The Wolfman and Black Swan Take Home Oscars
While it was a fairly slow night for horror at the "83rd Annual Academy Awards", a couple of genre flicks did manage to take home some gold, and for that we are thankful!
Rick Baker and Dave Elsey took home the coveted award for their make-up work on The Wolfman, and while the movie kind of sucked, there's no doubt that the film was home to some amazing creature effects. Now if only the powers that be would have let Baker do a proper transformation instead of that CGI hack-job we got served.
Also a winner tonight is Darren Aronofsky's Black Swan, which saw an Oscar for Natalie Portman, who won for Best Actress.
Congrats to everyone who won -- and for the love of God, fire this year's writers and next year hire a comedian to host. Something wrong with bringing back Stewart? Maybe Conan? The crazy Jewish lady who interrupted one of last year's winners during his acceptance speech? Or how about anyone who can bring some life to what was tonight's truly dull affair. You know shit is bad when you have to resort to bringing back the long dead spirit of Bob Hope to liven things up.
Arguably the only thing that made tonight's presentation even remotely tolerable was host James Franco's bizarre need to constantly be staring off to the right and the hilarious and at times very wrong live tweeting by The Foywonder, which we've brought to you below via chronological transcript. Enjoy.
My master control job is requiring me to run the Academy Awards. Please God, don't let there be any musical numbers.
Did the producer of the Oscars used to play Ralph Malph on Happy Days?
The only Oscar broadcast I've ever enjoyed was the one in Naked Gun 3. These award shows need more Phil Donahue rampages.
That opening monologue of Franco and Hathaway introducing their relatives makes me take back what I said about not wanting musical numbers
Kirk Douglas is truly a legend but listening to him present an award is as sad & painful as Dick Clark still doing the New Year's countdown
And the Oscar goes to Melissa Leo - not for The Fighter but as a belated award for her role as "Cookie" the hooker in 1985's Streetwalkin'
Was that look on Melissa Leo's face because she couldn't believe she won or because she couldn't understand whose name Kirk Douglas read?
Brolin & Bardem's ice cream suits just blew out the chroma at my workplace. Thanks Oscars!
Will Aaron Sorkin thank the guy who sells him hallucinogenic mushrooms?
Do people realize that the Oscar winning writer of The King's Speech last screenwriting gig was Kung Fu Killer starring David Carradine?
The only thing I ever want to see Russell Brand in is the woodchipper from Fargo.
I hope they try to play Christian Bale off during his acceptance speech and he dives into the orchestra pit in a rage-fueled rampage.
Notice that the director didn't have the cajones to play Bale off even as he began to ramble on? They know better.
Only in Mississippi would a monster truck jam purchase local commercial time during the Academy Awards.
The Academy Awards are rated TV-14? The sudden appearance of that rating in the corner of the screen was all Melissa Leo's fault, wasn't it?
Is it my imagination or are there barnacles growing on Cate Blanchett's dress?
They should have included me in that montage so I could declare my love for the Maniac Cop 2 closing credits rap
Every Randy Newman song sounds like every other Randy Newman song. He's the Firehouse of Oscar nominated song makers.
Time for the performing of the Best Song nominees. Or as I call it: Bathroom Break!
Amy Adams is dressed like she'll soon be forced to marry Lo Pan.
Holy crap! Horshak just won an Oscar!
Oh, please, please, please let Banksy sneak on stage and tag Oprah's big ass!
This Oscar show has been so terrible I hear Roger Ebert just ripped off his prosthetic chin and flung it at his TV screen in disgust.
Randy Newman just won for recording the same song he's sung for the last decade and a half.
Celine Dion singing over the "In Memoriam" montage only makes me wish I was a part of it.
This just in: Banksy has left the Kodak Theater but he did not exit through the gift shop. ***RIMSHOT*** See, I could be writing this show.
I think one of Doctor Who's incarnations just won Best Director.
Francis Ford Coppola gets the lifetime achievement award for producing the Jeepers Creepers movies. Horror fans and NAMBLA both thank you.
The next co-worker that asks me if the Oscars will end on time will suffer a fate worse than having to sit through this intolerable show.
I was hoping Natalie Portman would thank the green screens from the Star Wars prequels.
Colin Firth's acceptance speech was as dull and drawn out as this whole show has felt. Now I'm asking myself how much time this has left.
How cool would it be if when Harvey Weinstein takes the stage Spielberg suckerpunches him for stealing Saving Private Ryan's best pic Oscar?
If only this childrens choir was out there singing the Oscar winning song "It's Hard Out There for a Pimp" from Hustle & Flow.
And with the show now over Anne Hathaway can finally go backstage to be hooked up to that Valium IV she's been needing for three hours.
One of the closing credits was "VOICE OF BOB HOPE" and it was not credited to Bob Hope? WTF?
It's finally over. I think I posted more tonight than I have the whole time I've been on Twitter. I swear I will never do it again.
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