Anaconda 3: The Hoffening

Anacondas to hassle the HoffJust 24-hours after I reported on the Sci-Fi Channel premiering a sequel to Bats (“>”Bats 2, Audience 0” – October 2007) comes more inexplicable killer animal sequalizations.

As much as I love me some nature gone amok action I’ve just never cared for Anaconda or its sequel Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid. I don’t know why exactly but neither film did anything for me. I’m not surprised to hear that the franchise is now joining the ranks of Sony’s made-for-DVD, name-only cash-ins since the franchise has always had a low rent feel to it. I’m not shocked either to hear that two sequels are filming as we speak since this is the same Sony that already produced two back-to-back Walking Tall sequels starring Kevin Sorbo. And I’m not the least bit shocked to hear that these Anaconda sequels will be premiering on the Sci-Fi Channel since the network is no stranger to killer snake flicks and, besides, they already premiered the Sony-commissioned Lake Placid 2 earlier this year. Quite frankly, nothing about the prospect of low budget Anaconda sequels heading for the Sci-Fi Channel would surprise or excite me.


According to Moviehole, the person waging war with the enormous man-eating snake this time will be none other than … The Hoff.

Yes, the incomparable David Hasselhoff, last seen in tabloid video of him drunk on a hotel floor trying in vain to eat a cheeseburger, is going to play a mercenary-for-hire (stop laughing!) brought in by a billionaire seeking to capture a dangerous snake that could possibly help cure a terminal illness. Sounds like the plot to Anacondas, only this time the snake is the wonder drug and not just some flowers they feed on. Other potential Anaconda squeezin’s includes the likes of Lord of the Ring‘s John Rhys Davies, Maid in Manhattan‘s Crystal Allen, and the legendary Zoltan Butuc. I’m just being sarcastic; I’ve no clue who Zoltan Butuc is.

The plot doesn’t specify where this tropical jungle they’ll be prowling about is located but I’m fairly certain there aren’t any rainforests in Romania where both sequels are now filming. Isn’t it great how Romania and Bulgaria can substitute for anywhere? I wanna make a movie set in the Arctic Circle just so I can find a way to film it in one of those two Balkan countries.

The first of the two new sequels is entitled Anaconda: The Offspring – what a crappy, unimaginative title that is. Did they spend all of half a minute coming up with that one?

Directing duties for both fall to Don E. FauntLeRoy, Jeepers Creepers 2 cinematographer and director of the soon-to-be-released actioner Urban Justice, the straight-to-DVD flick that dares to pair Steven Seagal with Eddie Griffin and still expect people to watch. I wonder which FauntLeRoy would consider harder to work with: a big killer snake or Steven Seagal?

The Foywonder

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Jon Condit

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