B-Sides: Never Too Young to Die Listening to this Awful Song
I’m not sure if this weekend’s B-Sides should come with a warning or an apology. The theme song to Never Too Young to Die could very well be the worst song yet, and I’ve spotlighted some pretty damn ear-splitting B-Sides in the past. Do you dare take the “Stargrove” musical challenge?
Never Too Young to Die, directed by Gil Bettman , starred a pre-“Full House” John Stamos, at the time fresh off his career-making stint on the soap opera “General Hospital”. The outlandishly bad movie was conceived as his big screen star-making role, but something went horribly wrong... that "something" being the movie.
Stamos starred as a college gymnast named “Lance Stargrove”, the son of an international super spy played by former "James Bond" George Lazenby. After his father is murdered, Stargrove finds himself now the target of a Rocky Horror-esque hermaphroditic terrorist played by KISS frontman Gene Simmons. Vanity played the sexy lady spy who, naturally, becomes his love interest.
Like many a secret agent flick of the past, Never Too Young to Die boasts an opening credits song designed to build up the heroic nature of its lead character. That was the idea, at least. No spy movie, not even a campy one, should open with a song that sounds like it was produced and recorded by people that normally make a living performing peppy 1980’s sitcom themes. “Stargrove” is a wretched 80’s song even by wretched 80’s b-movie soundtrack standards. So much so I’m just going to allow the perpetrator of this particular number to remain nameless.
You have been warned... and I am deeply sorry.
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