then again, it’s more about photogenic people dying agonizing deaths these days so Timber Falls could be heading to theaters sometime next year.

We’ll be letting you know more about Timber Falls in the near future. In the meantime, stay out of the damned woods already!

The Foywonder

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