The Foywonder's Ten Worst Horror Films of the Decade


Number 10


The Foywonder's Ten Worst Horror Films of the DecadeA screenplay so indecipherable Dan Brown could pen a new novel about the world's greatest screenwriter setting off on a mystery quest to piece together the clues trying to make sense of it all. A film so confounding Uwe Boll had to add an opening text crawl longer than the closing credits of some movies explaining what the hell was going and this text still marked the first, last, and only time Alone in the Dark bordered on coherent. So illogical a film even Dragon Wars could make fun of how nonsensical it was - that's saying something.

Christian Slater's character kept telling us in dialogue and voiceover that he was searching for answers. Anyone that watches Uwe Boll's second shot at botching a video game movie will sympathize because they too will be looking for answers that will never come. Where as House of the Dead had an Ed Wood vibe in its favor, Alone in the Dark was more like the worst movie Bruno Mattei never made. You would expect even a truly bad movie boasting monsters from another dimension, zombies, centipede-like parasites, sand worms, paranormal commando units, Christian Slater doing Matrix-style kung fu, and Stephen Dorf getting blown to kingdom come would still find a way to be entertaining to some degree, but Dr. Boll manages to bore even as he piles convolution on top of convolution on top of convolution and not even Tara Reid comically miscast as an allegedly brilliant anthropologist who cannot even correctly pronounce "New Foundland" could salvage it.

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My f'n GOD is this the most refreshing accounting I have read in a while.... I agree w every single one of these movie reviews! I was VERY EXCITED to hear the denouncing of Halloween. It doesn't even deserve to be on this shit list. I am a longtime music fan of Rob but I am disgusted that ANYONE would remake such a classic. SIDENOTE: Why is Hollywood doing remakes? Why are they butchering them in the process???

Don't we ALL feel this ? Who are these companies making movies for? The beauty of any genre is to be creative and passionate... I don't even know how i stumbled upon this article but it makes me feel like theres hope.

btw for the record I'm watching the original Black Xmas as i write this and I hope you were only denouncing the remake cuz this original is one of my absolute favorites! anyhoo...

Submitted by jayspray on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 4:55pm.
moderator The original Black Christmas
Steve Barton's picture

The original Black Christmas is a milestone in the slasher genre. Hell, we wouldn't of had the original Halloween if not for Black Christmas.

Hollywood is making these remakes for clueless kids that don't know any better. Hopefully if they dig on these new shitty versions they will go back and find the original to see how it's done.

Still, not all remakes are horrible and some have been surprisingly good. I think it all boils down to who is behind what.

Submitted by Steve Barton on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 5:25pm.
krawlingkhaos's picture

Glad to hear a continued attempt to not dismiss anything out of hand; just because most of the remakes that have come along recently have sucked doesn't mean that remaking a film will ultimately result in suckage. A lot of folks seem to forget that both "The Thing" and "The Fly" are remakes as well as being two of the greatest movies of all time. As for the modern craze, I'm surprised that more blame and hate don't fall on the remake of "The Haunting": aside from being a big-budget summer block-failure that got everything wrong, it was also one of the first high-profile remakes of horror classics. As for me I will defend "The Hills Have Eyes" and (a little less actively) the new TCM as decent contributions. I think the saddest part about the trend is that the films that should be remade are not because they aren't high-profile enough, why? Because they failed the first time which is why they should be remade!

Anyway, I like the list but, like others, I have to question the number one pick. While I am not an active defender of "Van Helsing," I do wonder why anyone had any expectations going into it. I expected to see a big, loud movie with the IQ of toast, and low and behold that's what I got. I can understand the disappointment at something "Planet of the Apes" or (shutter...) AVP, but...Stephen Sommer people! Has the man made anything actually good? Not fun--he's made fun--but good? Really? Although I'm sure people will take away that I love "Van Helsing" and it's my favorite movie, but in truth I just don't think it's any worse than the Mummy Movies (although I haven't seen three).

Also, I think AVP should rank above AVPR because if the original hadn't fucked up the formula, then the second wouldn't have fucked it up even further. Whereas I could dismiss AVPR's failure as a film as the inevitable result of the first one's inexplicable financial success, there is no salve for the pain and betrayal of a first viewing of AVP. None. Ever. Its been six years, and my ass still hurts...

Submitted by krawlingkhaos on Tue, 01/05/2010 - 2:59pm.

Such a mysterious story behind Bob Clarke and John Carpenter. And yes I actually really liked the Texas Remake... so there are a few.

The younger kids definitely need to know where this genre came from. I just really lost it after the Zombie remake of Halloween. I've been in his musical circle and have alot of respect for him. What bothered me about the film was how he opens up the childhood of Myers,,,,, DOESNT EVERYONE KNOW horror is about NOT KNOWING all the details? lol

Cheers to you Uncle Creepy. I appreciate the intelligent response.

Submitted by jayspray on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 5:33pm.
Floydian Trip's picture

Yeah, that's it. Tough to find but well worth the effort. I've always wondered how they got those costumes which were the real deal. Sorry, back to bad movies?

Why no Unborn? That poor little kid is gonna go away for the rest of his life for murder 'cause I don't think the "Your honor, I was possessed by a demon." defense works.

Submitted by Floydian Trip on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 3:48pm.
Floydian Trip's picture

Hah, you know what was awesome though was that Batman vs Predator fan film. Fucking amazing.

Submitted by Floydian Trip on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 3:41pm.
moderator Dead End? Yeah, great Joker
Steve Barton's picture

Dead End? Yeah, great Joker too.

Submitted by Steve Barton on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 3:44pm.
Floydian Trip's picture

There is no defending either AvP movie. Requiem definitely takes the cake as the biggest abomination. I think I made it about 20 minutes into the movie and it made me feel like a kid again when I would turn ONTV on and try to watch porn through all the static. Was that a nipple? I hope this is a woman I'm looking at 5 inches from the screen.

Submitted by Floydian Trip on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 3:20pm.
moderator LOL! Exactly!
Steve Barton's picture

LOL! Exactly!

Submitted by Steve Barton on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 3:29pm.
Jim_McD's picture

Great list Foy but I don't see how AvP 2 could possibly be worse than AvP 1. It defies all logic. But most importantly where is Friday the 13th 2009 on your list? A glaring omission you otherwise MAGNIFICENT son of a bitch.

"...shit in your stocking..." COMEDY GOLD!

Submitted by Jim_McD on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 2:08pm.
Terminal's picture

Are you kidding? F13 may have sucked, but Jennifer's Body was ten times worse. My god what a piece of dog shit that movie was.

Submitted by Terminal on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 10:57pm.
moderator I think AVPr was worse than
Steve Barton's picture

I think AVPr was worse than AVP by virtue of the fact that at least you could see what was going on. Not that you'd want to mind you, but still!

Submitted by Steve Barton on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 2:38pm.
moderator I'm down with just about all
Debi Moore's picture

I'm down with just about all of Foy's picks with the exception of Doom. No film with Karl Urban could be the worst of anything.

Submitted by Debi Moore on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 12:59pm.
Foywonder's picture

Spoken like a woman who has obviously never seen Pathfinder.

Submitted by Foywonder on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 4:13pm.
Terminal's picture

Oh yeah and I enjoyed the list. I agree with every choice.

Submitted by Terminal on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 12:37pm.
Shambling_in_Bandages's picture

Good list, Foy, but I still think you should have gone with Zombie's 'Halloween' remake instead of 'Resurrection'. The reason why people don't defend 'Resurrection' isn't because it's bad, it's because it's bland. It's so by-the-numbers there isn't anything worth saying about it. Honestly, if it wasn't for the stupidity of the Busta Rhymes kung fu stuff, nobody would have anything to say about the entire film. It's banal rather than bad.

On the other hand, Zombie's script for 'Halloween' reads like a bullet-pointed list of sheer fucking drooling idiocy masquerading as something "brutal" and "real". And the less said about 'Halloween 2' the better. Magical fucking ponies and a "descent into madness" that is conveyed by some effeminate-looking long-haired guy(?) screeching "Fuck you, Annie!" and "Fuck you, Mrs. Psychiatrist!" a couple of times.

Submitted by Shambling_in_Ba... on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 11:28am.
LifeMi's picture

Resurrection was worse than Zombie's Remake in my opinion; at least the remake didn't have Busta Rhymes. That being said, Zombie's Halloween II is far worse than Resurrection.

Submitted by LifeMi on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 1:01pm.
Shambling_in_Bandages's picture

You just made my point about 'Resurrection'. ;)

True, the remake didn't have 20 seconds of Busta Rhymes doing kung fu, but it did have two hours of Rob Zombie's adolescent "brutality" and lobotomised scriptwriting. Of those two options, I know which is far, far worse.

Submitted by Shambling_in_Ba... on Fri, 12/25/2009 - 8:17am.
LifeMi's picture

We'll agree to disagree. Either way, both movies are terrible.

Submitted by LifeMi on Fri, 12/25/2009 - 10:01am.
Hear hear.
Terminal's picture

Hear hear.

Submitted by Terminal on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 12:38pm.
Terminal's picture

I question the intelligence of anyone who defends Zombie's remakes of Halloween and Halloween 2. Those movies are horrible, period.

Submitted by Terminal on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 11:22am.

I thank anyone who realizes how shitty Zombies remakes are. No one should redo ANY carpenter classics. Cheers to you Terminal

Submitted by jayspray on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 4:58pm.
Jim_McD's picture

Defending Zombies remakes kind of answers any questions you might have about their intelligence, doesn't it?

Submitted by Jim_McD on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 1:57pm.
Sirand's picture

Replace AVP-R with the original AVP and you'd have a perfect list.

Submitted by Sirand on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 10:42am.


Why the hate on Scary Movie 2. Chis Elliot and that HAND.....I can understand part 3 and 4 being as dumb as they come....but an R rated spoof movie and Chris Elliot singing that Poltergeist 2 song had me in stitches....not to mention the cripples ripping on each other.

And the exorcism scene in the beginning? James Woods? Nothing made you laugh?

Submitted by gorebath on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 10:12am.
Cash Bailey's picture

Dead-on, Foy! VAN HELSING is a movie so staggeringly stupid and incomprehensible I grew genuinely angry while I watched it.

Not since BATMAN AND ROBIN has a director and a studio taken such a monumental shit on an audience at such massive monetary expense.

And I'm pretty sure the real reason they changed the character's first name is so that they could copyright it for, no doubt, the deluge of spin-offs, tie-ins and merchandising a sure-fire masterpiece like this was bound to create.

You can't copyright 'Abraham Van Helsing' no more than you can copyright 'Count Dracula'.

Submitted by Cash Bailey on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 4:16am.
Matt Serafini's picture

I actually like some of the film's on Foy's list - for varying reasons. Black X-mas, When a Stranger Calls and AVP-R all sit in my collection.

But he's right about one thing: nobody defends Halloween Resurrection.

That said, Zombie's movie is far, far worse, but I'll save the 'why' for my own list.

And really, good list, man. A very fun read.

Submitted by Matt Serafini on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 3:19am.
Foywonder's picture

As vehemently as I would disagree I can at least comprehend what aspects of Black Christmas and AVP-R one might find go for. But the remake of When a Stranger Calls...? Really? Explain to me what it is about that film appeals to you. I really want to know.

Submitted by Foywonder on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 3:52am.
Blwn2bts's picture

This is by far the best list that I have read this year. Not because of the films you picked or the reasoning behind the choices (even though I agree with all of them), but because of the following line:

"If Paul WS Anderson had written that line it would have been 'Fuck with Santa and we'll see who shits in the stocking.'"


Submitted by Blwn2bts on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 2:00am.
moderator Agreed. When I first saw
Debi Moore's picture

Agreed. When I first saw it, I about fell out of my chair laughing. Truly a classic!

Submitted by Debi Moore on Thu, 12/24/2009 - 1:20pm.

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