When There’s No More Room in Hell a New Garbage Pail Kids Movie Will Walk the Earth

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The only comfort I take from the news that former Disney chief Michael Eisner’s production company is planning a new big screen version of the popular gross-out Eighties trading cards The Garbage Pail Kids is that it cannot possibly be worse than 1987’s live-action abomination.

We all know that one of the current memes in Hollywood is “if it was popular in the 80’s, we have to revive it for the big screen”, but a movie based on a line of trading cards that haven’t been popular for a quarter of a century that already spawned one of the worst movies in the history of cinema?

Deadline Hollywood stunned the world today breaking the exclusive news that Michael Eisner’s The Tornante Company will finance and develop a new feature film based on the controversial 1985 Garbage Pail Kids trading cards that were brought to life by Pulitzer Prize-winning artist Art Spiegelman and only existed in the first place as a parody of The Cabbage Patch Dolls, another fairly irrelevant property in the 21st century. It’s probably no coincidence that the cards were published by Topps and Eisner bought that trading card company back in 2007.

Apparently Topps has been trying to revive the property with a new series of cards off and on over the past decade. That this is the first I’m hearing about it should tell you how successful that has been.

An award-winning short filmmaker who goes only by the initials PES and a fledgling screenwriter named Mike Vukadinovich (a script of his made it onto last year’s “black list” and IMDB has Amanda Seyfried attached to star in another dramedy he penned) have the unenviable task of trying to resurrect this property for 21st century audiences.

The one thing going in their favor is that whatever they come up with has to be better than the unwatchable 1987 film version. If you’ve never experienced the soul-crushing agony that is The Garbage Pails Kids movie, then gouge your eyeballs on the trailer below. Sitting through that film from beginning to end isn’t entertainment; it’s a testament to human willpower.

When There's No More Room in Hell a New Garbage Pail Kids Movie Will Walk the Earth

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  • James Coker

    Cinemascribe that is one the best Remake Ideas ive ever heard

  • Cinemascribe

    “This is exactly the kind of thing they should remake…”

    I know what you mean .That’s precisely how I feel about “C.H.U.D.” Fun, B-level 80’s horror flick , but that core premise (in the right hands and with a solid budget) could be overhauled into something truly phenomenal today. Particularly at a time where the “Occupy” movement has a lot of people hanging out in public areas at night and there’s a lot of social tension over the plight of the lower class in the face of corporate greed, the idea of something monstrous being spawned from that conflict and then coming out of the sewers to dine on human flesh in NYC has a lot of potential.They could make it scary, bloody and relevant.

  • nonserviam03

    This is exactly the kind of thing they SHOULD remake. It’s a (formerly) popular intellectual property that got a TERRIBLE big-screen treatment. So redo and make it NOT suck (ya know… instead of remaking things that were fine the first time out).

  • Cinemascribe

    So, in summary: In this trailer, the studio decided that the most intelligent manner in which to advertise their “cash in on a flash in the pan parody fad” was to present it to audiences as the heartwarming tale of a kid who is so socially inept that he’s incapable of developing interpersonal relationships with anyone except a troupe of haphazardly conjured , poorly conceptualized, inhumanly grotesque children who spew forth from the slime of a garbage pail.

    Yeah, that certainly screamed “masterpiece”. I have seen portions of the film prior to this. I had never seen the trailer used to advertise the film until today. Now I understand why all of five people saw this in a theater (and chances are, at least four of them were looking for a place to ride out their buzz). Until home video and-later-the internet, this didn’t even have a chance at being widely seen crap.

  • James Coker

    that Trailer was a Test of my Willpower

  • Vanvance1

    Wow. There is no bottom of the barrel anymore. Trading cards, Battleship, remakes of obscure found footage movies.

    When there are no more ideas in Hollywood the dead shall walk the earth! And make braindead movies.

  • Screamz

    I’ve always loved the trading cards. A few years ago I was excited to find the movie on DVD. I eagerly bought not remembering a thing about it. After it was over, I realized there was a reason I’d totally wiped it from my memory…