Rob Zombie’s The Lords of Salem Conjures Up a Rating

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Rob Zombie’s latest film, The Lords of Salem, has gone before the MPAA and come away with a rating. The flick will be rated R for “disturbing violent and sexual content, graphic nudity, language and some drug use.” You know, all the good stuff!

The Lords of Salem stars Barbara Crampton as Virginia Cable, a camera operator for a local kid’s show at Salem Public Access TV called “Lobster Joe’s Fishy Fun Show”; Brandon Cruz as Ted Delta, a local Salem drug counselor; Michael Shamus Wiles as Jarrett Perkins, owner of Salem’s Engine House Pizza; Michael Berryman as Virgil Magnus, 50% of a well-known witch hunting duo called “The Brothers”; Sid Haig as Dean Magnus, the other half of “The Brothers”; Christopher Knight as Keith Williams, aka Lobster Joe, the host of “Lobster Joe’s Fishy Fun Show”, a staple of local Salem television; Patricia Quinn as Megan, the town’s palm reader; Judy Geeson as Lacy Doyle, owner and landlady of Heidi Hawthorne’s apartment; Ken Foree as Herman Jackson, one third of The Big H Radio Team; Richard Lynch as the film’s protagonist, Reverend John Hawthorne; Lisa Marie, who plays Priscilla Reed, a woman who gives her all to support “the cause of the coven“; Billy Drago as Judge Samuel Mather, a key player in the history of the Lords; Dee Wallace as Sonny, a self-help guru; Bruce Davison as Francis Matthias, author of the book Satan’s Last Stand – The Truth About The Salem Witch Trials; Maria Conchita Alonso as Francis’ wife, Alice Matthias; Torsten Voges as Count Gorgann, lead singer of the Norwegian death metal band Leviathan the Fleeing Serpent; Jeff Daniel Phillips as Herman “Whitey” Salvador, one third of The Big H Team; Meg Foster as Margaret Morgan, the leader of a secret coven of witches in Salem; Ernest Thomas, as Chip “Freakshow” McDonald, the station manager at Salem’s #1 rock station; and Sheri Moon Zombie as Heidi, the final third of The Big H Team.

Related Story: TIFF 2012: Exclusive Lords of Salem Interview with Director Rob Zombie

Heidi, a blonde rock chick, DJs at a local radio station and, together with the two Hermans (Whitey and Munster), forms part of the “Big H Radio Team”. A mysterious wooden box containing a vinyl record arrives for Heidi, “a gift from the Lords”. She assumes it’s a rock band on a mission to spread their word. As Heidi and Whitey play the Lords’ record, it starts to play backwards, and Heidi experiences a flashback to a past trauma.

Later Whitey plays the Lords’ record, dubbing them the Lords of Salem, and to his surprise, the record plays normally and is a massive hit with listeners.

The arrival of another wooden box from the Lords presents the Big H Team with free tickets, posters and records to host a gig in Salem. Soon Heidi and her cohorts find that the gig is far from the rock spectacle they’re expecting: The original Lords of Salem are returning, and they’re out for BLOOD.

Rob Zombie's The Lords of Salem Conjure Up a Rating

The Lords of Salem

The Lords of Salem

The Lords of Salem

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  • Terminal

    Zombie must be desperate if he’s ripping off Kevin Smith’s ad campaign for that shit storm “Red State.”

    • kiddcapone

      Let’s not forget the cliché horror line popularized in The Shining…”But you are the caretaker, you’ve always been the caretaker…” .

      How can you possibly rip that off Rob Zombie? Oh, wait, never mind, I just saw the movie tagline: “We’ve been waiting,…we’ve always been waiting…”

      Very clever Sir, very clever…Where do you get these amazing ideas ???

  • kiddcapone

    You read the synopsis and it sounds like the type of shit an average 8th grader would write down and think it’s really cool. Is Rob Zombie REALLY that simple of a human being? Like retarded simple?

    How a grown man could continue to write such ridiculous “Lobster Joe’s Fishy Fun Show” bullshit and still have a career is a total mystery to me. Dr Satan, Captain Spaulding, Otis B. Driftwood, Baby, Mama Firefly, Uncle Meat, Seymour Coffins, “Freakshow” McDonald, etc etc etc.

    Even the posters are embarrassingly lame for the new Zombie “fuck” fest film. The first one looks like an unsigned metal band, the 2nd one like a bad emo halloween costume, the 3rd like Jason from the beginning of Part 6, and the last one looks like a fat Sleestak.

    It shouldn’t be rated H for Hell Yeah, it should be rated F for Fuck No.

    • LSD Zombie

      I LOL’d at your fat Sleestak line. Thanks for that!

  • Rottenjesus

    Too bad it’s not Rated H for HELL YEAH!