Cinetel to Unleash More Monsters

CinetelFilms just announced a brand new slate of films they will be producing, the majority of which will no doubt be premiering on the Sci-Fi Channel later this year, next year, or whenever you least suspect it. Having previously produced such epics as Cerberus, Caved In: Prehistoric Terror, A.I. Assault, and (ugh!) Komodo vs. Cobra, Cinetel’s slate includes several new creature features and will hopefully continue their trend toward high quality entertainment. Yes, that last part was meant to be highly sarcastic. But let’s hope they end up making better films so I won’t have to run them down in reviews.

With the big revival of Sasquatchploitation going on, why not allow Nessie to get in on the act? Get ready for some Loch Ness Terror.

“A rash of suspicious and gruesome murders in a sleepy lakeside town has authorities stumped. They soon realize the culprit is not only connected to the lake, but in it! They must figure out what it is and how to stop it before it’s too late.”

Given the wording of the synopsis I find myself wondering if it really is about the Loch Ness Monster or just some random lake monster with the Loch Ness portion used to lure investors. “Sleepy lakeside town”? Why not just say “Loch Ness”? Hmmm… Until that is answered, the big question is whether or not Loch Ness Terror will be better than the infamously bad Beneath Loch Ness from a few years ago?

Loch Ness Terror, not to be confused with Larry Buchanan’s 1981 schlocker The Loch Ness Horror, is currently in pre-production.

Next up is Ogre. Bet you can’t guess what it’s about.

“When a group of traveling teenagers happen upon the small village of Ellensford, they find that no one ages, no one gets sick, and crops are always plentiful. However, it is an ancient pact with the Ogre in the mountain who maintains the status quo and he requires an annual human sacrifice. “

I get the feeling there’s a good Wal-Mart or Dick Cheney joke waiting to be made in response to that synopsis, but I just can’t put my finger on it. Oh well. Knowing the Sci-Fi Channel and how they title movies, by the time this one premieres they’ll probably be calling it Ogre: Fairy Tale Terror or something along those lines. Just so it has Ogre followed by a colon and a subtitle.

Ogre is also currently in pre-production.

Having previously breathed cinematic life into the mythological multi-headed dog Cerberus, Cinetel now turns their attention to another mythological multi-headed monster in the self-explanatorily titled Hydra.

“Jack Stone believes Ghost Island to be mystical, holding secrets of a mythical treasure from long ago. What he doesn’t know is that the island holds a darker secret… Protecting the ancient treasure is the mythical Hydra, the multi-headed serpent from ancient Greek lore. While they search for the treasure, Jack and his crew are about to discover this ancient creature and find themselves trapped on the island with only one way off.”

Add in a set of evil rival treasure seekers, and the plot would be remarkably similar to what they pulled off in Cerberus. Well, as long as this one turns out better than the atrocious Snake King/Snakeman flick from last year.

Hydra is currently in pre-production.

Last, and given the sheer crap factor of Komodo vs. Cobra, most likely least is Jim “AKA Jay Andrews” Wynorski’s next, The Bone Eater.

“When a highway building crew begins digging in the vast Arizona desert, the local police find themselves with several grisly murders. In these bizarre murders, the victims have had their bones removed by a means that even the medical community can’t explain! The highway crew blames the local Indian tribe who they claim are trying to scare them off their freeway project but the sheriff’s wife, Estrella, knows better. She tells them of an ancient Indian spirit avenger, The Bone Eater, who in the ancient lore rose from the caverns below the earth to aid the warriors of the clan. The crew has unleashed the creature and now he is exacting a strange revenge on the entire town. How do you stop an Ancient mythical creature?”

On the plus side, it doesn’t sound like Wynorski’s just recycled the script to Curse of the Komodo yet again. “Babylon 5” star Bruce Boxleitner and “The Greatest American Hero,” William Katt, star. Watch for another blink and you miss him cameo by an original “Star Trek” actor, in this case Walter Koenig as the coroner. I just hope that this time Jim Wynorski actually tries to make a watchable film. I don’t think that’s asking too much of him. Sometimes I think that’s asking too much of most low budget genre movie production companies these days.

The Bone Eater is currently in post-production.

The Foywonder

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